


Baby, It's Just You

by espiritus



Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Angst, Emotional Roller Coaster, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, FSS: Olivia Hadley von Brandt aka Von, Feels, Fluff, Secret Relationship, Slight Canon Divergence, Slow Burn, WTF, lots of salty language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-07-27 02:09:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 33
Words: 62,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7599295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/espiritus/pseuds/espiritus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ever since losing her family, the woman known only as Von has shut down emotionally. She doesn't numb her pain with alcohol or chems, instead throwing herself into her new job as general of the Minutemen, hoping to fill the void in her heart with bloodshed as she attempts to track down the son who was stolen from her.</p><p>After narrowly escaping a horde of super mutants, Von finds herself behind the walls of Goodneighbor and in the company of one RJ MacCready- a mercenary on the run from both the Gunners and his own past. What starts as contractual obligation shifts to something more comfortable as they bond over their shared grief and, after a difficult battle, these two unlikely friends realize that they've fallen for each other. But they're at very different stages of the grieving process and Von's constant need for space soon leads to trouble in paradise as Mac becomes increasingly frustrated by her noncommittal attitude toward their strange 'situationship'.</p><p>With their enemies closing in, tensions are at an all-time high and the stakes are higher than they've ever been. Will Von and Mac finally let go of their pasts and face the uncertain future together?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lone Wandering

"Take that, you brutes."

Von fired several shots in rapid succession, every muscle in her body trembling as the leader of the super mutants hit the ground. She was outnumbered seven to one, and she'd never handled a gun- much less shot one- before now. But instinct overrode all practical considerations as she charged at them, pumping them full of bullets as quickly as she could; her only priority was staying alive, at least long enough to find out if or not her son was too.

On the day the bombs fell, Von and her family- her husband Nate and their son, Shaun- had barely escaped the blast to what they'd thought was the safety of Vault 111. Instead, she had awoken from a cryogenic stasis to find Nate dead and Shaun missing- kidnapped by the very people who'd promised to protect them- two hundred years later. But her devastation had turned to anger long ago, and she'd kill as many of these monsters as she had to, in order to get the answers she was looking for.

Upon confirming that her targets lay dead, she scavenged their bodies for anything useful. Caps, weapons, food... Anything she could get her hands on. And whatever she couldn't use herself, she could always offer in exchange for the aforementioned provisions or a place to stay for the night. Or she could scrap it for parts, so that her fellow settlers back at Sanctuary Hills might be able to build something with it- Sturges was always looking for gadgets, and Preston likely knew of a settlement that could do with some extra supplies. 

She finished looting the bodies and took a sip of the purified water she'd brought before continuing down the street. According to the map on her pip-boy, she was in what had once been the heart of Boston's financial district, though she'd never recognize it now- rocks and debris were everywhere; skeletons and overturned cars littered the streets, and there wasn't a soul around. Other than Cait and the Minutemen, she hadn't seen many humans wandering the Commonwealth- mostly big green men and irradiated people that resembled zombies; ferals, as Preston had called them. But perhaps there were more out there, and maybe they knew where Shaun was.

_I'll find him,_ she assured herself, casting a look over her shoulder as she kept her eyes peeled for threats. _I'll get my son back, and then you'll all pay._

Certainly, her life before the vault hadn't been as complicated. Born on October 15th, 2048, in London, England, Von- legal name Olivia Hadley von Brandt (Nate's last name, followed by her own)- had moved to Boston at 19 to study programming at the Commonwealth Institute of Technology, where she'd met Nate in one of her classes. She'd done everything her parents had told her to: graduated, married her college sweetheart, and had a beautiful baby boy, all without ever veering from the straight-and-narrow. And where had it gotten her, other than imprisoned in an underground vault and grieving the loss of what her entire life was supposed to be?

_Nowhere, that's where,_ she thought darkly. _If I'd wanted to spend the rest of my life in a primitive shit-hole, I would have just stayed in London instead of trying to make something of myself._

Suddenly, there was a noise, and she quickly took cover behind a collapsed wall. Operating from behind the scenes was what she'd always done best, though she had never imagined that her childhood skills at hide-and-seek would ever serve any practical purpose. But this was the world she lived in now, and she had adapted accordingly.

"Gonna find you. Gonna kill you!"

She held her breath and drew her rifle before peering over the wall. Super mutants, tons of them, with their missile launchers and bladed boards; the dreaded beeping of a suicider's bomb, as it drew closer. Von knew that she only had two options: if she ran, she'd surely be spotted and gunned down before she had a chance to find help or shelter. Alternately, she could stay and take out the suicider from her current position... thus alerting the others to her presence and likely meeting a less-than-dignified end. Her chances of outrunning them were only slightly better than that she'd even graze the suicider from her current hiding place before it blew the building sky-high. But she had to give it her best shot- if not for herself, then for Shaun, who might still be out there.

"FOUND YOU!"

And so, she ran as fast as her legs could carry her. She darted through the streets, trying desperately to break line of sight before the mutants had a chance to catch up. What if she was cornered and couldn't escape, or if she somehow managed to evade the mob, only to end up at the mercy of Raiders or a Gunner gang? The possibilities were at once endless and terrifying, so she continued running, her lungs on the verge of exploding, though whether literally or figuratively remained to be seen.

After many twists and turns, she finally spied a neon sign. Just one word, _Goodneighbor_ , lit up the evening sky, and the gate leading there was just the perfect height- far too small for the super mutants, and just big enough for her five-foot-nine frame to make it through safely. Without thinking, she yanked the gate open with superhuman strength and slammed it shut behind her, separating her from the super mutants at long last.

Exhausted, Von collapsed onto the ground, panting like a dog in the heat of summer. Her head spun so quickly that she thought she'd throw up; sweat rained down her face and neck, pooling in the corners of her vault suit, and every fiber of her body throbbed painfully in time with her heart, which still threatened to burst from her chest. She tried to stand up, holding onto the gate for support, but the muscles in her legs seized up and she slumped to the floor again, defeated. Visions of fire and green men and her life before the vault all swirled together in a messy haze, and she heard herself scream her dead husband's name before pitching forward into the welcoming blackness.


	2. Explore and Discover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Already a woman out of time, Von is the furthest she's ever been from the safety of her Sanctuary Hills home since the bombs fell. But, as always, the universe has big plans for this little lady...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _there's a ghost by the door,_   
>  _there's a memory that won't let me go._   
>  _should i keep looking in,_   
>  _in the hope i'll ever feel again?_
> 
> _i don't know; there's a ghost_   
>  _bearing memories that won't let me go._   
>  _will you please set me free_   
>  _from the burden that won't let me be?_
> 
> -stream of passion, _this endless night_

When Von finally came to, she was in a strange room that looked like a model home straight out of the pre-war periodical _Picket Fences_... if said home had been set on fire, then blown up and put back together. Her lungs were still burning and she had a killer headache. But she was alive, which was more than most could say after an encounter with the super mutants.

As she sat up, she noticed a strange man sitting in a plush chair across the room. He wore a red coat and a tricorn hat, and his face looked only slightly more whole than the feral ghouls she'd encountered on her travels, and he was clearly watching her because he leapt to his feet the instant he saw her move. 

"Hey there," he said as he rose from his seat and moved toward her. "That was quite a fall you took back there, little lady. You okay?"

She nodded, her emerald eyes moving over the unfamiliar space between them. "Fine," she managed to say, over the lump that had lodged itself in her throat, as she rummaged through her backpack for a can of purified water. "Just fine, a little lost is all. What is this place, and what- I mean, who are you?"

"Hancock," he replied, extending a hand for her to shake. "John Hancock, mayor of Goodneighbor, whose doorstep you passed out on. As for where you are, this here's the Hotel Rexford- she was somethin', in her day. But now, she's just for doin' business- if you get what I'm saying- and people passing through, mostly those sleeping off hangovers after a chem binge or drinkin' themselves stupid at the Third Rail... It's not much these days, though it beats being robbed, raped, and left for dead in the streets. But, enough about that. What's your story, kid?"

Though she didn't feel like sharing anything with someone she'd just met, even if he was the mayor, she figured that it would be rude to refuse after everything he had done for her. "I'm looking for someone," she answered evasively, taking a gulp of water. "I hate to leave so soon, but I really must be on my way. Thank you again for-"

"Not so fast," Hancock insisted, stepping in front of her. "You're not in any shape to be travelling. If you leave now, you'll probably be dead before the sun sets. So just relax for a bit. I've already paid for your room so, if the caps are your concern, you don't need to worry about a thing. Maybe, when you're up to it, you can take a tour of the town- pick up some supplies, grab a bite to eat before you leave... It's a long road from here. And I'll be at the Old State House if you need me."

Von nodded her gratitude, settling back onto the mattress as she gulped down another mouthful of water. Hancock eyed her curiously for a moment, then held his hand out to her again. "By the way," he went on, tipping his hat with his free hand. "I don't believe I caught your name."

"Von."

"That's not your real name, is it?"

She shrugged her shoulders, brushing a strand of hair from her eyes. "No," she admitted. "But I haven't used my real name in years, so it may as well be. In any case, Mayor Hancock, I appreciate your hospitality, but I really should rest now."

He nodded in agreement as he turned toward the door. "Rest easy, Ms. Von," he said, with another tip of his hat. "By the way, I'll definitely let you know if I find any leads on your missing friend. Was that his name you screamed earlier?"

"What?"

"Oh, you don't remember. Well, you shouted for someone called Nathan when you first turned up on my doorstep- is he the one you're looking for? If he is, I can ask around town; find out if anyone's seen him..."

Secretly, Von wished that he hadn't reminded her. Just hearing Nate's name brought back many memories of her former life and, with it, came a cascade of pain that she was sometimes sure would kill her. Once she found Shaun, or at least knew that he was going to be okay, she could rejoin Nate and put an end to her own suffering. Until then, she might have to settle for, in Hancock's words, drinking herself stupid at the Third Rail, wherever that was.

"No," she replied, dropping her head so low that it covered her eyes- and the tears that pricked at the corners of her eyelids like a Deathclaw's bite- as she fingered Nate's wedding ring, which she wore on a chain around her neck. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I really must get some sleep. Perhaps we'll speak again before..."

She trailed off midsentence, and Hancock took her silence as his cue to depart. He left the room, but watched her through a crack in the door and waited until she was asleep before closing it behind him.

-

Von slept for most of that day, as well as the next, and it was dark out when she finally woke. Her head had stopped throbbing, and her legs no longer felt like rubber; she'd been holed up in her room at the Hotel Rexford for a few days now, and the tour Hancock had suggested no longer seemed like such a daunting task. Besides, it would help to keep her mind off of Nate, whose death had played over and over in her head while she slept.

She headed over to the Old State House to find Hancock, who was still awake, despite it being almost midnight. "'Evening, Ms. Von," he greeted her, offering her a snack cake from a box. "Excuse the mess, but I wasn't really expecting anyone tonight. Since you're here, though, may as well show you around a bit."

The two of them walked in silence for a time, Hancock pointing out the practical- where to buy weapons, food, and medical provisions- as well as some points of interest, such as the Third Rail and the Memory Den. "Be careful, kid," he warned her, holding up what looked like an inhaler. "The Memory Den lets people relive the past. Jet might get you higher than the top of the Mass Fusion building for a few minutes, but it's got nothing on this place. If you're not sure, grab a drink and mull it over first."

She thanked him for the tour and decided to explore the town on her own, but remained in front of the Memory Den for a moment, debating whether or not this was a path she wanted to take. She'd never used chems, though the idea of seeing Nate and Shaun- her family, whole again- was tempting. It would be as if the bombs had never fallen and all would be right with the world. Still, she decided to pass for now; she'd return when she was stronger and braver. And she really needed that drink before she'd be either.

Casting a last, wistful look over her shoulder, Von headed across the street to the Third Rail. Hancock had told her that the place was built on top of a pre-war train station and that lots of interesting characters had made something of a home there. Still, she wasn't prepared for what happened next as she entered the main room.

"Shit," a nearby patron hissed. "Another one of you mercenaries, looking for MacCready."

"I'm not a merc-"

"Sure," the man interrupted, slicing neatly through her words. "And I'm the mayor of Covenant. He's in the back room, so just do what you're here to do and leave."

Instead, Von ignored him and sauntered over to the bar, where she ordered a bottle of wine and listened to the soft jazz music coming from the stage. It wasn't very big, but the performer- a curvaceous, dark-haired woman in a slinky red cocktail dress, with a voice like velvet- took up every inch of it, seeming as comfortable in front of a crowd as in her own skin. She listened intently and clapped along with the other patrons when the song ended. 

"Sir," she called out, flagging down the Mister Handy bartender with her now-empty bottle. "Another drink please, if you will. And the music is wonderful- who's the singer?"

"Right-o," he called out, passing her a fresh bottle of wine as he gestured to the stage. "That is Magnolia, the flower of the Third Rail. Anything you want to know about her other than that is her business."

As if on cue, the woman called Magnolia sidled up beside her. She winked at the bartender, then turned to Von as she sipped her wine. "Hmm," she mused thoughtfully. "I think I know a fellow performer when I see one. Good with your words. Knows the right things to say, at the right time... What can I do for you, sweetheart?" 

Before the war, Von had always been a social butterfly. She'd always had an easy time making and keeping friends; as Nate used to say, she could have sold ice cubes to the North Pole and convinced potential buyers that they were worth as much as gold. But she'd changed since the vault and, these days, she couldn't sell chems to a junkie if she tried.

"Well," she answered, settling on what sounded good. "I wouldn't mind hearing another song."

In response, Magnolia raised her bottle of wine in the air. "A good musician always listens to her audience," she agreed, prompting Von to follow her lead. "I do hope you'll like this one."

She sashayed back to the stage with a renewed fervour as she took to the microphone. "Welcome back, everyone," she purred seductively. "This next one's for a special gal in the audience, since she's new in town and we're all here to forget something. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the music."

The chords of a jazz number filled the room as Von sat and sipped her drink. 

_Like a train wreck startin' to roll,_  
_I felt the world shake, outta control,_  
_like a world war's startin' to brew..._  
_Baby, it's just you._

Maybe it was the wine, or perhaps Von really did understand the lyrics on a subconscious level. The song made her feel as though she'd been transported back in time, into a world where she was still young and carefree, though she was all too aware of the reality.

_Like a cyclone, wild and extreme,_  
_I got my mind blown, stuck in a dream._  
_Wakin' up without a clue..._  
_But, baby, it's just you._

The song spoke to her, almost as though Magnolia had known that they'd cross paths tonight and had written it just for her. She remembered how she'd felt, waking up in the vault and finding out that two centuries had passed since she'd entered it; seeing Nate's body, cold and dead as the ice that had covered everything in sleep; not knowing whether or not she'd ever feel whole again.

_Like a mushroom cloud in the sky,_  
_I felt my world start waving goodbye,_  
_radiatin' through and through..._  
_Baby, it's just you._

The song ended, and Von joined in the applause that followed. But, before she had a chance to congratulate Magnolia on a job well done, a loud crash sounded from the back room. The other patrons ignored it, as though this sort of thing happened here every night, but Von decided to check things out for herself. Her senses now on high alert, she kept one hand on her combat rifle as she listened from a distance; there were three distinct voices, all male. And, when she finally got a look at them, she noticed that two of the men were in full gunner garb. She couldn't see the third from her position, though she had to stifle her laughter at the snarky comments he made to the others- maybe he was the mercenary she'd been told about when she arrived...MacCready, was it? Or McCree? She didn't recall his name but, after her run-in with the super mutants, she'd definitely need a second gun to make it home in one piece.

She waited in the shadows until the two men in gunner gear left the room. then decided to check on the third one and make sure that he hadn't been hurt- or worse. When she entered the room, she was rewarded with a glare from him instead, as though she'd interrupted some deeply private moment.

"Look, lady," he said, lowering his eyes to the floor. "If you're lookin' for a friend, or a listening ear, you've got the wrong guy. If you need a hired gun, maybe we can talk."

He glared at her again and, this time, Von glared back. "Good," she answered curtly, taking another sip of her wine. "I have enough friends. But I do need someone to help me kill super mutants on my way back home, and I'm a long way from home."

At this, his eyes softened a bit, but there was still something in them- anger? pain?- that she couldn't quite decipher. "All right then," he replied, quieter this time. "Let's get down to business. The fee's 250 caps, up front, no bargaining."

"Everything's negotiable," Von replied calmly, her eyes meeting his without malice for the first time. "I'll give you 200 up front, and no more. But we'll talk once you prove to me that you're worth it."

"Fine," he grumbled. "Now, let's get out of here before those two idiots come back."

They wandered out the door, to collect her things at the Rexford before moving out, and Von smirked to herself as she touched the wedding band around her neck. _Nate would be proud,_ she thought, raising her eyes to the sky in silent prayer. Perhaps she hadn't lost her touch after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy, hopefully :)
> 
> tl;dr i am canadian, therefore i have a tendency to use british english instead of american. i try to spell place names (or anything essential to the story) the american way, for consistency's sake, but please don't kill me if you see certain words (favour, colour, neighbour, etc.) spelled differently. kthanks. :)


	3. Regrouped, Reloaded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Von and MacCready leave Goodneighbor for the madness that is the Commonwealth, though they seem to spend more time fighting with each other than killing anything. Will they make it back to Sanctuary without putting a bullet in each other's backs?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _it's the rule that you live by and die for,_  
>  _it's the one thing that you can't deny._  
>  _even though you don't know what the price is,_  
>  _it is justified._  
>     
>  _so much more that you've got left to fight for,_  
>  _but it still doesn't change who you are._  
>  _there's no fear you'll ever give into,_  
>  _you're untouchable._
> 
> _'cause you're losing your mind,_  
>  _and your sleep, in the heart of the night._
> 
> -within temptation, _where is the edge_

The sun was just beginning to rise, and the rest of the town was still asleep as Von and MacCready prepared to leave Goodneighbor. It was a cold morning, but Von had equipped her vault suit with an insulated lining before leaving Sanctuary, reasoning that protection from the elements meant fewer stops for shelter along the way- which, by extension, meant less of a chance that she'd be killed in action.

They stopped by the Old State House, where Von left a handwritten note thanking Hancock for his hospitality, along with the caps he'd paid for her room at the Rexford. She slipped it under the door and, despite MacCready's protests, didn't steal anything from the nearby shops before finally opening the gate that separated them from the Commonwealth.

"You're no fun," he complained as the gate closed behind them. "I mean, it's not like they'd notice if a few cans of Cram went missing. With so many traders coming and going, they'd just write it off."

Von shrugged, pretending that she hadn't heard him, but she responded anyway. "Perhaps," she answered. "Maybe this whole thing is fun and games to you, but that's not what I paid you for. I owe that town my life and, besides, I'm the general of the Minutemen- that means that I call the shots, not you."

"Waitaminute, you're the General of the Minutemen? If I'd known that, I never would have taken the job, you liar."

"It's not a lie," she replied coolly, adjusting the green helmet atop her head as she quickened her cadence. "It's selective misinformation by way of omission. If I had told you that I was the mayor of Covenant, well... that would be lying. But I didn't hire you for your charming personality or conversational skills. If that were the case, I might have given you two caps instead of 200. And that's being generous."

In response, MacCready let out an exasperated sigh and kept walking. He didn't enjoy her company any more than she enjoyed his, but he'd take the 200 caps she'd offered over starving another night in Goodneighbor. He was usually the one armed with snarky retorts and wicked one-liners, though he'd definitely met his match with Von. She was just as quick on the draw as he was, though he was interested to see if her skill with weapons was any match for her verbal prowess.

"So," he ventured, after a few minutes of awkward silence had passed. "Heard you were looking for someone. What gives?"

As usual, Von ignored him. She figured that his interest in her past was self-serving, that he would likely exploit anything she told him for his own gain; hell, she'd be surprised if he didn't slit her throat and make off with her supplies while she slept. In retrospect, trusting him to help her get home alive had been a terrible idea- maybe it wasn't too late to call the whole thing off, pay him a thousand caps to just leave her alone and forget that their paths had ever crossed. But she still had use for a second pair of eyes and a weapon, so perhaps getting rid of him now would be jumping the gun- both literally and figuratively.

_Very funny, Olivia,_ she heard Nate's voice say, in the back of her mind. He was the only one who had ever called her by her birth name, and it sounded so close that it made her jump. She staggered backward into MacCready, who was just as confused, knocking the hat off his head as they tumbled to the ground.

"Sorry," she mumbled awkwardly, dusting off her vault suit as she stood. "Just... thought I heard something."

"Aww, the little girl is afraid of big, scary monsters? Might wanna take some Jet to calm your nerves before we-"

"Shut the fuck up," she snapped back, through gritted teeth, as she tried to disguise the quiver in her voice. No way was she going to give him the satisfaction of seeing her cry, even though she wanted nothing more than to break down right then and there. She missed Nate so much that her heart ached, and she'd give anything to see him again for even a split second. What would this asshole know about losing someone?

"Whoa," he exclaimed, recoiling as though she had just whacked him across the face with a bladed board. "D'you kiss your husband with that mouth?"

His words dug into her soul with all the tenderness of a Deathclaw and, in that moment, she didn't trust herself to speak. As if she needed another reason to kick the bastard to the curb. Instead, she ignored him and forged ahead, her vision blurred by tears.

_I will not cry,_ she thought, trying desperately to convince herself of it. _I will not show weakness. I will not murder him... yet. Once we reach Sanctuary, he'll no longer be of use to me and all bets are off._

They walked in silence for several hours until they reached a dilapidated building that, according to the sign in front, must have been an office building at some point. The floor was littered with rubble, the windows had been smashed clean in by the blast, and the blood-covered sleeping bags suggested that Raiders had been through the area recently. But Von figured that it was as safe as anywhere else in the Commonwealth and would make a perfectly-good rest stop, for the time being. Perhaps then she could put MacCready to work somewhere and have a few minutes to herself.

"We stop here," she declared, her words clipped and deliberate as she surveyed the area. "Stay the night, and be back on the road before dawn."

Her words elicited a groan of protest from MacCready, who paced around the room like an agitated cat. "Already?" he asked, like a kid who'd just been told that Hubris Comics was closing early. "If we keep moving this slowly, we're Deathclaw food... Or in a super mutant's meat bag. Either way, we'll be dead long before we get to... Aaaaand I just realized that you still haven't told me where we're going."

Of course, Von wasn't in the mood for more conversation than necessary, and she wasn't about to take any more shit from someone intent on making her life hell- if that was even possible, after what had happened to her family. "We stop here," she repeated, calmer this time, in a voice that belied her rising anger. "Now, go make yourself useful and kill us something to eat. I just... I need to be alone right now."

In a rare show of courtesy, he did as he was told. And, by the time he returned to their rest stop with a few choice cuts of radstag, Von was fast asleep.

-

That night, MacCready had a dream. He was in an underground tunnel with his wife, Lucy, and their then-infant son, Duncan, seeking shelter from a radiation storm; he'd seen the clouds, the forks of lightning that illuminated the night, turning the sky a sickly green. And so, he had convinced his other half that they'd be much safer in the remains of that old pre-war subway station, since whatever happened to them there would definitely beat radiation poisoning... or so, he'd thought.

_"Oh, RJ," Lucy giggled. She had such a pretty laugh, like a dinner bell at a fancy party. "You're positively glowing."_

_"Uh, are you sure that's a good thing?"_

_She laughed again, her smile lighting up the entire tunnel. "Of course, it is," she answered cheerfully, patting the other side of the bench that she and Duncan were sitting on. "Now, come and get some rest. We'll be back on the road tomorrow, as soon as the storm is over."_

_But there was no tomorrow, no end to the storm. He'd failed her, and it hurt worse than any gunshot wound he'd incurred while running with the Gunners. It was all his fault that she was dead, and he could never bring her back._

_That was when he heard the screams- Lucy's screams, the same ones that had punctuated his sleep every night since it happened. His eyes snapped open- ferals, thousands of them, in every conceivable corner. They were surrounded, and MacCready folded Duncan's little body into his own, as if to shield him from what they all knew was coming. But the frenzied mob seemed to sense their fear, and they attacked mercilessly, tearing and biting anything they could get their hands on. He felt Lucy's hand reach for his, and they held on for dear life as they screamed each other's names, again and again._

_Finally, MacCready saw an opening in the crowd and rose from the bench, Duncan still in his arms. "C'mon, Luce," he urged, tugging on her arm as might a child in a toy shop. "It's over. Let's get out of here."_

_But she didn't respond, and it was only when he turned around that he realized what had happened. Lucy's eyes were vacant; blood bubbled from a hole in her throat, spewed from places he never knew could bleed, as she struggled to breathe. "Run," was all she could manage, as she gasped for air. "You and Duncan... Run."_

_No. Oh, god, no. Fuck, fuck, fuck._

_But the gap was closing, and more ferals were quickly approaching. "No way," he insisted, still gripping her hand in his. "I'm not leaving you. Don't you dare die on me, Luce; d'you hear me?"_

_Instead, she smiled and tenderly touched his face with bloodstained hands. "Please," she whispered finally, as though she had accepted her fate. "Save yourself, Robert. I love you."_

_"I love you, too."_

_The ghouls descended upon them, and MacCready ran as fast as he could with Duncan in his arms. He didn't dare look back; he didn't want to know what had become of his beloved wife. But he turned around only once... just in time to see her torn apart before his very eyes._

_"Lucy, no!"_

The scream was unending, visceral, and it erupted from his throat like a white-hot wave of pain. He sat bolt upright, his head throbbing; and, no sooner had he opened his eyes, a hand clamped down over his mouth like a vice.

"What the hell? Are you trying to get us killed?"

As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, Von's form swam into his line of vision, and he realized that the pain in his head was actually her 10mm pistol, which was jammed into his temple. Now that she'd said it out loud, the thought of them both dying here didn't seem like such a bad idea- then, he'd be with Lucy again, and he wouldn't have to put up with any more of Von's shit. Even if they were friends, he'd never tell her the truth. How the hell would she ever understand what it was like to lose the one person that had made life worth living?

"Sorry," he muttered. "Must've been a bad dream. It won't happen again."

As he said this, Von slowly removed her pistol from his head and rolled back over to her own sleeping bag. "Good," came her muffled response. "Because you're disturbing my sleep, never mind that our safety has just been compromised. And, if it happens again, I'll take you out back and shoot you. Given the choice between your life and mine, I'll always choose mine."

He waited a moment to respond, still reeling from both the shock of the dream and the harshness of Von's words. The woman sure knew how to pick 'em, and they cut deeper than any knife because he knew them to be true. He had, after all, chosen his life over Lucy's- that was her last wish. But it still hurt.

"Cold," he finally responded, once he was sure he could breathe again. "Those are fightin' words, boss. Are you like this with everyone?"

"What, did you think you were special? We're not friends, and you'd do well to remember that."

A few moments passed in silence as they both feigned sleep, a tacit agreement not to talk about what had just transpired. But, just as MacCready thought he might finally succumb to slumber, Von's voice broke into his thoughts.

"Are you all right?"

The genuine concern in her voice surprised him, since he hadn't thought someone like Von to be capable of compassion. "Fine," he replied lazily, rolling over in his sleeping bag. "I mean, I'm okay, I guess. Just promise me that you won't tell anyone. Deal?"

"Mhmm."

However incoherent, her agreement was all that he needed. And, for the first time, he saw her as human, just another person struggling to survive in this fucked-up world. Maybe one day, if he ever felt brave enough, he'd tell her the truth- about Lucy, the Gunners, Duncan's illness... everything. 

He searched for the right words in his head; Von definitely wouldn't have that problem. She could probably even write it down for him, and it would sound better than anything he could come up with on his own. But he still had plenty of time to gather his thoughts, and so he did just that until he finally fell into a fitful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, wasn't expecting to have this up so soon, but here it is.  
> enjoy, hopefully :)


	4. Crawl Out Through The Fallout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following the events of their first night in the Commonwealth, the dynamic between Von and MacCready has shifted. She's confused as to why, though also relieved that they haven't murdered each other yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _we’re still running,_   
>  _we are not afraid- the thrill is on._   
>  _speed up without any brakes,_   
>  _oh no._
> 
> _‘cause sometimes we still have to hit the wall_   
>  _to see things that are right before our eyes._
> 
> -lacuna coil, _nothing stands in our way_

After their first strange night in the Commonwealth together, the days and weeks that followed were much the same for Von and MacCready: wake up, argue over breakfast, kill stuff, argue while running away from behemoths and super mutant suiciders, kill some more stuff, argue, sleep, repeat. But it was getting old and, whether he was aware of it or not, Mac had given up on trying to one-up his boss and decided to try befriending her instead.

"I don't need to outrun the suiciders," she'd called over her shoulder, during one very-stressful fight, as she wove in and out of trees like a needle pulling thread. "I only need to outrun you, so I don't become street meat."

He wasn't sure what it meant, or why she'd said it, and reasoned that it was a vault-dweller thing. Von's turns of phrase were often strange; she'd likely led a fairly-sheltered life, up to this point, so he wasn't sure why she'd left the safety and comfort of her underground home for a place like the Commonwealth, where everyone slept with one eye open and had to fight for even the most basic of necessities. If he had been in her position, he never would have left the vault. But, as with most things she did, it didn't entirely make sense.

Still, Von wasn't like anyone else he'd met. Beneath her sharp, prickly exterior, she was whip-smart, fiercely loyal, devoted to her Wasteland family... and even though he'd never admit it, he admired her toughness and tenacity. He didn't know much more about her than that, but she hadn't exactly volunteered any information and he wasn't about to ask. It wasn't like he was going to tell her his entire life's story either, even if keeping the guilt to himself was gnawing at his stomach like a rabid mole rat. She already knew about the nightmares, though she never asked questions and he was quite content not to answer.

She was walking in front of him now, one hand on her combat rifle and eyes glued to the ground. Her eyes were one of the first things he'd noticed about her- they were so green that they looked irradiated, as if she were his own personal rad-storm; a perfect match for her tempestuous nature. But there was something in those eyes- fear, perhaps, or sadness- lurking just beneath the surface, and it looked the way reliving Lucy's death every night made him feel. Perhaps Von had demons of her own, and this side of her was just a protective shell she wore, in order to face them.

He tried to focus on the path ahead of him, but he couldn't stop thinking about Von- what she was hiding, under that mask of hers, and what she looked like under her vault suit. He'd seen her without gear before: under that filthy helmet, she had long, silky hair that was such a dark shade of brown, it may as well have been black. But she'd never taken off that blue jumpsuit, not even to sleep, and it accentuated her painfully-obvious curves, which were in just the right places, and...

_Oh. Oh, no._

"Oi. Earth to MacCready- super mutants at three-o'clock. Think we can take 'em from here?"

_This isn't happening. Not now. Even if she does have a hot a- er, butt, she's still my boss._

"Uh, sure," he stammered, as he silently berated himself for thinking such things, wondering if his voice gave him away. "You lead, and I'll follow you. That was the deal, right?"

Von gave him a curt nod as she gestured to a branch above her head. "I'll try and pick 'em off from up here," she said, dropping her voice to a whisper as she climbed up a nearby wall and positioned herself atop the rickety structure. "You stay down there and watch my back, take down anything that gets in your way. I'll give the signal once we're ready to move in. On 3..."

She steadied herself and pulled out her rifle, eye to the scope and trained on the closest super mutant. Down below, Mac waited for her to give him the green light, though his mind was elsewhere. 

"Two..."

_Holy crap. If only she could see the view I- aw, you've got to be kidding me right now. Godda- I mean, gosh darn it, pull yourself together before you get her killed. What would Lucy think, if she could see you now, drooling all over some vault-dweller like an idiot? But we've all gotta move on sometime, right? It's been four years since... Aaaaand here we go again..._

"One- seriously, MacCready? I know I said to watch my back, but I didn't mean it quite so literally."

If it had been anyone else, he might have made a snarky comment about how he couldn't help himself and that the view was awesome, thanks for asking. But something told him that Von wouldn't have any of it, and so he kept it to himself.

Fortunately, she seemed to take his silence for an apology and let it drop for the time being. "Let's try this again," she continued, sighing in frustration as a bemused smile flickered briefly across her face. "And, this time, keep your eyes on your targets instead of on my... Never mind. Just kill everything you see... including me, just in case you were getting any ideas. And I'd rather not have a gravestone that says, 'Here lies Von, killed by some idiot who was too busy staring at her ass to cover it'. So, unless you plan on glaring at the green men until they disappear, I'd suggest paying attention this time."

Again, she counted down from 3, and Mac willed himself to focus on the targets in front of him. But it was obvious that he wasn't on top of his game. Von took out the suicider and three mutants from her perch before he could even fire a shot. She clearly knew her way around weapons- perhaps she'd handled them in the vault, was an exceptionally quick learner, or both. But then he remembered an argument they'd had a while back, during which she'd said that she'd never have asked for his help if she knew what she was doing... which, as with most things she said, didn't add up. The woman was definitely hiding something, and it only intrigued him further.

"You're a hell of a shot, boss," he admitted, remembering her warning and fighting the urge to look at her. "Almost as good as me, even. You sure you've never handled a gun before?"

"As sure as the super mutants are green," she replied. "Now shoot, and don't stop until everything that's supposed to be dead is, well, dead."

Finally, when the super mutants had all been put in their places, Von hopped down from her post and rejoined MacCready on the ground. "That wasn't so hard, was it?" she asked playfully- or was it condescendingly?- as she holstered her weapon once more. "Now that we don't have to worry about ending up in a meat bag, did you want to stop here for the night, or keep going?"

"That all depends. You still haven't told me where we're going."

In response, she rolled her eyes and shook her head in his general direction. "Home," was her only answer as she gestured to a series of burnt houses across the river. "That's my settlement, Sanctuary Hills- current headquarters of the Minutemen, also where I live. It's definitely easier if we swim across. But, since we already spent an entire afternoon arguing about how you hate getting wet, you're welcome to take the long way instead."

Without even taking off her armour, she dove straight into the water and paddled furiously. Mac waffled for a moment, but decided that he'd rather face his fear than look like a complete coward in front of the woman he admired. And, by the time he finally made his decision, she was waving at him from the other side.

-

Von waited until MacCready had made it across the river safely- since letting him drown would have been a terrible waste of caps- and strode toward Sanctuary at a steady clip. Almost immediately, she was greeted by many of her friends and comrades- Dogmeat tackled her to the ground, nuzzling her cheek with his wet nose, and she hugged him tightly before allowing Preston to help her stand.

"General," he began, saluting her as he tipped his hat in her direction. "Welcome back. I know it's been a long few days, though there is urgent business to discuss. The other Minutemen are already in the meeting room, and we'll start as soon as you're ready."

He trailed off midsentence as he eyed MacCready suspiciously. "As for your mercenary friend," he went on, as Von opened her mouth to object. "He can stay in one of the guest houses for the night, if he's leaving in the morning. Or, if he's willing to help out around here, we can find him some more-permanent accommodations."

Both Von and Mac opened their mouths at the same time, likely with different responses- she'd say he was leaving immediately, though he definitely wouldn't mind staying somewhere with lights and a bed, water that wasn't filled with rads. "What kind of work?" he asked instead, smirking at Von as she rolled her eyes. "Like, I could probably shoot Raiders for a few caps, if that's what you mean."

As he said this, Von glanced helplessly at Preston, who shook his head. "Honest work," he replied, gesturing to some of the other settlers, who'd already gone back to their chores. "If you're interested in staying here, you can start in the garden tomorrow morning, once the sun comes up. There's a ton of crops back there that we use for food or trade for supplies- if you come to this exact spot after the sun rises, I'll show you what to do. Now, I hate to cut this short, but the General is needed elsewhere- Codsworth, why don't you show our new addition around?"

-

When the meeting, which turned out not to be as urgent as Preston had suggested it was, ended, Von retreated to her living quarters- actually the house she'd lived in before the war and now shared with her best friend, Cait, who was still awake.

"Good t'see ye, General," she exclaimed, before jumping up from her chair to give Von a hug. "I missed ye tons, but I thought ye might want some time t'yerself... How've ye been?"

A former cage fighter and one-time Psycho junkie, the scrappy Irish lass had come to live in Sanctuary with Von after her contract at the Combat Zone was terminated. The pair became fast friends and, after they'd known each other for a while, Cait finally opened up about her past and asked Von to help her cure her addiction. To Von, who'd been an only child, Cait was the sister she'd never had, and so she'd put her life on the line to get her friend the help she needed. It was strange, she thought, sharing her home with anyone but Nate and Shaun. But she'd rather be here with Cait than alone, or with anyone else.

"I'm all right, I suppose," she replied, returning the hug. "Well, as much as I can be, since I haven't lost any limbs or gone completely insane. But that might change, if my travel arrangements don't. Once you meet the piece of work you'll be, er, working with in the garden, you'll understand."

"Ah, yer merc'nary friend. Heard 'im mouthin' off to Codsworth earlier- can't say I'm thrilled t'be stuck workin' with 'im, though I thought 'e was pretty 'andsome before 'e opened 'is mouth. But I'm sure I can go with ye once I know 'e won't make a mess o' things."

In response, Von smiled as she flopped down onto her bed. "He's not my friend," she replied, switching off the lamp on the table beside her. "I tolerate him, but that's where it begins and ends, although it was pretty funny when he decided to watch my back a bit too literally. He's a pain, though we might actually have a chance at being friends if he listened to me once in a while. But, even if that day comes, you'll always be my best friend."

"Aw Von, yer too kind. And I've always got yer back, fer real or otherwise."

Cait laughed, winking in mock seduction. Her laughter was contagious, and Von joined in, in spite of herself. "Thanks," she answered, rolling over to face the wall. "In the meantime, we should get some rest and we'll leave as soon as I talk to Preston. Someone needs to keep MacCready in line while I'm gone- I've worked too hard on this settlement to let him burn it to the ground."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one's a bit long and rambly, but it is what it is. lol.  
> thanks to everyone who's stopped to read so far, and i hope you guys enjoy :)


	5. Tread Carefully

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Cait at her side, Von leaves Sanctuary to help a settlement in need (because what else is new). While she's gone, Mac attempts to resolve the messy feelings he's developed for his boss while also making peace with his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _i tell myself_   
>  _that you're no good for me;_   
>  _i wish you well,_   
>  _but desire never leaves._
> 
> _i could fight this to the end,_   
>  _but maybe i don't wanna win._
> 
> -halestorm, _familiar taste of poison_

Von and Cait left early the next morning and, by the time MacCready managed to haul himself out of bed, they were already long gone. 

He met up with Preston, Von's Minuteman friend from the night before, who took him on a quick tour of the settlement before getting down to business. "We don't want any trouble," he'd said, when the pair stopped to grab a bite to eat. "I'm not sure how much Von has already told you, if anything. But know that I speak for her when I say that we're fine with you staying here, as long as you contribute and don't cause any unnecessary drama with the others. We all live here, therefore we're all responsible for keeping things going. Understood?"

Mac nodded, then got up and headed to the garden. Preston had already shown him how to take proper care of the crops- gardening, he discovered, required a surgical precision and tenderness better suited to a doctor than a mercenary. Nonetheless, he found it relaxing- now that he no longer had to constantly watch his back, to keep from getting robbed or killed, he could really take the time to focus on the task. But it wasn't long before his mind began to wander, and he found himself thinking of Von. Where was she now? Was she cold, injured, or worse? And did her friend Cait even know how to shoot a gun? Maybe he should have offered to go with her instead, but she hadn't even told him that she was leaving... Von's work was dangerous, and there was no way he'd ever live through losing her too.

_Don't go there, Mac. Don't do it. What would Lucy say?_

Just thinking her name brought with it a swell of anguish that bubbled in his chest like liquid fire. His heart felt as though someone in a suit of power armour had just stepped on it, knocking the air out of his lungs as he doubled over in pain. Yes, it had been over four years since Lucy's death, but reliving it every night while he slept had seared it into his mind forever.

_But she'd want me to be happy, right? I mean, I still do miss her; I always will. But I really should move on. Oh, Lucy... If you're out there somewhere, give me a sign._

As if on cue, the skies opened and the other settlers immediately ran for shelter. But Mac stayed where he was, letting the rain pierce through his clothes like steel bullets into his heart, and the tears came easily after that- for Lucy, for himself, and for every misguided thing he'd ever done to protect those he cared about. He was so tired of being alone, of feeling broken and carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders; Von was the closest he'd ever had to a friend, even if it was obvious that she merely tolerated his presence. But he didn't want to be her friend. No, he wanted to be the one she came home to, cried to, made love to... 

The thought of her with anyone else made him sick, hurt just as much as watching Lucy get ripped apart by those ghouls had, all those years ago. And then, there was the ring around her neck. He'd assumed that she was married, though it didn't appear that her husband was anyone he'd met here. Perhaps he was the missing person she was looking for, or she'd left him behind in the vault and he'd join her here once the settlement was more established. Either way, she deserved to know the truth. 

His mind made up, he retreated to his new living quarters with newfound certainty. When Von returned from wherever she was now, he would tell her how he felt- meaning that he'd also have to tell her about Lucy and Duncan, a conversation that he wasn't looking forward to, since she'd likely react in a way that would make him regret opening his big mouth. But it was the only way he'd know whether or not she had a man in her life, or if he had really and truly begun to move forward; maybe she'd surprise him and agree to give it a shot or, even better, admit that she felt the same way. There was only one way to find out. But, first, he needed her help.

Of course, there were the Gunners. Barnes and Winlock were still very much alive, and Mac was surprised that those two idiots hadn't followed them all the way here from Goodneighbor. Technically, he hadn't taken any more jobs in their territory, but why take the chance that they'd find him, when he could ensure his own survival- and Von's, and Duncan's- by killing them. Once he had them in his sights, it would be easy enough to put bullets in their brains. But getting to them was the hard part; the area was heavily fortified, and breaking through their defenses would be a lot of work for one person travelling alone. But Von was smart, stealthy, and knew how to handle a gun: she could move through the area undetected, and practically everyone in it would be dead before they even realized she was there... She was perfect for the job. Now, all he had to do was convince her to join him when she came home, whenever that was.

_Hey Von, I, uh, wanted to tell you I... I kinda sorta like you. As in, I really wanna make out with you... Nah, too strong._

He waited by the window until the rain stopped, then returned to his post in the garden, hoping to see Von's blue vault suit emerge from somewhere in the distance. In his version of events, she'd run up and throw her arms around his neck, drop her head onto his chest as he tilted her chin upward for a kiss... His breath caught in his throat as he tried to imagine what it would be like to kiss her. She'd likely be rigid at first, cold and mechanical; a bit like kissing a Protectron. But she'd warm to it soon enough, a Deathclaw in the thrall of its first kill. And it would be glorious.

_Maybe I could just ask her if she's taken. But then, she might get mad at me for being too forward. Shi- er, crap, this is harder than I thought. C'mon, MacCready, think!_

Evening came, and Von was still nowhere to be seen. Against his better judgment, Mac decided to skip out on supper and instead brought as many bottles of vodka as he could carry back to his tiny room. He was used to his own company- hell, he'd drank himself into a stupor nearly every night since Lucy died. But he wasn't much for socializing and, in Von's absence, being in a room full of people made him feel even more alone. Maybe the alcohol would calm his nerves, give him a dose of the liquid courage he so desperately needed, in order to leave the past where it belonged.

As the night wore on, one bottle turned into two, turned into five... But, instead of helping him to relax, it was making him jittery and nervous, as though he were surrounded by Deathclaws, with only a stick for a weapon. And, the more nervous he got, the more he drank. What if Von said no, or he messed up what he had to say to her? What if she was married, and he made an ass of himself for nothing? Oh, if Lucy could see what her death had reduced him to, she'd never have married him in the first place.

_Oh no, not this again. Goddamnit all to hell!_

"MacCready? Oh, hell; what in fuck's name is going on here?"

Von. He would know her voice anywhere- the remnants of an English accent that coloured her speech just slightly, and her calm demeanour, which did a damn good job of concealing any hint of emotion in her voice. He hadn't expected that she would turn up at his doorstep in the middle of the night, but here she was, as real and beautiful as the days were long. 

"You're drunk, aren't you? Holy shit, how many bottles of that stuff have you- actually, don't answer that. Are you all right?"

"Fine," he slurred, tearing up as he tried to tell himself that he was, in fact, fine. "Got some dust in my eyes. That's all."

In response, Von eyed him suspiciously. She counted the empty bottles and shook her head before joining him on the floor. "I'm sure," she replied, her tone making it obvious that she wasn't at all convinced. "Has anyone ever told you that you're a terrible liar?"

"Why do you care? Not like you'd get it anyway. I mean, you lived in a hole in the ground. What would you know about losing someone you love?"

Before he could stop himself, he broke down and everything he'd been keeping to himself for years just poured out. His breath came in shallow gasps, and his heart felt as though it would burst as he told Von about Lucy- specifics, like how they met and how she died; that it was his fault she'd been ripped apart by those ghouls... How he'd lied to her about being a soldier, and that a part of him had died with her that day, on the cold floor of that pre-war metro station; how he wished that the ferals had killed him instead.

He stopped to compose himself and looked over at Von, trying to read her expression. As usual, her face gave nothing away. But, instead of laughing or making fun, as he'd thought she might, she simply turned to him with a newfound sadness in her eyes.

"Oh, shit. I'm so sorry."

To MacCready, it seemed that there was more to it than that. But, if there was, she obviously had a reason for not saying it aloud- maybe seeing the depths of his pain, raw and bloody as they were, made her uncomfortable. Or she wasn't used to being around sad drunks with more baggage than she could ever hope to carry, even in a full suit of power armour. Even less likely was the possibility that she understood, or had been in a similar place herself, but it would definitely explain why she had two wedding rings and no husband that he could see. 

Without thinking, and at a loss for words, he leaned over and rested his head against her. She sighed audibly, but allowed it. And, a moment later, she slung an arm over his shoulders and pulled him close to her- like a mother protecting her child. Did she have children of her own? Maybe she could be a mother-figure for Duncan, who was too little to have any memory of his own mother... 

But he was getting ahead of himself. That conversation was for another day, though thinking it certainly meant that he was beginning to move forward; a small victory, in the grand scheme of things, but a victory nonetheless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and so it begins, lol.  
> enjoy, hopefully :)


	6. Portal to the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following the events of the previous night, Von decides to confront her own past and returns to Vault 111, while Mac sleeps off the hangover from hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _i will never be with you_   
>  _because i know they've taken you_   
>  _away from me,_   
>  _and i can only see you in dreams._
> 
> -ankor, _completely frozen_

Von awoke later that morning with a stiff neck and no memory of where she was. As her eyes adjusted to the pre-dawn light, she realized that she'd fallen asleep on the floor of MacCready's cabin, amid a sea of vodka bottles and rubble; he was still sleeping, having passed out about a foot away, and appeared much calmer on the surface than he had been just a few hours ago. The look on his face was peaceful, unlike the anguished state he'd been in when she arrived. And, despite her reluctance to admit it, she'd been deeply impacted by the whole messy ordeal. 

After their initial meeting in Goodneighbor, during which she'd made it abundantly clear that she wasn't looking for friends, Von had made a point of not disclosing any more information than necessary about her personal life. But when Mac, drunk on vodka and the past, broke down and cried on her shoulder, she'd wanted nothing more than to do the same. Finally, they had common ground- she could mourn Nate's death without feeling like a burden, confide in someone who understood the profundity of her loss. And, while it was comforting to know that she wasn't alone, she felt guilty for taking solace in his grief.

Tears sprang to her eyes as she imagined Nate, still frozen in that godforsaken cryo-pod. She'd wanted to give him a proper burial- one befitting the brave and selfless soldier he'd been in life, with all the pomp and circumstance of pre-war politicos. He deserved so much more than an unmarked grave in the middle of nowhere, hence why she'd left him where he had died; at least, this way, she could keep his body safe and out of the hands of the Commonwealth's critters- a small mercy, after what Vault-Tec had done to her family, but one that MacCready's late wife hadn't been afforded.

Fortunately, Mac wasn't much bigger than she was, and she was easily able to carry him over to the bed. Once she'd set him down on the tiny mattress, she tucked him in and stroked his hair, as she'd always done when Shaun cried or wouldn't sleep. Strange, how her maternal instinct had kicked in as soon as she'd arrived in that little room- even before she and Cait had returned from Nordhagen Beach, she'd known that something wasn't right. A mother's intuition never lied, after all. How else would she know that her sweet, little boy was still alive out there somewhere? 

The sun was beginning to rise, so she quickly fashioned a trash can out of a cardboard box and set it beside Mac's bed before hurrying off to find Preston, who was surveying the crops in the garden. "'Morning, Von," he said, pausing to inspect a nearby mutfruit- he only ever called her General in front of the others, though the rapport between them was far less formal when they were alone. "Looks like your mercenary friend did a bang-up job out here. Maybe he's not as hopeless as I initially suspected."

He held up the mutfruit to Von, who nodded approvingly and stuffed it into her satchel. "Indeed," she remarked casually, trying to conceal the audible quiver in her voice. "Now, make sure that he keeps it up while I'm gone. I'm leaving on an important mission, and let's just say that it's a trip I'd rather make unaccompanied- if anyone asks, I'm building defenses at the Castle and won't be back until tomorrow evening."

Preston cocked an eyebrow at her but, knowing better than to protest, nodded his agreement. "Oh, and Preston," she continued, meeting his gaze as she shook his hand. "Once Curie's awake, send her by MacCready's cabin with some stimpaks and purified water. Something tells me he's going to need it."

-

Later that day, MacCready opened his eyes to the shards of splintered sunlight that trickled into the otherwise-dark room. His head was pounding, and he had no idea how he'd gotten into bed; the last thing he remembered was Von's arms around his shoulders, and then nothing. How much had he drank, and what exactly had gone on between then and now?

Just then, Curie's head appeared in the doorway. "Well," she declared, her gentle French accent filling the room as she set the tray she was carrying beside his bed. "I see you 'ave 'ad quite ze night, Monsieur MacCready. Ze General sends her regards."

As she said this, Mac examined the contents of the tray. Stimpaks, water, razorgrain bread, and a cold dishrag- indeed, Von had thought of everything. "Thanks," he mumbled, taking a sip of water as he covered his eyes with the dishrag, trying to drown out the pain in his head. "Tell her I'll thank her personally. But it'll have to wait 'til later. Much later, on account of it feels like a super mutant just caved my head in."

Once he was sure that the stimpaks had taken effect, he headed outside to the garden. Preston was already hard at work, along with Von's friend Cait, and they both stopped to look at him as he arrived. "'Ey there, Creads," Cait greeted him, stopping to mop her brow with the back of her hand. "Guess ye 'ad a bit too much fun last night. But t'is nice of ye t'finally grace us with yer presence."

"That's enough, Cait," Preston warned her, before turning to MacCready. "You, of all people, should remember that settlement life takes some getting used-to. All that matters is that he's here now, and I can get back to more pressing matters."

He walked away, but Mac followed him. "Where's Von?" he asked, hoping to conceal the urgency in his voice. "I just, uh, got the supplies from Curie, and I wanted to say thanks. I kinda owe her an apology, after last night."

"I see," Preston replied, furrowing his brow. "While Vo- er, the General's whereabouts are none of your concern, Mr. MacCready, I will tell you only that she's working on a classified assignment for the Minutemen down at the Castle and should return tomorrow evening. As a civilian, that's all you need to know."

Of course, Mac knew bullshit when he heard it. But, rather than letting Preston in on his plans, he acquiesced and simply nodded in response. "I'll talk to her later, then," he agreed. "But, just one more question... That's not her real name, is it?"

Now, it was Preston's turn to look confused. "I'm not sure," he admitted, scratching his head. "Ever since she rescued my men and I from the museum down in Concord, I've known her as Von. If she went by another name in the vault, I'm sure she has a good reason for not using it; that, and I don't think there's one among us here who knows what it is. But, if you really want to know, just ask her yourself."

But Mac wasn't listening- he already had the information he needed. All he had to do now was find this vault, since he had a feeling that Von would be there. After all the talk about his past, he wouldn't be surprised if she had returned to a place that held her own memories; and so, fuelled by curiosity, he headed off in search of both. Barring a Raider attack, Cait could handle the garden on her own for now.

It wasn't long before he happened upon a massive elevator, surrounded by cars and trucks- rather, what was left of them- and what looked like a control room, with a bright-red button. It looked exactly like the vault he'd lived next to when he was just a kid, still living in Little Lamplight, all those years ago. They'd been trying times- times that he didn't care to remember; but he wasn't doing this for himself. So he pressed the big, red button, jumping onto the platform as it began its descent into its dark depths.

-

Thousands of miles below the ground, Von darted through the elaborate maze that was Vault 111, heart racing and adrenaline coursing through her veins like wildfire. Ever since her escape, she'd been mentally preparing herself for this moment. But, now that she was actually here, she realized just how woefully unprepared she was for the cold reality of it- standing in the very spot where her beloved family had been torn apart, with all the tenderness of a Deathclaw army- and willed herself not to cry as she braced herself for what she'd see. But she'd come too far to turn back now- she owed Nate that much.

She steeled her nerves and stepped into the cryo chamber, retracing her steps as though she'd escaped from this prison just yesterday. Most of the pods had thawed, she observed- likely the result of a system failure that left her friends and neighbours to their frozen graves. But she touched Nate's wedding band around her neck, as if to draw courage from it, and soldiered bravely on, head held high as icy tears clung to her eyelashes.

When she arrived at Nate's pod, she was surprised at how peaceful he looked. If she hadn't known better, she'd have thought he were asleep, and he'd wake up any minute. Eyes fluttering, he'd plant a kiss on her forehead and ask her if she'd mind making him a cup of coffee before he left for work, just as he had every morning for the ten years they'd been married. And what she wouldn't give to feel his arms around her, hear his voice and lose herself in his eyes, just one more time. But the bloodstains on his otherwise-pristine vault suit reminded her that this wasn't a dream; it was her new reality.

Trembling, she opened the pod and reached for her husband's hand. As she'd expected, his skin was clammy and pale against her own, and she shivered slightly- both with fear and from the cold. She'd never had the chance to properly mourn his death, with all her efforts focused on escaping from this awful place; instead, she'd shut down completely, isolating herself from the world and everyone in it. What was the point of becoming close to someone, if they were just going to die and leave her back where she started? If anything happened to Cait, Preston, or anyone else on her settlement, she'd never stop blaming herself.

"I love you," she whispered, choking back sobs as she pressed Nate's fingers against her cheek. "I'll find out who did this, and I'll get Shaun back. I promise."

"Hey, Von? Is that you? What are you doing down here?"

Horrified, she spun around, nearly losing her grip on Nate's hand as she followed the sound to where MacCready stood in the doorway, arms crossed and watching her from a distance. "I should have known," she sighed shakily, realizing how odd this whole scene must have looked. "Preston sent you, didn't he? Should've known he'd send one of you down here to check on me... Thinks I can't handle myself. As soon as I get back to Sanctuary, I'll give him a piece of my-"

"Easy, boss," Mac answered grimly, glancing around at the bodies in various states of thaw. "Preston didn't send me. I came to see if there was anything I could help with, since I owe you one for last night. But I don't have to stay, if you don't want me to. I guess I'll just leave you alone."

In her deep grief, Von was silent. After months of hiding and burying herself in work, her pain was on the table- she felt exposed and vulnerable, as though she were standing there naked, sorrow stripped bare for all to see. But, if anyone in the world would allow her to mourn without judgment, it would be MacCready- the mouthy merc she'd been determined to hate, from the very beginning. In the span of just a few hours, their lives had become inexplicably intertwined. And, whether she liked it or not, they'd be bound by their losses forever.

"No," she insisted, pleadingly this time. "Don't go. I need you."

In the calmest voice she could manage, she told him about Nate and Shaun and her pre-war life. How the people she'd trusted to take care of her family had betrayed her by murdering her husband and taking her young son from her. "It's not fair," she went on, swallowing over the sobs that welled in her throat. "If only they'd killed me too, then none of this would be happening..."

She trailed off midsentence, her breathing so ragged and shallow that her entire body shook with the force of it as she tried desperately to keep her composure. Mac knew that feeling too well, and he regretted some of the asinine comments he'd made- no wonder she'd been angry. But now was not the time to grovel. Instead, he remained silent, wrapping both arms around her shoulders, and held her as she broke down and cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all aboard the feels express! lol.
> 
> thanks to everyone who's left this little story some love so far~ hope you have as much fun reading as i do writing it! feedback is welcome and encouraged, so drop me a line in the comments if you feel so inclined. :)
> 
> much love,  
> esp xx


	7. In This Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After everything that transpired in Vault 111, Von's back to her usual, prickly self. She prepares to head to Quincy with the Minutemen, but Mac has other plans...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _looking at you, i can see beyond this prison_   
>  _that locks you in, hiding your true incarnation._   
>  _a radiant shine- a warmth that i have never_   
>  _felt like this before, and want to feel forever._
> 
> -xandria, _our neverworld_

When Von and MacCready returned to Sanctuary Hills, the other settlers were still hard at work. No one asked any questions about where they'd been or why, meaning that Preston had stuck with her top-secret-op-at-the-Castle story after all; it also confirmed that Mac hadn't been lying when he told her that he'd come of his own volition, since the others definitely would have known about it if Preston had sent someone after her. 

Indeed, she thought it strange that he'd been concerned enough to come looking for her, and even stranger still that his first reaction was to hold her and let her cry. He hadn't really seemed the sentimental type, but that was before he'd told her about his wife- Lucy, was it, or Lisa? She didn't remember now, but what she did remember was the tenderness in his touch; how safe she'd felt in his arms. It had been, perhaps, the safest she'd felt with anyone since Nate died. Not that she was comparing the two- she and Mac were colleagues, not life partners. But it was comforting, to tear the proverbial bandages from the wounds on her heart and just let them bleed, knowing that there was no obligation to justify the mess it made.

Upon entering the settlement, Von retreated to her house and sat down on her mattress, grabbing a can of purified water and taking a massive gulp as she leaned back against the wall. No one had ever touched her like that before Nate, who had been her first real crush, first serious boyfriend, and still the only person she'd ever been intimate with... She'd never much cared for physical contact anyway. But Nate was different; she had trusted him fully, and that trust was part of what had made their years together so gratifying. On the other hand, she and Mac barely knew each other and were, quite literally, a world apart. He was a product of his time, just as much as she was one of hers. And yet here they were, forever bound by losses greater than one person should ever have to endure alone.

After taking a few moments to recuperate from the emotional onslaught she'd endured, she put on her bravest face and left to mingle with the others. The Minutemen were headed to Quincy, to recover some provisions they'd left behind when the place had been overrun by Gunners- one of their most senior members had double-crossed them, Preston had told her. They'd fought hard but, after finding themselves outmanned and outclassed, the remaining Minutemen fled and escaped to Concord, where Von had first found them after exiting Vault 111. And, while she had no idea what they were walking into, she'd happily lend her rifle to the cause if her friends needed it. 

She took a deep breath, then used a nearby radio beacon to call the settlers and the Minutemen to her location. Obediently, they filed into neat rows and listened with bated breath as she waited for the right moment to begin. "Welcome," she finally said, gesturing to the group of people around her. "Thanks for coming, everyone. I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your hard work, and everything that you do. However, we still have more work ahead of us."

The group listened raptly as Von detailed her plans for their upcoming adventure. "Preston and I will lead the charge," she went on. "I need all of you here, though I'll be taking one of you with me, for backup. Cait, would you do the honours?"

Before she could answer, there was a commotion and Mac appeared at the front of the group, amid glares from the others. "Take me with you," he insisted, panting as though he'd just run a marathon. "No offense, Cait, but she needs a protector- not a friend. That area's dangerous, but I know it like the back of my-"

"What?" Von exclaimed, cutting him off midsentence as shock registered on her face. "Are you insane? That's Gunner territory, you idiot! What if they recognize you? What if they-"

"Big fu- er, freakin' deal. Every minute they're looking at me is a minute they're not looking at you, so there."

In response, Von sighed and rolled her eyes, shrugging her shoulders as she conceded defeat. "Very well," she agreed. "You're an idiot, MacCready. But you're a persistent idiot. I'll give you that, though I want you where I can see you at all times. If that's it settled, then, we'll leave for Quincy at first light."

"Give 'er 'ell, 'andsome," Cait added, nodding her assent. "But look after this girl fer me, will ye? Make damn sure she doesn't end up with a bullet in 'er 'ead."

"Of course," Mac replied, smirking triumphantly at Von, who shook her head. "For you, Cait, anything."

-

Some days later, the group arrived in Quincy. They'd been walking for days but, other than being sleep-deprived and hungry, they were no worse for wear and had all managed to stay in one piece for the entire journey. So they found a little shack on the outskirts of the city and set up shop there- Preston and Von talked tactics, while the others set about preparing food or assembling a makeshift sick bay for anyone who got injured in combat. And, after taking a night to recoup, they finally headed out to face the Gunners. 

They split into two groups- Von, MacCready, and Mama Murphy took the left side of the base, while Preston, Sturges, and the Long twins took the right. The idea was that they'd form a creeping barrage, to pick off the lowest-ranked Gunners first- those nearer the ground, who had less combat experience than their veteran counterparts- and clear a path to the top of the compound, where Von and Mac would take care of Clint and his goons. Once it was over, the Minutemen could take back what they lost and, as per their agreement, Von could keep anything she killed- she might even share, if she was feeling particularly generous.

"Time to, uh, split up the loot?"

"In your dreams, MacCready. Now shut your trap before you blow our cover."

"Mama Murphy's as good as her word, kid. No more chems, and-"

"That means you too, Murphy."

They stopped talking, and Von led her team up to the top of the compound. When she finally caught a glimpse of Clint, she sighed audibly. "Shit," she grumbled, motioning for the rest of her group to come closer. "Go figure, he's got a suit of power armour on. But I have an idea- you two go in and distract him, and I'll see if I can blow him up from here. I'll cover you, but try not to get yourselves killed, for the love of God."

-

Once the fight was over, and the Minutemen successfully avenged, Von made sure to loot everything in the compound. She grabbed a few bottles of Nuka Cola, a copy of Guns & Bullets #5, some rare power-armour pieces, and everything in Clint's steamer trunk before retreating to their makeshift base, where her team met up with Preston's to discuss the events of the battle.

Of course, Mac wasn't paying attention to any of the conversations happening around him. Now that he'd seen what Von could do- was willing to do- to the Gunners, there was no doubt in his mind that she'd be able to help him get rid of Barnes and Winlock for good. They were loud and stupid, and they needed to die; and, since Von liked killing things, it was a match made in heaven. But he needed to talk to her alone, when she wasn't surrounded by the Minutemen, so he pretended to be asleep and waited until the others were snoring before he made his case.

While the team rested, Von sat in the corner of the room beside a fire she'd made. It was dark out, but the flames illuminated her green eyes, which were the only things visible against the black backdrop of the evening sky. Mac crawled out of his sleeping bag and wandered across the room, lighting a cigarette as he leaned against the wall. He offered the pack to Von, who declined but said nothing as the tendrils of smoke wafted lazily through the air. 

"I'd kill for a drink," he remarked aloud, to no one in particular. "Come to think of it, I have."

He'd hoped that it might get a laugh or two out of her. Von had such a pretty smile, though it was just as rare a sight as clean water in the Capital Wasteland. Instead, she sighed and rested her head against the brick wall as she peered up at him. "You would," she replied, running a hand through her hair as she shook her head. "Luckily for you, I'll share without being murdered into submission."

As she said it, she produced a bottle of wine from her backpack and took a long sip before handing it to Mac, who gratefully accepted. They passed it back and forth until the bottle was dry, and she pulled out another to take its place. "I don't drink often," she admitted. "But, when I do, it's usually for courage- so that I can face the day, and this new life I've been forced into. I've always been selective about the company I keep, but at least the wine doesn't talk back. I'm not much for human friends."

"Me neither. But you're a pretty cool chick, Von. I'll be your friend."

In response, she looked up at him and smiled- briefly, but just enough that it lit up her whole face, and the night, with its shine. "Sure," she answered with a chuckle, draining the last of the bottle in her hand. "Just don't slit my throat for a pack of those cancer sticks, and we're good."

"What about for two?"

"Go fuck yourself."

They both laughed this time, then fell into a comfortable silence. Mac lit another cigarette and glanced down at Von- her eyes were closed, head tilted back as she leaned against the wall; her hand was still wrapped around the neck of the bottle beside her, the same bottle holding the wine that stained her lips a bloody red. Again, he imagined kissing her- the taste of wine and smoke mixing on his tongue as he dragged his fingers through her long, silky hair; running his thumb over her jawline, unzipping her vault suit to cover every inch of her with kisses... But, even with all the liquid courage in the world, on two separate occasions, he still hadn't told her how he felt.

"Hey, boss?"

Von's eyes flickered open, the flames once again drawing attention to how green they were. Did the woman truly not understand just how beautiful she was, or was she trying to be humble because everything he'd been thinking was written all over his face?

"What is it, MacCready?"

"I just... You're... How do I say this? I-"

Just then, Preston appeared in front of them. "General," he said, saluting her and nodding his head at Mac. "Thanks so much for keeping watch. I haven't had a decent night's sleep since the last time we left this place, and I definitely needed the break. Hopefully, sleeping with one eye open is a thing of the distant past. But you've done enough for us already. If you like, I can take over from here and you can get some rest."

"That's fine, Preston," she replied, waving away his concern. "I'm always happy to help, though I couldn't sleep if I wanted to. You go on back to bed, and I'll be right here when you wake up."

Preston nodded his agreement and went back to his sleeping bag. Once he was gone, Von looked up at Mac expectantly. "Sorry about that," she added, opening another bottle of wine. "Seems there's always something to do around here. But enough about that- what was it that you wanted to tell me?"

In that moment, Mac was grateful for the darkness. Had it been light out, Von might have noticed that every ounce of blood in his body had rushed to his face, turning it the same shade of red as the wine they were drinking. "Never mind," he lied, secretly cursing Preston for interrupting his moment. "Lost it, but I'm sure it'll come to me. In the meantime, you wanna kill some more Gunners?"

This drew a confused look from Von, who scratched her head. "Really?" she asked curiously. "You mean you haven't killed enough of those bastards already?"

"Maybe," he answered, lighting yet another cigarette. "Just kidding. But, seriously... You remember those two idiots from the Third Rail? The ones I was talking to, the day we met? Well, I'm not sure how much of the conversation you heard, but the general idea's that they want me dead if I take any more jobs in _their_ territory. Wasn't planning on it, but the only way to make sure I stay alive is to make sure that they don't. So, uh, you in?"

Von shrugged and stared at the ground, as she tended to do when deep in thought. "That depends," she responded, as though seriously considering his suggestion. "Where are they located, and what can you tell me about them? I know it sounds silly, but I like to think I have discerning taste when it comes to choosing asshats to kill."

"Uh, let's see," Mac went on. "Their names are Barnes and Winlock- at least those are the names they go by. They're big, stupid tools who get off on hurting people- Winlock talks a big game, but he shoots like a little girl and that's why he hangs around with Barnes. Their base is at Mass Pike Interchange, which is south of your settlement, and it's too well-guarded for me to just walk in there alone. But that's where you come in. They'll never even see you coming!"

He trailed off, awaiting her response, and he counted exactly three minutes of silence before she nodded. "I'm in," she agreed. "I'm not overly familiar with the area, but we'll figure it out. Just lead and I'll follow you- a little spin on our usual arrangement."

She glanced around at the others, who were still sleeping peacefully, and Mac watched as she raised her eyes to meet his once more. "Right," she continued, putting her helmet back on as she patted her rifle firmly. "We'll leave with the rest of the group once the sun is up. That way, we aren't vulnerable to attack on the way, since I'm willing to bet that Barnes and Winlock are expecting you. Once we get to the easternmost tunnel, we'll be close enough to home that I'm sure Preston won't object if you and I take a slight... detour. Now, go get some rest- you'll need your strength, and I'll need you in one piece, if we're to stand a chance at making it out of this alive."

"Sure thing. G'night, boss."

"Likewise."

And, with that, Mac retreated to his sleeping bag. Fortunately, Von had agreed to help him take care of the Gunners, though he still hadn't told her how he felt. But he would, as soon as the time was right and they were alone- she was always surrounded by the Minutemen and others, making it impossible to get her attention. But maybe, once Barnes and Winlock had been successfully dispatched, he'd finally have the courage to tell her everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh, this chapter is super late... preparing for job interviews+ school starting soon= very sporadic updates.
> 
> oh well, enjoy (hopefully) :)  
> -esp xx


	8. Long Road Ahead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having recouped their losses in Quincy, the Minutemen return to Sanctuary as Von and Mac head to Mass Pike to take on the Gunners. But, when our intrepid adventurers are sidelined by a violent storm on the way home, Mac decides to put his cards on the table and tell Von the truth about his feelings for her... with mixed, unexpected results.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _as much as i'd like the past not to exist,_   
>  _it still does_   
>  _and, as much as i'd like to feel like i belong here,_   
>  _i'm just as scared as you._
> 
> -evanescence, _lost in paradise_

It was mid-afternoon when the group parted ways. Satisfied with their revenge, the Minutemen were on their way home to the safety of Sanctuary Hills, leaving Von and MacCready to face the second group of Gunners on their own. But it was for the best that Preston and company hadn't joined them for the assault on Mass Pike Interchange- a large group would have simply drawn too much attention to their presence and, to Von, it had seemed a foregone conclusion that a smaller team increased their chances of success.

However, Mac had a much different reason for wanting to do this alone. Sure, he wanted to give Barnes and Winlock the star treatment himself, but that wasn't the only reason; there were things he had to say that the others shouldn't hear- words meant for Von's ears, and hers alone. He had fully intended to tell her the previous night, since the wine they'd been drinking had relaxed him and given him a dose of much-needed liquid courage; the stage had been set- the fire, her eyes, the black velvet sky- before Preston had barged in and ruined the mood.

 _Fu- er, darn you, Preston. I hate you so much right now._

His eyes met hers, and she nodded as they climbed aboard the lift that would take them directly to Barnes and Winlock's posts. Von had one hand on her combat rifle, per usual, and Mac gripped his shotgun tightly in his shaking hands. He could easily put those two idiots out of their misery, wipe those smug grins off their faces- and, possibly, their faces off their heads- but he could tell that Von desperately wanted a piece of the action too. She wanted someone, anyone, to answer for her husband's death, and he'd gladly give her that chance- one that had been denied to him when Lucy died. If she wanted to blow these assholes to bits, he'd let her... and he'd help her do it.

When they stepped off the platform, Von motioned for silence, and they stood in that same spot for what felt like an eternity before she finally brought the rifle's scope to her eye and fired. Just like that, a power armour-clad figure dropped to the ground like a sack of tatos. She'd killed without her victim ever seeing her, because he'd asked her to, and he could tell that she enjoyed it because of the way her face lit up as the body had crumpled into a dead, silent heap. Her eyes glittered with the satisfaction of vengeance sated- for now, of course- which, to Mac, was sexy as hell.

_She could have blown him to smithereens, and I'd still want to bang her senseless. Nothing says romance quite like brains splattered all over the... Ugh, what the hell, MacCready? That's disgusting! But, if she killed for me, then she obviously cares about me... Right?_

-

Some hours later, Von was standing in the commanders' shack, ransacking the place for goodies. She'd already grabbed an early issue of Grognak, plus some food, power armour, and a couple of bottlecap mines... and those were only the beginning.

"Oh, come on," Mac wheedled, fidgeting with his boot laces as he watched his boss fill her pack with still more stuff. "You're not gonna make me carry that junk, are you? Seriously, Von, just leave it!"

In response, she simply glanced up and rolled her eyes at him. "Don't be silly," she chirped, with a shake of her head. "This stuff's worth a mint at the trading posts in Diamond City. Then, we'll be rich, and we'll have enough caps to sustain the settlement for years! You're not the one who has to feed all those people, after all."

Mac grumbled, but let her continue sifting through their findings, and he didn't question her- even when she handed him strange objects like globes, kitchen items, and even dishrags. Sure, most of it was worthless but, if it made her happy, then she could take the lot. After everything she'd been through, Von deserved to be happy, and he'd see to it himself that she would smile again in time.

After cramming as much as they could into their packs, Von and Mac made their way back down the lift and headed for home. But they'd only been on the road for an hour when the skies turned black and opened with a fury unparalleled by any living thing. "Shit," Von hissed, shielding her face with her sleeve as the rain pounded down like a hail of bullets. "If we'd only waited just a few minutes, we'd've been warm and snug in the commanders' shack. But, since we didn't, we need to find some shelter before we drown, or die of hypothermia."

"Hypo-what-now?"

"Never mind. Just follow me."

They walked for several minutes, eventually settling on a dilapidated office building with only a single, yellow sleeping bag- similar to the one they'd spent the night in, on the day they'd met- and watched the storm intently through one of the caved-in windows. "We should get some sleep," Von suggested, inclining her head toward the sleeping bag. 'We'll take shifts- that way, you can sleep while I watch for Raiders."

Mac nodded, though he wasn't really listening. He imagined Von snuggled up beside him, sharing a bottle of wine as a roaring fire crackled in time with his heartbeat. She'd done so much for him already, even though he didn't deserve her kindness- frankly, he'd been a bit of a jerk to her when their paths had crossed that day in Goodneighbor, and he was appalled that she had even considered his offer of friendship, especially after some of the comments he'd made early on.

"You've done enough for me already, boss. Not only are Barnes and Winlock dead because of you, but you helped me without expecting anything in return... And, in this fu- er, messed-up world, it means a lot. I owe you one."

Von shook her head, but he wasn't going to take no for an answer this time. "Here," he said, opening up her hand and pressing his caps purse into it. "You can have these- they're the caps you paid me, the night we met. Sure, you hired me, but I'm the one who dragged you out here, so I guess I owe you a favour now. Why don't you rest, and I'll take the first watch?"

"But what about you? You'll catch your death of cold out here!"

"Don't worry, boss," Mac went on, gesturing to the sleeping bag again. "My coat'll keep the cold out for now. So I'll be fine- besides, I like to keep things nice and even."

His eyes met hers, and she waffled for a few moments before finally crawling into the bag. It was torn in places, and some water had seeped through the lining, but it was definitely warmer than she would have been otherwise. She tried to sleep, but her eyes remained fixed on Mac- he was sitting on a nearby ledge with his back to her, smoking a cigarette as fat raindrops plopped down onto his head. Von knew that he was trying to tough it out, for her sake, but she felt guilty every time he shivered from the cold.

"Don't be ridiculous," she finally insisted, pulling herself upright. "Damn your pride, MacCready. Another minute out there, and you'll turn into an ice statue! Get in the bag before you die on me."

"Rea- I mean, there's not enough room for... Is that okay with you?"

Von shrugged, but nodded anyway. "It's fine," she responded, patting the yellow surface of the bag as the wind whipped her hair about. "Given the choice between life and death, I choose life. And so should you."

Though he almost couldn't believe what he was hearing, Mac hesitated, but he finally nodded his agreement and stubbed out the cigarette, removing his wet coat before joining her in the bag. It was bigger than it looked, though there still wasn't a ton of space- it felt strange, as the last time he'd been this close to someone was before Lucy died. But Von's presence was comforting and, if everything went according to plan, perhaps this sort of thing would become a regular occurrence.

"Uh, Von?"

Her green eyes peered expectantly up at him, and Mac could feel her gaze penetrating deep into his soul, as though she knew exactly what he was about to say. "Well," he went on, his voice shaking as it caught in his throat. "About what I was going to tell you last night... I, uh, don't really know how to say this, but..."

"What is it?" Von asked, the words gentle and reassuring on her lips. "Is everything all right?"

Mac nodded, shaking from head to foot as every ounce of blood rushed to his face. "I guess," he replied, as his heart thudded in his chest like gunfire. "I mean, I'm not as good with my words as you. But what I'm trying to say is... Is that I... Man, I suck at this whole words thing."

Before he could talk himself out of it, he leaned over and kissed her, hard. She hesitated at first, then returned the gesture, grabbing the back of his head as she inched closer. His shoulders tensed as her arms slid around his neck, but he slowly began to relax, stroking her cheek as he slipped his tongue between her lips. Kissing Von was everything he'd imagined it would be; she was as sweet as summer wine, and a strangled moan escaped the back of his throat as the world around them spun in a haze of colour. But she quickly swallowed the sound of her name, and Mac could feel the heat that raged between them wrapping itself around him as though he'd taken a bath in fire.

_Oh my god. This is really happening..._

A few minutes later, though, he broke the kiss and pulled away with tears in his eyes. "God," he sighed, brushing beads of sweat from his forehead. "I can't remember the last time I ever felt so... I mean, I didn't think I'd ever feel this close to anyone again. But you're different, Von- I wanted to tell you sooner, but... I didn't know how. I just..."

"It's fine," she whispered, moving closer as her fingers traced lazy patterns across his chest. "I had my suspicions, though I didn't feel it my place to force it out of the shadows. Especially because I'm not sure I'm ready for something like this now."

She must have seen the look on his face change, because she quickly corrected herself. "It's not that I don't care," she added, the moonlight casting guilty shadows over her face. "I do, deeply and truly. Hell, I've killed for you, and I'd do it again if it would prove that everything I'm about to say is real. But I'm just... I mean, Nate and my family, and everything that's happened so far... I've already lost so much, and I can't lose you too."

"I get it," he responded distantly, his voice muffled by her hair. "In that way, we're basically two sides of the same coin, boss. When Lucy died, my world fell apart, and I know you're afraid, because so am I. But I'm crazy about you, and I'd regret it forever if we didn't at least give it a shot. So you don't have to love me back, but can you promise me you'll try?"

And, just like that, the words were out in the open. Mac watched Von's face for some hint of emotion, though she was just as hard to read as usual- like a newspaper left outside in the rain, words bleeding into one another until all decipherable speech was obscured beyond recognition. Hell, trying to gauge her reaction made the Railroad's labyrinth of codes and puzzles look easy. Her eyes gave nothing away. But, though he'd never been any good at riddles, he knew that she felt it too.

"I want to," she murmured gently, brushing a strand of wet hair from her eyes as she fingered the wedding band around her neck. "But what about Nate? Would it bother you if I told you I still love him?"

Mac thought about it for a moment before shaking his head _no_. Of course it bothered him, but he understood that it would take some time before her wounds fully healed- if they healed at all. "It's okay," he answered reassuringly, brushing a stray tear from her cheek as he folded her into his arms. "I get it. I've been there, and that's why I knew it was a risk, dumping all my feelings on you like this. But it's a chance I was willing to take. Sure, I'm your friend, but I kinda hoped that you'd think of us as something more."

Von didn't answer right away, but a brief smile flitted across her lips as she moved closer. "Of course, I do," she finally said, slipping her fingers into his. "Even if I don't say it, know that I feel it. I just hope I don't disappoint you."

"You couldn't if you tried, boss. Now, where were we?"

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he leaned in for a kiss, and she responded in kind. There was no trepidation in her touch now, and he pulled her closer as she unbuttoned his shirt, trailing her fingers over the numerous scars he'd acquired over the years. Gunshot wounds and burns were par for the course while running with the Gunners, and so he braced himself for pain. But her touch was gentle, comforting as the rhythm of the rain on the sleeping bag, as the cool water spilled down- a rebirth, of sorts, for both of them.

_Your pain is my pain. And I'll stitch every wound, until you can no longer see the scars._

Finally, the rain subsided, and Mac planted a kiss on the back of Von's neck, wrapping his body around hers as if to shield her from the world and its cruelties. Just listening to her breathe seemed to bring him back to the moment– just the two of them, alone and huddled together in a tiny yellow sleeping bag, in the middle of a thunderstorm. He had finally told Von the truth, and he now knew that she felt the same- in her own way, of course.

_I'll protect you, I swear._

Von's uncharacteristic silence was strange, heavy, and it drew attention to how alone- how vulnerable- they were. But it was the only reassurance Mac needed, and he stroked her hair as they drifted off to sleep, entwined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was the scene in the dream i had (obviously edited, so that the story itself would make sense). i had no plans of having von be romantic with anyone but, after that, i was pretty much obligated to make them a thing.
> 
> updates are long overdue, but at least i survived my first week of school/work without making an utter mess of things.
> 
> enjoy, hopefully!  
> -esp xx


	9. I'm The One You're Looking For

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Von and Mac return to Sanctuary, keeping the events of the previous night to themselves. But the others are starting to catch on, and Von wonders whether or not she's made a mistake as she grapples with her past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _glass hailed from the sky that night;_   
>  _i couldn't hide to save my life._   
>  _standing, drenched in open wounds,_   
>  _you took my hand and pulled me through._
> 
> _i want to give you everything-_   
>  _i'll give you my all_   
>  _because you gave me, you gave me your lips;_   
>  _a gentle kiss- the medicine to cure my pain._
> 
> -eyes set to kill, _give you my all._

That morning, Von rose with the sun. She'd been having a wonderful dream, in which the bombs had never fallen and her family was still whole- the morning of October 23, 2077 had picked up exactly where it had left off, and they'd gone to the park as planned. They'd packed a picnic lunch consisting of sandwiches, Nuka Cola, and Yum Yum deviled eggs, plus a few bottles of milk for Shaun... It all felt so real that she could have sworn she tasted the last drops of Nuka Cherry- Nate's favourite- on her tongue when she woke up. But alas, it had been but a construct of her imagination.

She tried to sit upright, but was stopped by the weight of Mac's arms around her waist. Then she remembered the previous night, and what had transpired between them- she had suspected that he'd been keeping something from her, but he'd caught her completely off-guard with that kiss. It felt strange, she thought, being so close to someone who wasn't Nate. And yet, she'd kissed back, heat stirring in her belly as she'd let him breathe life back into her cold, dead heart. Feeling something that wasn't pain was a welcome reprieve from the madness her world had become. But had she gotten ahead of herself?

Indeed, their closeness had left her with a nagging sense of guilt. By allowing herself to feel something besides pain, she felt as though she had somehow disrespected her late husband's memory, but she'd never tell Mac as much. She'd probably given him the wrong idea entirely- he'd said it himself: he was in love with her. And with love came the expectation of sex, which she definitely wasn't ready for. And, even though he was the only person alive who could possibly understand her predicament, he had already survived so much tragedy and deserved better than the pain that being emotionally invested in her would bring.

_He's fragile, and I'm a Deathclaw in a china shop. Probably thinks he's up for the challenge, until he realizes just how broken we both are... It's only a matter of time before someone gets hurt, and it sure as hell won't be me._

In the distance, a radgull's low, mournful cry could be heard echoing through the Commonwealth, rousing its citizens from slumber. It also woke MacCready, who rolled over in the sleeping bag and stroked her cheek with one hand. "Well hello, beautiful," he murmured sleepily, burying his face in her hair. "Is it time to go already?"

"Yes. But you can have a few more minutes, if you need them. In the meantime, I'll go get started on breakfast, so we don't starve."

She moved to stand, but Mac tightened his arms around her and pulled her back down into the sleeping bag. "Hey now," he went on. "Don't you go getting too far away from me. I like being close."

Unsure of how to respond, Von simply leaned back into his embrace and closed her eyes, trying to ignore the shame that nestled in the pit of her stomach, gnawed at it like a mole rat might its unsuspecting prey. Her heart thudded against her chest, so hard that she thought it might break her open, and she was suddenly overwhelmed by the need to put distance between her body and his. All she could see was Nate, and she hoped that Mac wouldn't notice her distress. She liked being close to him too, and she didn't want to jeopardize their bond by telling him that her heart still belonged to a man more than two hundred years dead. Maybe Cait would be able to help her figure these strange feelings out.

In spite of this, she humoured him for a few more minutes before finally sitting up and dragging herself out of the sleeping bag. The rain had slowed to a gentle trickle, and a fat droplet plopped down onto her nose as she rummaged around in her pack for some mutfruit. "Breakfast," she called, barely missing Mac's head as she tossed one at him from her position. "For the road, since it's a long way home from here."

-

Some days later, Von and MacCready returned to Sanctuary Hills and resumed their regular duties. They hadn't spoken to each other, or to anyone else, about what transpired between them on that rainy night in the Commonwealth, but Von figured it was for the best- allowing themselves to get caught up in these strange, messy feelings was dangerous, and it would likely mean certain death for them both. But, as long as they kept it a closely guarded secret, perhaps they could minimize the damage.

That morning, Preston sent word of a settlement that was in need of assistance, and Von disappeared before the sun crept into the sky. Some houses down, Mac lay awake in bed, staring at the ceiling- he didn't know why Von was so intent on keeping this whole thing out of the public eye, why she had insisted that their night in the Commonwealth stay between them. She hadn't rejected him outright, so why did it feel as though she were somehow ashamed? Had he been too forward, or had he misinterpreted her reaction completely? And, more importantly, she still hadn't told him that she loved him back.

He pondered this on his way to the garden, figuring that he'd help Cait with the vegetable patch to pass some time. But, on his way there, he passed Piper- a reporter from Diamond City, who'd recently come here to help Von spread the word about the return of the Minutemen. In the past, they'd never acknowledged each others' presence. But today, she stopped him with a wave of her arm, extending her hand in what looked like a peace offering.

"So, you and Von, huh?"

At this, Mac eyed her suspiciously. "What?" was all he managed, his breath catching in his throat at the revelation. "How did you- I mean, she told you?"

"She didn't have to," Piper replied, removing a pen from her pocket and tucking it behind her ear as she shook her head. "I'm a reporter, and a good one at that. Nothing stays hidden forever. And, besides, I can see it in the way you look at her- the way she looks at you. There's definitely something there, even if she won't acknowledge it openly."

For some reason, hearing those words bothered him. In saying them, Piper had unknowingly echoed Von's sentiments from the night before, and it made him wonder still more why she wouldn't say that she loved him. "Point taken," he agreed, nodding as he dropped his gaze to the floor. "But tell me, Ms. Reporter- if that's true, and she does care about me, why won't she just come out and say it?"

His voice wavered on the last few words, and Piper could instantly tell that she'd touched a nerve. "Look," she answered, motioning for him to meet her eyes. "There are two kinds of people in this world, MacCready: the ones who show affection through words, and those who show it by not letting you die. Both fortunately and unfortunately for you, Von is a woman of few words- she definitely has your back, though saying so doesn't come naturally to her, and she'd never forgive herself if something happened to you. She has scars of her own. But, if things stay the way they are now, it's possible that she might yet feel comfortable expressing how much she cares for you in words."

As intended, Piper's words had a calming effect, and Mac no longer felt so unsure about the whole thing. “I sure hope so," he admitted, adjusting his hat as he finally looked her in the eye. "I mean, I know we haven't been together long. But, after everything we've been through, I'd kinda hoped she'd be able to trust me. I don't mean to be hard on her; it's just that...”

"No worries," she replied, cutting neatly through his words. "I get it. We've all been there and, even if Von and I aren't super close, I know enough that she has everyone's best interests at heart. I'm sorry I can't be of more help, but maybe try talking to Cait- those two are practically sisters. And, in my professional reporter's opinion, it's probably best to keep this between us- you, me, and Cait- at least for now. But I think you and Von are pretty cute together... Off the record, of course."

She glanced quickly around the area to make sure that no one had been listening to their conversation. "And so, it begins," she went on, nodding toward a house only steps away from his own. "Time to get to work, but I really hope that helped, at least a little. Good luck, and I'll see you around!"

With a quick wave and a wink in his direction, she was gone, leaving Mac alone in his thoughts once more. He knew that Piper was right, and that it wasn't fair to push Von into talking– she'd already shown him that she cared, and she'd speak up when the time was right, but it felt so far away. Telling her that he loved her had been a huge risk, and all he wanted was to hear her say it back. But manipulating her into it was cruel- Piper's advice had confirmed that, though it had done nothing to soothe the nagging sense of doubt that kept him awake at night.

By the time he reached the garden, Cait was already there and hard at work. In fact, she was so engrossed in her task that she didn't even notice him. But she eventually stopped to mop her brow, and that was when she finally acknowledged his presence. "Oi, 'andsome," she called out, as though this were some sort of greeting. "What can I do ye for?"

"Oh, hey Cait. Uh, this is gonna sound weird, but you're Von's best friend, right? Has she... uh, told you anything about... us?"

For a moment, Cait looked confused, but an expression of understanding soon fell over her face. "Maybe," she replied. "Just a bit in passin', y'know- nothin' too serious. But I'll be takin' it to me grave. She's me best friend, sure. But she's also me only friend, and I'd die before I'd break 'er trust."

She trailed off, and Mac nodded his agreement. "No," he answered. "I wouldn't ask you to do that, Cait. It's just that... I care a lot about her, and I know she cares for me too. At the end of the Quincy mission, I kissed her... And she kissed me back. She won't say it out loud, but I know it's real. I can feel it.”

"Aw," Cait exclaimed, her eyes seeming to light up. “Well ain't that sweet! Von's a helluva lady, an' she's gotta heart o'gold. But I know she still hurts sometimes. Fer what it's worth, Creads, just give 'er time. She'll come 'round sooner or later. But don't mistake 'er lack of words t'mean that she doesn't care fer ye. I know she does. I can see it in 'er eyes."

She glanced up and quickly muttered something that sounded like _Garvey's coming, look busy_. But, when she pointed directly over his shoulder, Mac turned around and noticed that Von, not Preston, was headed in their direction. "C'mon," Cait urged, trying not to laugh as his face turned as red as a tato. "Do it. Kiss 'er. Who cares if ev'ry soul in the Commonwealth sees it? At least they'll know she's yers."

His mind made up, Mac decided that he was just going to go for it. But, at seeing the worn, broken expression on Von's face, he changed his mind and held back. "V- er, General," he said, nodding as he restrained himself from embracing her like he desperately wanted to. "What is it? Is everything all right?"

In response, she shook her head and motioned for him to follow her. "Come with me," she whispered, almost pleadingly, as her voice broke on the last word. "Cait, you too. I've just found out some horrible news, and I need you. Both of you."

Mac nodded and, sharing a confused glance with Cait, followed Von up the hill. He wasn't quite sure what was going on but, if it bothered Von that much, then he would do anything he could to make it disappear. Her demons were his own, and he would help her face them head-on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "i desire that which will destroy me in the end." -sylvia plath
> 
> (should be working on my history essay, but this is much more fun)


	10. Keep a Knockin' (But You Can't Come In)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having returned from her latest mission with some terrible news about Shaun's whereabouts, Von enlists the help of her closest companions to plan an assault on Fort Hagen. Also, Mac has jealousy issues, Cait gets creative with her insults, and Von's real name is finally revealed (to the others).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _waiting for a ship that won't come in,_   
>  _waiting for a tear to reach her chin;_   
>  _i'm knocking but she will not let me in._
> 
> -great big sea, _widow in the window_

As soon as she and her companions were safely behind closed doors, Von abandoned all composure and dropped to her knees, shaking like a tree branch in a hailstorm. "My baby," she practically sobbed, her voice trembling as tears streamed down her cheeks in silver sheets. "They have him! They have my baby! They have my-"

"Hold up a sec," Mac interjected. "What are you talking about? Who the hell is _they_ , and why does it have your baby?"

He'd been so caught up in the heat of the moment that he'd forgotten to censor himself. But this was a crisis, and he was sure that Duncan would have forgiven him for his momentary lapse in judgment. "Okay," he continued, shaking his head as he stared at Cait, then the floor. "Clearly, we have to do something, but where do we start? Whoever has your baby, I'm sure we can't just walk in and take him back."

He touched her shoulder, hoping to bring her back to the present, but she brushed off his arm and recoiled as though hit by a flamethrower. A pang of sadness reverberated through his chest, but he remembered that she wasn't herself and tried not to take it personally. Instead, he tried to imagine how he would feel if someone had taken Duncan from him, and his anger only intensified- he would have murdered the guy who tried to separate them, and he would help Von do the same... once they figured out who had Shaun.

"Let's kill 'im," Cait added, echoing Mac's earlier sentiment as she knelt down on the floor beside Von and held her hand, as if to give her strength. "I'll go with ye, boss- just say the word. But where're we goin', an' who's this scavver we're after?"

While Mac respected Cait, and her position as Von's best friend, the gesture only infuriated him. Protecting Von was his job, not Cait's; it should have been him she held onto for comfort. He wasn't sure whether to be mad at Cait, for stepping into his role, or at Von, for allowing it. But he held his tongue for the moment, figuring that he'd bring it up with her later. Going off like a human grenade wasn't going to help their cause.

"Kellogg," Von replied, calmer now. "According to Nick, he's holed up at Fort Hagen- old pre-war military base that's basically home to nothing but dust these days. We had Dogmeat track his scent there, but we don't know if he's alone or had help. Nick says the guy's involved with something called The Institute, but I don't know who or what that is. All I know is that they have Shaun, and that I promised Nate I'd get him back- I _promised_."

Her voice broke on the last word, and Cait's eyes darkened as she stroked the scope of her shotgun. "The Institute?" she repeated, her voice rising about two octaves. "Can' say I know too much 'bout 'em, other than they're real bad news. 'Ey Creads, y'hearin' this?"

But Mac ignored her, keeping his eyes glued to the floor. He understood how important this was to Von, that she wanted her son back and to honour the promise she'd made to her dead husband- he'd done the same for Lucy, after all. But hearing her say the guy's name was just a reminder that he'd never measure up, that he'd only ever be a replacement in her eyes. And it hurt.

"Go figure," he heard Cait say, as she elbowed him in the ribs. "Lights're on but ain't nobody 'ome."

Harmless though they may have been, something in him snapped at her words. "To hell with you," he practically shouted, not bothering to censor himself as he tried to disguise the audible quiver in his voice. "What would a drug-addled whore like you know-?"

"Been clean six months, ye skirt-wearin' sheep-fucker! I'll rip off yer cock n' wear it 'round me neck."

Cait balled her hands into fists, assuming her fighter's stance as Mac reached for his shotgun. Von looked confused, almost like she was going to cry again, but quickly changed her mind and grabbed her rifle from its holster instead, firing three shots into the air.

"ENOUGH!"

Thankfully, the noise was enough to scare both of her companions into surrender. Cait lowered her hands and Mac dropped his weapon, bowing his head in shame as he returned his gaze to the floor. "Sorry, boss," he mumbled, kicking at a pebble on the ground as he cursed himself for letting his emotions get the better of him. "You too, Cait. I shouldn't' have said those things. I just... I've got a lot on my mind is all."

In response, Cait only glared at him. But it was Von who answered for her. "We all do," she answered shakily- somehow still the voice of reason in chaos. "But I can't have you two at each others' throats like this. Not when I need you both, more than I ever have."

He opened his mouth to reply, but Codsworth skittered in at that exact moment, likely responding to the shots that had been fired. "What's all this, then?" he asked, looking around the room from Von, to Cait, to Mac, and back again. "Miss Olivia, is everything all right?"

"Fine, Codsworth. Everything's fine. But we're friends, and you can call me Von, just like the others do. Only my parents and Nate ever called me by my name anyway."

Upon hearing Nate's name, Mac bristled and swallowed the anger that welled in his throat. He could live with _my late husband_ , or something less personal, but Von's repeated use of his name only drove home what they both already knew: he was simply filling the void left by another man, who it seemed was still very much alive. She clearly wasn't ready to move on from her former life- perhaps she never would be. He knew her burden well, so he wasn't sure why it bothered him as much as it did.

Thankfully, no one seemed to notice his agitation as Codsworth prepared to make his exit. "Very well," the robot butler chirped, his mechanical eyes bobbing in agreement. "As you wish, though it may take a few days to reprogram the old memory banks. Proud to serve as always, mum!"

As he zoomed out, Mac and Cait exchanged looks before turning back to Von. "Oh, wow," Mac remarked, looking her in the eye. "So that's your real name. Where does Von come from, anyway?"

"Good question," she responded sarcastically, as if purposely avoiding the subject. "Especially coming from you, since I'm willing to bet that your name's not MacCready either. But that's besides the point. We leave for Fort Hagen tomorrow morning, and we'll get Shaun back from this Kellogg guy, this Institute... For now, though, we rest. We'll need every ounce of strength we have for the coming days."

She turned to follow Cait back to their shared house, but Mac trailed after her like a lost puppy. Part of him was still angry that she'd chosen Cait over him, but the other part just wanted to be close to her- something he hadn't felt, since their night in the Commonwealth. 

"Hey, boss?"

Upon hearing his voice, Von's head snapped up and she turned to look at him. "Not now," she sighed, shaking her head. "It's late, and it's been a long day. Right now, I just need to be alone."

Disheartened, he nodded his response and wandered back to his little house. A few bourbons later, he fell asleep, but woke in the middle of the night to find Von sitting in an armchair across from his bed. She looked to be asleep but, as his eyes adjusted to the dark, he could see that she was watching him intently. For a moment, he thought he was dreaming, until she moved from the chair to his side.

"Von?" he wondered aloud, reaching over to touch her hair. "Is that really you? What are you doing here?"

In response, she held a finger to her lips and motioned for him to follow her- an odd request, but he did it anyway. She led him to the back of a house at the very end of her row, about three down from where she stayed with Cait, and pointed at what looked like a small trapdoor. "In here," she said, as she pulled the gate open. "I found this place a few nights ago; the people who lived here before had a root cellar added, in case of-" she rolled her eyes- "total atomic annihilation. But it's my best-kept secret, and no one else in Sanctuary knows it exists... except us."

 _Just like our relationship_ , Mac thought to himself, resisting the urge to say it out loud as well. _If we can even call it that. Oh well, I guess just being this close to her is worth it_.

They descended the ladder and into the underground bunker. It was barely big enough for the two of them to stand upright- basically a hole in the ground with a mattress and some basic provisions, like purified water and some food, to last a person a few weeks at most. But, in some strange way, it felt as though she had finally opened a small piece of herself- maybe letting him into her sanctuary was a way of showing that she did care, and the mere thought of that was so beautiful that it made him want to cry.

"By the way," he said as he tossed his jacket aside and flopped back onto the mattress. "You were right, boss. My name's not MacCready."

"No shit, Sherlock," Von replied, in a stage-whisper, as she sat beside him, removing her armour but leaving her vault suit and her wedding ring on. "Anyone with a brain cell could have told me that, just like everyone here knows that my name's not Von. Now that the cat's out of the bag, I don't suppose it really matters what you call me. But you can call me Olivia, if you really want to."

At this, Mac's blue eyes welled with tears. If she was telling the truth, then only her parents and N- that guy she was married to, before the war- had ever called her by her name, and the fact that she'd invited him into that small inner circle spoke volumes. Even if she wouldn't say it outright, what she didn't say still held more weight than just those three words.

"Wow," was all he could manage, squeezing his eyes shut to stem the flow of tears that threatened to overwhelm him. "I'm honoured, boss. And I might just do that, though it'll be strange not calling you Von. But yeah, you can call me by my real name, too. Before she died, L- er, my wife, used to call me RJ- for Robert Joseph, the name I was born with. And I was always Rob or Bobby to friends, back in the day. You can use any one of them, or make up your own- the Gunners weren't much for names, but I could get used to it again. For you."

"Well, you're not with the Gunners anymore. You're safe now, and anyone who tries to harm you will answer to me."

Her green eyes flickered earnestly as she covered his hand with hers and leaned against his shoulder. "Forgive me," she went on, her fingers brushing over his. "I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea, but... I didn't bring you here to... you know. I just... needed to be close to you again."

He could feel the warmth of her skin through her vault suit, and he wanted nothing more than to change her mind, kiss her into submission. But he knew that he shouldn't, at least not yet. "It's all right," he replied, pulling her as close as was humanly possible. "For now, we'll go slow- one day at a time. And this'll be our spot, our little piece of heaven in the he- er, fiery place this world's become. You're the only thing good left in this world, and I'll be damned if anything tries to change that."

While he certainly didn't have Von's gift of gab, his words seemed to relax her for the time being. And so she let him fold her into his embrace, his arms her wall in the storm and a human shield against everything the coming days would bring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song i chose for this chapter is a gorgeous folk tune that sums up precisely where the relationship between von and mac is headed (seriously, listen to the whole thing).
> 
> go figure i'd get sick the only week i don't have some massive assignment due; sorry this took so long, but i hope it was worth it.
> 
> thanks to everyone who's read, commented, and/or left kudos on this little story. it means a lot to me~ love you all xx


	11. Dangerous Minds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fort Hagen, part one, plus some fluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _let me be the one to numb you out;_   
>  _let me be the one to hold you-_   
>  _never gonna let you get away._
> 
> _the shoulder you cry on,_   
>  _the dose that you die on._
> 
> -three days grace, _painkiller_

As usual, Von awoke first. Even if she couldn't see the sun from her position underground, her internal clock told her that it hadn't risen yet and that everyone else on the settlement was still asleep- perfect for keeping things secret, just as she preferred it.

She rolled over and turned over to face Mac, who snoozed away peacefully beside her. After making sure that he was still asleep, she leaned over and kissed his cheek, tenderly running her fingers along the curve of his jawline. His breathing was slow and gentle, and she could feel his heartbeat through her vault suit as it echoed between them like the last chords of a favourite song. Intense affection swelled inside her- she hadn't felt anything like it since before the war, and it almost brought her to tears. But it was in those moments that she found herself plagued by guilt, tormented by ghosts of her past that simply didn't know how to die. 

_Surely, Nate would have wanted me to be happy. I mean, he loved me- it doesn't make sense that he'd want me to be alone forever._

Indeed, the shame was overwhelming. For every step she tried to take forward, there were a thousand boulders in the wings, waiting to knock her back into the agony she'd been in upon waking from her cryogenic stasis. But she knew that Mac didn't see it that way- he probably thought that she was holding out on purpose, if the way he acted every time she mentioned Nate was any indication. She wasn't fooled by his attempts to hide it, either; subtlety was not one of his strengths, and it was painfully obvious that he didn't like hearing her husband's name... Very strange behaviour, from someone who knew her suffering.

Planting a final kiss on his forehead, she slipped out of his arms and back into her armour before returning to the surface. It was still dark out, and she knew that Cait wouldn't be awake for another couple of hours yet- no one would be any the wiser that she'd been gone all night. So she crept back up the hill and into her bed, pretending to be asleep until the sun finally rose.

-

By the time Mac opened his eyes, Von was gone and he was all alone in the root cellar. He would have given anything to wake up beside her, just once, as he had on that rainy night in the Commonwealth. It seemed so long ago since he'd had the chance to enjoy her company, uninterrupted- there were always things to do around here, and she was often gone for days at a time; he missed the way things had been before their arrival at Sanctuary, when it was just the two of them against the world.

The sun was in the sky when he finally made his way back to the surface, and the other settlers had already started their morning chores. It was a nice enough day out, perfect for travelling- at least the trip to Fort Hagen would be smooth sailing, barring a Raider attack. But part of him hoped for rain, and another night like the one he'd spent with Von in that tiny yellow sleeping bag; storms always made him think of her now. And, maybe if taking shelter was a necessity, rather than an option, she would forget to keep them a secret... But that was wishful thinking, on his part.

He found Von near the radio beacon, arriving just as she started her announcement. "Everyone," she began, stepping onto a nearby rock for leverage as she addressed the group. "I just wanted to thank you all for everything you've done, though there is more work to do yet. Piper, I need you to round up any help you can find- contact as many settlements or factions as you can, and find out how many people are willing and able to back us up, should it become necessary. While I'm away, Preston is in charge, and you are all to respect his orders as you would my own- dark times are ahead, and the only way we'll get through them is together."

As she said this, she made eye contact with Mac over the crowd, as though alluding to what the future held for them both. "Cait, Nick, and R- er, MacCready," she went on. "The three of you and Dogmeat are with me. We move in ten minutes, so take a moment to gather any supplies you might need for the road and meet me at the bridge. Dismissed."

-

About a day or two later, Von and her team reached Fort Hagen, thanks mostly to Dogmeat's astute sense of smell. Cait and Mac hadn't spoken a word to each other since the previous night- though he had apologized for his comments, she still hadn't forgiven him for calling her a drug-addled whore, and the pair refused to speak to each other unless Von expressly ordered them to do so... Something it seemed she was determined to do.

"This is it," she said, as they reached the front of the building. "I think Dogmeat has earned a break. Nick and I'll hit the armory up top, and you two can head in through the underground parking lot. We don't know what we're walking into, but please try to focus your fire on whatever's inside, rather than each other."

Mac nodded, but Cait glared at him. "No promises," she hissed, pulling her shotgun from its holster. "Look, Creads... Von's me best friend and I'll do anything she asks- even if it means keepin' yer sorry arse alive. Just know it's fer her sake, not yers."

"You being her best friend is the only reason I haven't already pumped you full of lead. So count your lucky stars that you're on our side."

"C'mon," Nick chimed in, waving his hand impatiently. "If you two're done arguing, we've got work to do."

He glanced at Von, who nodded her assent. "Good luck," she added, leaning over to give Cait a hug and a kiss on the cheek. "Not that you need it, of course. If there's anyone I trust to have my back, it's everyone here."

As she said it, she shot a meaningful glance in Mac's direction, and it seemed that she hesitated for a moment before speaking again. "Look after Cait for me," she whispered as she folded him into the same, fiercely protective embrace she'd given her best friend only moments before. "Yes, she's a strong woman, but I love her like a sister. And you... I trust you already know how much I- uh, never mind. That's why I'm counting on you- on both of you- to keep each other safe."

 _I'd rather be protecting you_ , Mac thought to himself as he returned the gesture. _I never signed on to save the world, boss... But you are my world._

Indeed, he'd never forgive himself if anything happened to Von. She and Duncan were all he had left and, without them, life would be meaningless. But Duncan was getting sicker- the last time they'd seen each other, the little guy had been so weak that he could barely walk, and no one was sure how much longer he had. Mac had heard of a cure for whatever it was, but it was locked away in the deepest recesses of the old Med-Tek research facility and he'd need help to get in and out of there alive. Von was the only person he trusted with such a delicate task, but she was preoccupied with rescuing her own son from the Institute- it would be selfish, he thought, to have her risk Shaun's life so that he could save Duncan's. She'd been through enough already, and it would certainly guarantee that she'd never speak to him again.

Pleasantries exchanged, Von and Nick headed for the roof, leaving Mac and Cait to make their way to the underground parking garage. With but a nod, they kicked the doors open and entered the massive fortress- hopefully, their loud entrance would create a distraction, give the others cover enough to slip in undetected. Sure enough, they heard footsteps, and they watched from the shadows as a handful of robot-looking people traipsed by with their laser pistols cocked.

"Whoever you are, we know you're there."

Cait held a finger to her lips, and the pair waited for a moment before opening fire. It was as loud and obnoxious an entrance as they could have hoped for, as every synth in the place came running toward them, and they dashed into the fray, guns blazing. Metal arms, legs, and heads flew everywhere, adding projectiles to the list of things to dodge- an errant head nearly hit Cait in the face as she dodged an incoming laser, but Mac pushed her out of the way and took both hits himself.

_They have to run out of ammo at some point... Don't they?_

At last, thankfully, the synths lay in a heap of smouldering scrap, and Mac dusted off his coat before kicking at one of the lifeless synths. "Sorry, Doc," he remarked casually, applying a stimpak to the laser burns on his shoulder. "Don't think this one's gonna make it."

Surprisingly, Cait laughed in response. "Oh yeah," she agreed, returning her shotgun to its holster. "We kicked 'em in'er shiny, metal arses. Doesn' mean I forgive ye, but thanks fer havin' me back." 

Their mission accomplished, the two shared a last, knowing glance as they headed deeper into the tunnels. Neither knew what lay ahead, only that they hoped Von and Nick had made it in safely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “we all have our pasts. we all have our pain. we will all know ghosts from time to time. but, if our life is like a building, then we should open our doors to let some people see inside- into our darkest places, into those rooms that hold our fears and dreams, we will begin to go together." -jamie tworkowski
> 
> got 2 midterms, an essay due, and a cold that's kicking my ass this week (hence why the ending's a bit rushed). oh well, wish me luck lol.


	12. Combat Ready

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fort Hagen part two, with some serious feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _the price of what you've done_   
>  _to make me feel so numb_   
>  _is to pay it all back with your life._
> 
> _now, my aim is clear-_  
>  _your payback time is near;_  
>  _run to wilderness, i'll find you._
> 
> -amberian dawn, _curse_

Upon hearing the crash from down below, Von took the noise as a sign. Despite her concern for both Mac and Cait, something told her that her companions were alive and well, and so she signaled Nick to follow her as she propped the hangar open and landed swiftly on the ground below.

_Soft as night, silent as shadow._

As they crept through the tunnels, though, her mind began to wander. Suddenly, she was back in the root cellar at Sanctuary Hills, Mac’s arms wrapped tightly around her waist as she drifted in and out of consciousness. Part of her wished that she had stayed, instead of leaving him to wake up alone in the cold- a too-familiar memory of her own past. And, had guilt not convinced her that she was spitting on Nate’s grave by allowing herself some small shred of happiness, she probably would have.

“Uh, Von?”

Nick’s voice jolted her out of her trancelike state, and she jumped about a foot in the air. “There you are,” he declared with a chuckle. “I thought I might’ve lost you, since you didn’t answer the first few times I called your name. Got something on your mind?”

In response, she shook her head _no_ , though a sense of dread coursed through her veins as they continued on their way. Though Nick didn’t know it, his words had only confirmed that her involvement with Mac was dangerous; she’d been so caught up in her own thoughts that she’d let herself be consumed by them. She’d inadvertently put her friends’ lives in danger because of it. And, with Shaun so close, there was no margin for error.

Still, her gesture seemed to satisfy Nick for the time being. Patting her rifle tenderly, she motioned for him to follow and they continued deeper into the tunnels, in search of her son. Or this _institute_ , any tangible sign that this mission wasn’t in vain.

“Well, if it isn’t my old friend, the frozen TV dinner.”

Upon hearing the voice, Von stopped dead in her tracks and a chill raced up her spine. It wasn’t Nick’s voice, but Kellogg’s, taunting her from afar, and she was instantly overcome by terror. Nick seemed to sense her fear, as he immediately moved to her side and pulled out his .44 pistol, as if prepared to fire at a moment’s notice. But, while she appreciated the gesture, it did little to calm her nerves.

“Sorry,” the voice- Kellogg’s voice- continued. “So sorry that your house has been a wreck for two hundred years. But I don’t need a roommate. Leave.”

 _Like hell I will,_ Von thought to herself as she gripped her rifle even tighter. _I’m not going anywhere until Shaun is safe with me. I’ll get our son back, or I’ll die trying._

The voice kept talking, insisting that she leave or give up. But Von was no longer listening, and she strode through the tunnels with a newfound determination. She’d give this Kellogg exactly what he deserved, and then some- this was likely the only chance she’d ever have to avenge Nate, and Shaun, and she needed to take it.

She reached a small room and, as she steeled herself for the upcoming confrontation, Kellogg spoke again. “Okay, okay,” he said, with a sigh. “You made it. I’m just up ahead, and my synths are standing down. So let’s talk.”

Von hesitated for a moment, aware of the possibility that she may have been walking into a trap. But, when she kicked the door in, she was surprised to see that the man had stayed true to his word. An army of synths surrounded him, pistols poised to fire at any given time, though none fired a shot in her direction as she and Nick approached.

“And there she is,” Kellogg remarked, without emotion. “The most resilient woman in the Commonwealth. You came a long way, so let’s hear-“

“Fuck you,” Von interrupted, a swell of fury blazing through her veins as her entire body shook with rage. “You murdering, kidnapping psychopath! Give me my son! Give me Shaun… NOW!”

Her brazenness seemed to catch him off-guard, and he stepped backward, as if to shield himself from a deathclaw attack. “Right to it then,” he replied coolly. “Okay, fine. Your son, Shaun… Great kid. A little older than you may have expected, though I’m guessing you figured that out already. But, if you’re hoping for a happy reunion, ain’t gonna happen. He’s not here. He’s at home, with the Institute.”

“I don’t care,” she spat, as though the words tasted bad. “Here, there… I’ll find him, no matter where he is.”

“That’s the spirit,” Kellogg laughed coldly, and Von had to restrain herself from choking him to death right then and there. “I have to admit, I admire your dedication to motherhood, even if it is useless. But we’ve talked long enough, and we both know how this has to end. So, are you ready?”

“Hell yeah,” she responded, through gritted teeth, as rage simmered through her veins. “Question is… are you?”

-

While Von and Nick exchanged words with Kellogg, Mac and Cait waited patiently behind a nearby door for their opportunity to strike. Though they didn’t much care for each other’s company, their shared love for Von was enough to keep up a united front for the time being. 

Upon hearing the familiar sound of gunfire, Mac bolted for the door; but Cait quickly grabbed him by the collar and held him back. She was surprisingly strong, and her iron grip only tightened when he tried to escape. “Listen ‘ere, Creads,” she hissed, in a stage whisper. “Y’know I trust ye ‘bout as far’ I can throw ye. But I promised Von I’d keep ye alive, n’ I plan t’honour me word. So ye’d best not even think ‘bout goin’ in there alone.”

“What are you waiting for, then? Let’s go!”

Cait nodded, and they dashed into the fray, joining Nick in killing as many of the synths as they could while Von focused her fire on Kellogg. Synth components flew everywhere, and it wasn’t long before Kellogg lay on the ground, gasping for breath.

“C’mon,” he pleaded, raising his hands in surrender. “Forget everything I said, lady. I’ll take you to your son. I promise!”

For a moment, Von hesitated. But, as badly as she wanted to be reunited with her son, she had a feeling that it was a trap- that he was just manipulating her for his own benefit, and that he had no intention of leading her to Shaun, now or ever. If she backed down now, he’d surely kill all of them where they stood, and she wasn’t willing to risk her life- or her friends’ lives- on a hunch.

“Fuck you,” she repeated as she kicked him in the ribs, her voice as cold as the concrete floor he now lay on. “I’ll find him myself. And, when I finally die, I only hope I go to hell so I can kill you all over again, you piece of shit.”

With that, she abandoned her composure and emptied her rifle into Kellogg’s skull until only a bloody pulp remained, then kept right on firing as she let out a heartbroken scream that echoed through the room. She was still firing when Mac grabbed her by the arm and knocked the gun from her hands, folding her into a protective embrace as she collapsed against his chest, sobbing.

“No,” she whimpered, her voice raw with anguish. “I…I’ve failed. My son is…”

“Still out there,” Mac finished for her, stroking her hair as he shielded her gaze from Kellogg’s still-smoking corpse. “We’ll get Shaun back, Olivia. I promise you that much.”

“Me too,” Cait agreed, from her position nearest the door, as she nodded in their direction. “We’re all in this together, even if it means watchin’ this arsehole’s back for the rest of me life. Now, let’s get outta here- this place stinks.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first the flu, then midterms, now keeping my grades up for finals...  
> this will likely be the last update before winter break, so i hope y'all enjoy. :)
> 
> much love,  
> -esp xx


	13. It's All Over But the Crying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The events of the battle at Fort Hagen have taken their toll on poor Von, and she disappears from Sanctuary without a trace, Of course, Mac's jealousy resurfaces when he figures out where she is (though he doesn't stay mad, because reasons).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _i always shoot first, never ask questions-_   
>  _never think of consequences;_   
>  _i didn't feel a thing. i didn't feel a thing._
> 
> _i never think twice, no intentions-_   
>  _never feel the consequences_   
>  _until it starts to sting, until it starts to sting._
> 
> -three days grace, _nothing's fair in love and war_

At Cait's suggestion, the group left Fort Hagen for Sanctuary, and Mac had never been so relieved to see the outdoors. He didn't know how long they'd been in there, but it felt like an eternity since he'd set foot outside and was grateful to see the sun again, for a change.

Indeed, it was warm and sunny out, though a black cloud of gloom seemed to hang over them as they travelled through the Commonwealth. Mac and Cait tried to keep the mood light, trading jokes and smartass remarks, in hopes that their witty banter would elicit a smile or a laugh from Von. But she had retreated into herself, like a mirelurk under heavy fire might into its shell, and was clearly on a different plane of reality altogether. And, when they finally arrived at their home base to an anxious group of settlers wanting to know how things had gone, she vanished without so much as a word- probably to the root cellar, Mac figured, since only the two of them knew that it existed. He'd seen the other settlers looking for her, and he knew her pain well enough that he didn't entirely blame her for needing space.

For a few days, he left her alone, reasoning that she'd come out when she was good and ready. But several days passed with no sign of her- surely, she'd have come up for food or water by now, having run out of provisions down there some time ago; maybe he should bring her something to eat. Of course, it was quite possible that she didn't want his attention and his presence would just make her angry. But, if he didn't at least take the chance, she might die of thirst or starvation, in which case it would be worth it to incur her wrath for a few days. So, when no one was looking, he snuck away from the group, leaving Cait and Nick to field questions from the others as he went to look for Von.

His first stop was the root cellar, and he heaved open the gate with a strength he didn't know he had. "Boss?" he called, hearing the concern in his own echo as it reverberated in the dark. "Von? Olivia? Are you in here?"

But she wasn't there. Clearly, the woman knew how to make herself scarce when she didn't want to be found, though he had no idea how she did it- there weren't enough Stealth Boys in the Comonwealth for that, but he hadn't seen her since they'd returned. And what about the other settlers? How had she evaded every, last one of them, completely unnoticed? He turned on the light for a better look, but his only company was a dusty old radio that sat in the corner.

_The radio._

Suddenly, he remembered his first night in Goodneighbor. He'd been down on his luck- broke, still reeling from Lucy's death, drunk (on Hancock's tab, no doubt), and craving a cigarette. But his lighter was out of juice, and so he'd asked the pretty dark-haired girl beside him- Magnolia, resident artist and flower of the Third Rail- for a light. Fortunately, she'd been more than happy to oblige.

_"Ah," she remarked, passing him the lighter. "It's your hands- they move, even when you aren't thinking. Quick on the draw?"_

_"Kinda. Well, maybe. I guess... I just..."_

_"Don't worry, sweetheart," she responded as she smoothed her silky black hair. "It's okay if you don't wanna remember. We're all here to forget something, after all, and I think I've got just the thing to help you do it."_

_She returned to the stage and, when she opened her mouth, he'd been surprised by what he heard. Not only was she a talented musician, but the song sounded as though she'd written it just for him, and she'd performed as though his life depended on it. He found himself tearing up when it ended and, when he'd asked for her inspiration, she hinted at a tragic past of her own._

_"You really wanna know?" she'd teased, her pretty laugh like a dinner bell at one of those pre-war banquets he'd heard so much about. "It's all in the songs. Everything that I am."_

Suddenly, he became aware of the music playing softly in the corner, which seemed to shake him from his trancelike state. He thought about what Magnolia had told him that day, and it gave him an idea.

_All in the songs. The radio..._

For a few moments, he listened intently to to the song, trying to find meaning in its lyrics that would give him a clue as to Von's whereabouts. The volume knob was broken, wear and tear having wreaked havoc on the ancient technology, and the static made it hard to hear, but he could vaguely make out a few words here and there.

_Why do the birds go on singing?_  
_Why do the stars glow above?_  
_Don't they know it's the end of the world?_  
_It ended when I lost your love._

Mac repeated each line to himself as he heard it, looking for something- anything that would tell him where she was. Then it dawned on him.

_The vault. She's in the vault._

Furious, he pulled out his pistol and shot a hole in the radio before exiting the cellar and making a beeline for Vault 111. Von had chosen her dead husband over him yet again, and he was starting to regret his decision to tell her how he felt. Perhaps they both would have been better off if he'd just kept his damn mouth shut.

 _Goddamnit, Olivia,_ he thought not bothering to censor the errant curse as he threw a sidelong glance at her house. _I wish I hated you right now. It would definitely make things easier._

He reached the vault and, after waiting impatiently for the elevator to make its way to the surface, leapt onto the platform to begin his descent into the chamber. It was just as cold, and creepy as it had been the only other time he'd visited- ironically, in search of Von- and the noises he heard led him to question its structural integrity. Still, he continued on until he arrived at the awning that would lead him to his intended destination.

Sure enough, he peered around a corner and saw Von sitting in front of a cryopod near the back of the chamber. She looked pale and thin, clearly not having eaten in several days, and she was talking aloud, as though her late husband could hear her.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, her voice quivering audibly as she touched his cold, dead hand. "I thought I'd gotten Shaun back. It seemed as good as done, but I failed. I'm sorry, Nate, and I won't let you down again. I promise."

Her voice broke as she held his hand against her cheek, and Mac choked back a sob as he watched her- the woman he loved, now a shadow of herself- from the distance he kept between them. Even from his position, he could see that her eyes and hair had lost their usual shine; sheets of icy tears remained frozen on her cheeks, and he would have given anything to make them melt away. For a moment, he felt guilty for being angry with her, until he remembered why.

Without thinking, he located a nearby coffee cup on the ground and gave it a hard kick. It skittered across the floor and, almost instantly, Von's rifle was pointed at his face; upon recognizing him, she dropped her gun, but said nothing as she turned around to face the cryopods once more. This was the final straw for Mac, who grabbed her by the arm and headed back toward the exit; she resisted, though he easily overpowered her in her weakened state.

"That's it," he shouted, as soon as the pods were out of sight. "We're leaving. And we need to talk, now!"

In response, Von gazed tiredly up at him. "Not now, MacCready," she sighed, avoiding his gaze as she attempted to steady herself against a nearby wall. "I ... I just... I need to be alone right now."

"Alone? You've been alone for how many days, and you _still_ don't want to... Never mind. I don't know what the hell's gotten into you lately, but everything you've been doing- every decision you've made goes against everything you stood for- everything _we_ were. I'm not trying to run your life, but why did you agree to any of this- to _us_ \- if you didn't want to?"

When she didn't answer, something in him snapped. "It's him, isn't it?" he continued, simmering with rage as the pain in his chest threatened to knock him over. "I know it's him, Olivia. And it's killing me, because all I've ever wanted was to love you- for you to love me back. And you won't even give me that much because you're waiting for _him_ to come back, when we both know he won't. It's like you wish I wasn't around! Is that what you want?"

"Wait," she croaked feebly. "You mean this is about Na-"

"I don't want to hear his name, Olivia. Not now, and not ever. So I'm only gonna ask you one more time: is that what you want?"

For a moment, Mac saw fire return to her eyes before they dimmed and grew dark once more. "No," she whispered meekly, her voice breaking on the word as she let go of the wall and sank to the floor. "I want you to stay. Please."

"Then stop acting like you don't."

She said nothing, but nodded her head in understanding as she tried to steady herself, and she didn't protest when he picked her up off the ground. His arms ached, but he carried her out of the vault and all the way back to her little house in Sanctuary, where he set her down on the bed before covering her with a nearby sleeping bag. Even in her deteriorated state, she was beautiful; he thought back to their encounter with Kellogg, his voice when he'd mockingly admired Von and her resilience. He could never think of her that way- not in such cold, emotionless terms. She was all he had in this godforsaken world, a rose in this trash heap, and he wanted her- all of her. But he would never have it, as long as she belonged to N- that other guy, who would always have a piece of Von's heart: the piece she would not, and could not, give him. Maybe that's why the sound of his name drove him over the edge.

 _You're something else, Olivia,_ he thought to himself as he inserted a stimpak into the soft curve of her belly. _This world hasn't ruined you, like it has the rest of us, and I wish I had your courage._

Seemingly in response, Von let out a peaceful sigh, and Mac took that as his cue to exit. But, before returning to his cabin, he turned around to glance at her over his shoulder. Her eyes were closed now, but he hoped that he would see the fire when she opened them once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i lied about the previous chapter being my last update before winter break.  
> but i do not want to write this essay, so it is what it is lol.
> 
> (ending inspired by this gorgeous pic, since the ss looks a bit like von; thank you, lovely artist, for giving me feels!)  
> http://maxxdick.deviantart.com/art/Comm-Yoshimi-and-MacCready-580987159
> 
> thanks for reading,  
> -esp xx


	14. He's a Demon, He's a Devil, He's a Doll

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Von is herself again, though Mac's attempt to make her choose between him and Nate has left a strange taste in her mouth and she begins to withdraw from their "relationship" (non-fluff fluff ahead lol).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _formed in pain, spirits gone,_   
>  _like armies slain, yet marching on._   
>  _legions grow, faces change,_   
>  _yet, after all the chaos, darkness still remains;_   
>  _she's never the same._
> 
> -project aegis, _angel in the ashes_

Von's recovery was slow and excruciating, and she spent several days under close supervision upon regaining consciousness. She was pale and emaciated, having starved herself half to death in the vault, and slept nearly eighteen hours a day. Only Mac knew about her time underground and, based on her weakened physical and mental states, Curie feared that she had suffered some sort of radiation poisoning; Preston, on the other hand, figured that his General simply needed rest and assumed control of the settlement while she recuperated.

When she woke that particular day, Cait was standing over her with a stimpak, a can of purified water, and some razorgrain bread on a tray. "Good t'see yer awake," she said, setting the tray on a nearby nightstand. "Now that yer up, looks like Creads and Preston both owe me a drink. How're ye feelin'?"

In response, Von smiled as much as she could manage. "Well, fuck you guys," she laughed weakly, wincing in pain as she pulled herself into an upright position. "Go figure you'd all be betting on me. But I suppose I feel somewhat human again, though even that's up for debate. And, since the settlement isn't a smouldering ash heap, I'll take that to mean that you guys have managed not to kill each other or draw the entire Commonwealth's ire in my absence."

She picked up the razorgrain bread and nibbled at it, listening intently as Cait filled her in on the week's events. A Brotherhood of Steel vertibird had crashed near the Red Rocket truckstop- miraculously, all of its occupants had survived, and Curie had treated them for their injuries before sending them on their way. A few days later, Mayor Hancock of Goodneighbor had stopped in to pay them a visit; during his stay, ghouls attacked, and he had helped the settlers chase them off with fire before they all hit the Jet. While she wasn't into chems, Von was slightly disappointed that she'd missed Hancock's visit- he had been so generous during the brief time she'd spent in Goodneighbor, and she had hoped to eventually repay his kindness when he made his way to Sanctuary Hills.

When she told her best friend this, though, Cait just chuckled as she nodded her understanding. "S'alright," she said, smiling as she relived the memory. "I'm sure 'e understood ye were in no condition te play hostess. I just told 'im ye weren't well, an' 'e made me promise ye'd come drink with 'im when yer up an' around again. Speakin' of, I should let ye rest a bit. But I'll be back te check on ye, once ye've 'ad some time t'yerself."

No sooner had Cait left the room, Curie bustled in with still more supplies. "Good evening," she chirped, in her cheerful French accent. "My data banks tell me that you are deficient in several essential nutrients; therefore, I have brought you some food. But first, Monsieur MacCready is 'ere to see you. Shall I send 'im in?"

At the mention of his name, Von's heart dropped into the pit of her stomach. She may have been weak and starving, but she remembered their conversation in the vault perfectly well; the fact that he was jealous of Nate bothered her, but his attempt to make her choose between them was even more disconcerting. To her, there wasn't a choice to be made; hell, Nate was dead, and that should have been the end of it. But it seemed that Mac felt somehow threatened by her husband's memory and acted like a child every time she mentioned his name.

Indeed, she was trying her best to move forward. But he obviously didn't see it that way, and it wouldn't matter how many times she tried to explain herself- she shouldn't have _had_ to, especially when he already knew what it felt like to lose someone he loved. It didn't make sense that he would use her past against her like this, and it hurt that he had.

"No," she replied curtly, flopping back onto her pillow. "I'm tired now, Curie. Tell him that I'm sleeping and won't be seeing any more visitors today."

Of course, she wanted to see him. In spite of everything, she wanted nothing more than for the two of them to be as close as they had been, leading up to the incident in the vault. But she needed to make it clear that she wouldn't tolerate any more of this; she felt guilty enough already, without his help.

"As you wish, Madame General."

Satisfied, Von lay back down and thumbed through an old issue of Grognak that Cait had left her while Curie headed off to deal with Mac. She was determined to prove her point, and he would just have to deal with it until she was good and ready.

-

When Curie returned, Mac had hoped that she would be able to give him some good news about Von. He'd been dying to know how she was doing and, after pestering Cait for what little information she would give him, he had finally come to visit her himself. But the Miss Nanny simply glanced at him and shook her head.

"Ze General is very tired," she told him, gesturing with one of her robotic arms. "She has asked that you all keep your distance until further notice, and I am programmed to do whatever she asks. But come back in ze morning, and per'aps she will see you then."

Of course, he knew exactly why Von hadn't allowed him to see her. She was probably still annoyed with him, for trying to make her choose between him and N- that other guy she'd been married to, once upon a time. If she really cared about him, there wouldn't have been a choice to make- she knew what he'd already been through with Lucy, and leading him on like this was just cruel. Obviously, they weren't on the same page, and it hurt that she had lied to him about her feelings. If she wanted her dead husband back so badly, then she could have him.

_For the past four years, I never wanted anyone. And now the one person I do want to be with is hung up on some old dead dude. Just my luck, I guess._

He cared about Von, loved her in ways he thought he'd never be able to love another person again, after he'd lost Lucy. He'd given her so much of himself that she may as well have shot him in the heart every time she mourned her past and, whenever she reminisced about her life before the war, it was as though she secretly wished they'd never met. Even if she hadn't intended it as such, what other meaning was left?

_if she loved me, she would have said so by now._

That little voice once again whispered terrible things into the back of his mind and, instinctively, he headed for the root cellar- their spot, where he felt closest to her. It seemed as though he could reach out and touch her, no matter how far away she was; she could be mad as hell, and his arms would still ache for hers... Perhaps he had been too hard on her. After all, she was going through some serious sh- emotional turmoil, and his job was to help heal her wounds, not tear them open all over again. Perhaps the morning would bring with it a new day, and a chance to return to the way things were...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this poor essay i'm supposed to be writing will never get done at this rate lol.


	15. We Are Unstoppable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Von makes a full recovery and starts hitting the chems as she resumes her search for Shaun with a feverish obsession. Her fragile, complicated bond with Mac is on shaky ground, but they set their differences aside long enough to break into Med-Tek, in hopes of finding a cure for Duncan's mysterious illness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _only yourself you'll find in me-_   
>  _empty inside, i am really._   
>  _nothing i give, for nothing i own;_   
>  _your queen is wearing a fake crown._
> 
> _from this dream you will awake,_   
>  _to see loving me is a mistake._
> 
> -evolvent, _well of lies_

As soon as she was back on her feet, Von focused all of her efforts on finding her son. She spent most of her time alone, either researching the Institute or using her background in programming to break into long-abandoned terminals, only surfacing for food and water. She hadn't cracked any codes since college, but was confident that, within them, she'd find something that would lead her to Shaun. 

He was out there- she could, as Mama Murphy would say, sense his energy enough to know that he was still alive... or maybe that was just the cocktail of Calmex and Daddy-O she'd been using to stay awake while she pondered late into the night. It had started as curiosity, though it had quickly spun out of control and she was now taking them several times a day. The others, especially Cait, would kill her if they ever found out. But she'd convinced herself that she was doing it for the right reasons; she'd stop as soon as she found her son, but not before then.

Indeed, she'd never seen the appeal of filling her body with that poison. But it kept her mind sharp, her body strong, and her eyes on the prize: she'd stumbled upon some choice tidbits of information about the Institute's relay system and needed to build something called a _signal interceptor_ , though her technical expertise began and ended at her programming degree from C.I.T. Sure, she could always ask Preston and the Minutemen for help- Sturges was good with tools and all that mechanical stuff- but this was something she needed to do alone. And so she continued on, her manic fervour mounting with each new discovery that would ultimately bring her closer to this Institute... and to Shaun.

 _Mommy's coming, sweetheart,_ she thought to herself, as a wave of golden warmth enveloped her- probably the chems, but perhaps a mix of them and anticipation. _I'll bring you home, or I'll die trying._

Suddenly, the cellar doors creaked open. She'd been so engrossed in her work that she hadn't even noticed Mac's entrance, and he stood before her now, rain dripping from his coattails onto the floor along with... was that blood?

Sure enough, the sleeve of his coat was ripped practically to shreds and the skin underneath it was almost definitely infected. Blood dripped steadily from what looked like defensive wounds- in her chem-addled brain, Von surmised that he'd been bitten by a mole rat, or maybe a stingwing... something extremely poisonous, radioactive, or both. Yes, she was still annoyed that he'd tried to make her choose between him and Nate, but those feelings quickly dissipated as she rushed to his side. Neither of them said a word, but there was an understanding in the silence that echoed through the small room.

"It looks bad," Von finally said, using her teeth to remove the cork from a bottle of vodka as she pulled out her med kit. "Whoever- or whatever- did this wasn't looking to simply leave a mark. What happened?"

"Ferals," came Mac's response, through gritted teeth. "I heard about a cure for... I never told you, but... I have a son too, and he's very sick. His body's covered in blue boils, and no one knows how much time he's got left. So, when I heard about a possible cure at Med-Tek Research, I thought I'd try and get it. But those ghouls chewed me up and spat me back out like a bad can of Cram."

In response, Von shook her head. "That was dumb," she remarked, rummaging through her kit for supplies. "I'll give you an A for effort, MacCready. But why didn't you ask me for help, instead of running in there like an idiot and nearly getting yourself killed? You're no good to him dead, you know."

"But what about you and Shaun? What about-"

"Not now," she replied, cutting him off midsentence as she finally produced a stimpak and some Radaway from her kit. "I can take care of myself and, if this Institute has their claws in him, chances are it's too late for Shaun. But we can help your boy, once we've fixed this up. At least we know he's alive." 

She gestured to his badly-mangled arm, then to the edge of the bed. "Come," she insisted. "You'll want to sit down for this, since I can't promise that it won't hurt. Now, hold still..."

Mac did as he was told, and Von poured the bottle of vodka over the wound to disinfect it before applying some Radaway. "Fuck," he hissed through gritted teeth, forgetting to censor himself as he squeezed his eyes shut. "Oh man, it burns! If this is your idea of revenge, then fine. Just get it over-"

"It wouldn't hurt as much if you'd shut up and stop moving. Now, do you want my help or not?"

He nodded, then gasped in pain as the infected area pulsated with a slow, dull ache that made him want to throw up. He reached for Von's hand and, surprisingly, she didn't pull away as she briefly held a finger to his lips. "Tell me about him," she went on, her voice softer now. "Your son. What's his name?"

"Duncan."

She was clearly trying to distract him, but she didn't need to speak: he was transfixed by her green eyes, which once again sparkled with their otherwordly glow. "Duncan," she repeated, producing a stimpak from her kit and pressing its tip into his still-inflamed skin. "A strong name, indeed. How old is he?"

"Four and a half. He was only a couple of weeks old when L- when his mother died, and I left him with a friend in the Capital Wasteland when I came here to look for work. Couldn't bring him with me, though. Poor little guy can hardly walk and, last time I saw him, he was covered in those horrible blue boils. I didn't know what to do, until I joined the Gunners and I overheard one of them- guy's name was Sinclair, I think- talking about how his partner had come down with a similar illness and that he was going to Med-Tek to find a cure. His buddy died before they got to it, but he did give me the password."

Von nodded thoughtfully as she dumped a second bottle of vodka over a dishrag and covered his infected arm with it before sealing it with duct tape. "I see," she murmured, her eyes seeming to glaze over as she stuffed the supplies she'd dumped on the ground back into her kit. "But how do you know they weren't just putting you on? Do you trust this Sinclair guy?"

"Don't think I have a choice, boss. It's the only lead I have. And besides, he brought it up- it wouldn't make sense for him to lie about it."

"Very well," she conceded, standing up to return the kit into her pack at last. "If you trust him, that's good enough for me. But what about security? I can probably break into most of the terminals, since I studied programming before the war. I once hacked into my professor's computer during class, and he promised me an A, on the condition that I not do it again... Of course, I had no intention of keeping my word... I just got better at hiding it. So I should be able to get us through. Just watch my back, and keep an eye out for any ferals."

"Done. Let's do this."

He tried to stand, but Von stepped in front of him and pushed him back down onto the mattress. "Not like that, you don't," she admonished. "With your arm in that state, you're about as useful as a Deathclaw without, well, its claws. Give it a day or two, and I'll keep an eye on you, make sure it doesn't get any worse. Then we'll go get that cure from Med-Tek and, once it's in our hands, nothing can stop us."

-

A few days later, Mac had sufficiently recovered- Von's homemade concoction had stemmed the infection's spread, and he soon regained use of his right arm. It still hurt, but he could hold a gun and walk without doubling over in pain, which suited their purpose just fine.

After conferring with Preston, the pair left for Med-Tek, with Von citing "official business" as her reason for the detour. From Sanctuary Hills, the old facility was nearly a four-day trek on foot, and they were nearly out of food by the time they arrived. But Von assured her companion that there would likely be more inside, and that they could regroup once they got past the ferals in the courtyard.

"Cover me," she whispered, from their perch atop the nearby parking garage. "I'll run for the door, to get their attention. You just stay here and take them out from behind."

"But-"

Before he could finish his sentence, she was already gone, running through the hordes of ferals like a hot knife through flesh. Eye to the scope, he tried to keep pace with her, but it was hard to do when he was shaking like a leaf in nuclear winter. He was still deathly afraid of ferals- sure, they didn't look like much, to someone like Von, but he'd seen what they'd done to Lucy. What if they got to Von, before she made it to the door, and ripped her apart too? What if his arm gave out and he accidentally hit her instead of the ghouls? What if...

Still trembling, he lined up his first shot and fired. He missed his target, but hit the wall and sent shards of brick spraying everywhere. The ghouls, who were too stupid to know what had just happened, looked up at the sound and were subsequently blinded by the chunks of stone that dropped from the air, giving Von a quick and easy finish from her position below. A couple of them made it up to the top of the garage, and he froze, unable to fire a shot- just as had been the case when Lucy was killed. He closed his eyes, preparing for the worst, but Von was up there before he could even call her name. She jumped in front of him and grabbed his shotgun, using it like a swatter to lob a grenade into the crowd, blowing every last ghoul sky-high.

"N...Not bad, boss. Not bad at all."

Satisfied, Von motioned for him to follow her through the sea of bodies to the building's entrance. Once they were safely inside, she quickly took stock of their supplies- only a day's worth of food remained, which she gathered meant that the chems had increased her appetite. She hadn't realized just how much she'd been eating, and she definitely needed to find more food for the trip back, so that she and Mac wouldn't starve to death. But first, they had to get the cure for Duncan.

She waited until Mac's back was to her before feeling around in her pack for the chem stash she'd brought along. He didn't need to know that she was taking them, since she had a feeling that he wouldn't approve of her latest habit, but she didn't want to take any just yet. She'd brought them instead for comfort, to try and calm the sick feeling in her stomach. If she was truly over what had happened, first at Fort Hagen and then in the vault, she wouldn't need the chems in the first place.

_Better to have them and not need them than the other way around._

By the time they made it to the executive suite, her hands were shaking so badly that she couldn't concentrate. So she waited until Mac's back was turned before injecting a syringe full of Calmex into the back of her neck; this chem definitely lived up to its name, as she stopped shaking and was able to breathe normally within just a few minutes. A warm, dizzy feeling enveloped her, and her eyes drooped slightly as she tried to concentrate on entering the password Mac had given her- she'd definitely be useless at cracking any codes now.

"Boss? Olivia, look at me... Are you okay?"

She tried to nod, but her head felt like a lead weight on a very small stick as it rocked back and forth. Yes, this idea of hers had been every bit as terrible as it had sounded in her mind, when her internal voice had warned her against this stuff. Sure, she was no longer shaking or pacing around like an agitated radstag, but she wouldn't be any good in a firefight like this.

When she didn't respond, Mac picked her up and carried her over to one of the nearby gurneys, deciding that he'd let her sleep off whatever it was that had come over her. Thinking quickly, he turned off the lights and locked the door, separating them from the rest of the lab- nothing was getting in or out of this room until Von was fit for combat again. The building was still swarming with ferals, and he'd need her help, if they were to get out of here alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all my essays/assignments are done for the term, so i'll have a little bit of time to write in between studying for finals.


	16. Still Standing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Med-Tek part 2, plus some fluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _i'm just barely alive-_   
>  _i don't know if I will survive._   
>  _yet another day, another way_   
>  _to fade and deteriorate._
> 
> _i've been losing my mind-_   
>  _i've been falling way behind;_   
>  _i'm a lost survivor walking through fire,_   
>  _but strength is giving away._
> 
> -sirenia, _dim days of dolor_

When Von finally came to, the room was dark, illuminated only by the hazy blue glow from the executive terminal. She was still a bit dizzy, and had lost all concept of time; the whole suite seemed to spin in circles, likely a side effect of the Calmex she'd injected. But she soon managed to regain her balance and slid off the gurney to her feet.

As her eyes adjusted to the lack of light, she could just barely make out Mac's form in the shadows. He was on the floor beside the gurney, eyes closed and head tilted back as he slept on, his face more peaceful than she had ever seen it awake. She wondered if he was dreaming; did he dream at all, or did he simply relive the horror of Lucy's death every night? She thought back to their first night together, so long ago, and how he had woken her with that awful scream- the one that had wrenched her heart from her chest, even though she had felt nothing for him then. Or had she? Indeed, it was true that her heart, like Nate's body, had remained in its frozen crypt, a thousand feet below the ground. But had there ever been a time that she and Mac had truly felt nothing for each other?

 _Get a grip, girl,_ she thought, rummaging through her pack for something to take the edge off. _You're not in college anymore, and you haven't got time for this nonsense._

After some consideration, she settled on a hit of Psycho. She'd need it, to face the ghouls, if they were ever to get out of here alive. But, as the warm, golden liquid slithered through her veins, she couldn't get Cait's face out of her head. Her best friend had been a slave to this stuff, and she'd have a fit if she knew that the woman who'd helped cure her addiction had been sucked into the same dark spiral of self-destruction. But, for now, the only thing that mattered was getting this cure- then, they could deliver it to Mac's boy, and all would be right with the world.

_Must find Shaun._

No sooner was the stuff in her bloodstream, she set about destroying all evidence of her involvement with it. But, before she could stuff the syringe into her pack, Mac's eyes flickered open and immediately scanned the room for her. "Hey, boss," he mumbled sleepily, stretching as he leaned forward to look at her. "Heck of a long nap, but I think we both needed it. Just gimme a minute to wake up, and we'll go hunt some ghou- er, what's that?"

"Nothing."

He gestured to the syringe in her hand, eyeing it suspiciously before softening his gaze. "Need a little pick-me-up, eh," he went on, taking the empty needle from her. "Trust me, I get it- after all, I wasn't dumb enough to run with the Gunners sober. Stuff's pretty dangerous, but it won't kill you if you only use it once in a while. Now, are you gonna share?"

"Wasn't planning on it. But I suppose it can't hurt, if you really want to."

Mac nodded, and Von passed him a needle. "Thanks," he replied, letting his fingers brush over hers as the syringe changed hands. "And no, I won't tell Cait, if that's what you're worried about. Just don't get addicted to this stuff, okay?"

Von felt her head moving back and forth in a motion that she figured meant _yes_ , though she couldn't really hear what he was saying over the fog in her brain. "I won't," she answered, allowing him to help her to her feet. "Now, how about we stick with the original plan and go kill some ghouls?"

-

A few minutes later, Von and Mac stood in the cold basement- the Psycho had given them a decisive edge, and they'd murdered everything that had crossed their paths. They were only steps away from victory, from finding Duncan's cure, and Mac felt his entire body shake with anticipation. He'd waited so long for this moment, and here he was, mere feet away from where the Prevent sat atop a desk. He didn't trust himself to touch it, for fear that he might drop it or discover that it was just a chem-induced hallucination. But Von seemed to sense his trepidation, and she calmly reached over to pick up the glass vial; she placed it carefully into his shaking hands, squeezing them gently as if for reassurance. 

"Here it is," she declared, pausing to mop her sweat-soaked brow at last. "Now, all we have to do is get this into Duncan's hands."

Of course, he didn't hear a word she was saying. He was fixated on the vial in his hand- it was small and fragile, just like his little boy... and the heart that thudded against his chest like a sledgehammer. Von still hadn't told him that she loved him. But if she had willingly risked her life to bring him here, dropped everything just to help him help Duncan, then she obviously did care. Lucy used to tell him that actions spoke louder than words- she must have been onto something, because this told him everything that hadn't yet been said aloud and confirmed that Piper had been right all along.

"We did it! Holy crap, we just gave Duncan a fighting chance to live!"

The words tumbled out of his mouth like wayward mole rats, all jostling each other for the best place in line. "I can't believe it," he continued, his voice quivering with both relief and excitement. "I don't know how I'll ever be able to pay you back for this, Olivia. I owe you, bigtime."

In response, she shook her head _no_. "Don't worry about it," she answered, fingering the wedding band that hung around her neck. "You don't owe me anything. All I care about is curing Duncan- it may be too late for my son, but I won't stand by and watch you lose yours too."

"I know you care, boss. I'm just getting so tired of taking, instead of giving. Maybe, one day, I'll learn to get my priorities straight."

For a moment, neither of them said a word. But Mac resisted the urge to fill the silence with questions. He knew exactly what Von had given up, in order to help him, and that he would have to repay her for it- no matter the cost to him. If she asked him to follow her into the deepest, darkest, feral-infested hell, he would be the first to kick the door open and embrace whatever lay on the other side with open arms.

His entire body trembled, and he let out a shaky sigh of relief as he felt the Psycho evaporate from his body at last. "I'll never forget this," he said finally. "And I'll make darn sure that Duncan doesn't either. Speaking of, the last thing we need to do is get this thing to Goodneighbor. Daisy has all the best connections, and she'll know what to do from here."

Von nodded at him, and he thought he saw the faintest hint of a smile cross her face before it disappeared into the shadows. "Well, then," she answered, gesturing to the exit. "Lead on, soldier."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end of this chapter kinda surprised me. but i thought that having von refer to mac as "soldier" was kind of a cute nod to his backstory.
> 
> i've been working on this for a couple of weeks now. it's been a bit crazy, what with finals, the holidays, and my upcoming move, but it's finally done... hoping to have at least one more chapter up before winter break ends, so fingers crossed!


	17. Baby, It's Just You.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Von returns with Mac to Goodneighbor, to get the cure to Duncan, and falls victim to the seductive charms of the Memory Den.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _you have the world, it's all for you;_   
>  _i wish you'd find the lost in you._   
>  _grateful for the pain, it proves we're alive:_   
>  _can you feel it?_
> 
> -nightwish, _yours is an empty hope_

The road to Goodneighbor was long, nearly another four days on foot. But, when they arrived, Von and Mac immediately headed to Daisy's shop, where the pre-war ghoul had busied herself with organizing the cans of Cram on the counter. 

"You again," she remarked, upon seeing Von's face. "You're the one who escaped the super mutants and was all buddy-buddy with Mayor Hancock, aren't you? What brings you all the way back here?"

But it was Mac who answered for them both, sounding as giddy as a drunk college student. "We did it, Daisy!" Mac interjected, still reeling with the shock of what had just transpired at Med-Tek. "We got the cure! We got the cure for Duncan's disease!"

Suddenly, Daisy was intrigued. "Really?" she breathed. "That's great news. I remember the last time you tried- ferals almost tore you to bits."

"Well," he went on, casting a sidelong glance at Von as he touched the tattered sleeve of his coat. "I didn't do it alone. My, uh, _friend_ here helped me get into Med-Tek, and I couldn't have done it without her. Now, all we have to do is get this on the first caravan to the Capital Wasteland and into Duncan's hands."

As he'd expected, Daisy agreed to do it- something about a caravan driver who owed her a few favours and was reliable. But he'd stopped listening after the word _yes_ and, at Von's insistence, headed over to the Rexford to set up camp for the night. At least he could sleep soundly tonight, knowing that Duncan's cure was on the way and that Von was at his side. He knew that he'd never be able to repay her for the sacrifice she'd made, but he would have to try.

Von watched him leave, staying behind to trade some of the loot she'd gathered on the road for medical supplies and much-needed food for their trip home. The transaction was like most others, in that the prices were fair and the trade itself passed without incident. But, as she turned to leave for the hotel, Daisy tapped her on the shoulder, stopping her in her tracks.

"Hey," she whispered, her voice just loud enough for Von to hear. "Look after MacCready for me, will you? He's one of the good ones."

Von nodded her agreement and continued on toward the Rexford, her heart pounding in her brain. Of all the people she'd met in the Commonwealth, Mac was the only one who truly understood what she had been through and could empathize with her plight... Her heart was made up, but her brain simply couldn't- or wouldn't- admit that her carefully curated life was over. Had she really become so far removed from reality that she could no longer separate what had been from what _was_? 

Sure, he wasn't Nate, but she didn't expect him to be. Her husband- _former_ husband- was long gone, and no one would ever be him, but that bothered her less than the fact that Mac apparently thought her incapable of loving them both. Perhaps _love_ was too strong a word for what this was, but she cared about him for many of the same reasons she had loved Nate: they were both brave, soldiers who had defied tremendous odds in order to survive... and they both loved her, in their own ways, even if she didn't always understand them.

Regardless of whether it was _love_ or not, Daisy was right: Mac _was_ one of the good ones. But, then, why was she still so confused? 

-

When Von arrived at the Rexford, she paid for her room and shelled out the extra 25 caps for hot water before heading upstairs with the bucket in her hand. No matter how bad things got, she always had a few spare caps set aside for hot water- in her mind, it was a necessity, not a luxury. And, after several days on the road, covered in blood- both her own and that of various Commonwealth critters- she definitely needed a bath.

Carefully, she lugged the bucket up the stairs to the third floor and, once she was safely inside the room, locked the door behind her. Mac was probably off drinking himself blind at the Third Rail anyway, which was fine with her; right now, she just wanted to be alone. And perhaps solitude, along with some other choice aids, would give her the strength she needed to work things through. 

She fished around in her pack for her chem stash, eventually deciding on half a vial of her current standby, Calmex. Not enough to put her to sleep again, but half a dose- just enough to relax her while she attempted to unwind. Then she peeled off her vault suit and poured the hot water into the tub, letting it burn her skin as she stepped into it. Steam swirled in the air, rising directly from her pores, and the hurt she'd carried with her since leaving the vault seemed to evaporate with it. She knew that it was temporary, but even a temporary reprieve was better than none at all.

Within a few minutes, she'd gotten rid of the blood, washed her face, and scrubbed under her fingernails. Her hair took longer, but she soon managed to rid it of tangles and grime with a bit of soap and elbow grease. Then, she leaned back in the tub and stretched her legs all the way out, closing her eyes as she submersed herself in the scalding water until it was cold.

-

Meanwhile, at the Third Rail, Mac was celebrating his good fortune. Daisy had stopped in a few hours ago, to assure him that the Prevent was already on its way to Duncan, and he was now three bottles of whiskey into what would be the world's worst hangover, come the morning. But no matter- he'd worry about it later.

He listened to Magnolia sing, her voice as vibrant and rich as ever. She reminded him a little of Von- at least of what he thought she might look like, without that blasted vault suit on. He'd never seen her without it: she fought in it, slept in it... He was pretty sure she bathed in it, too. Just like the ring around her neck, which she had never removed.

"She's somethin', ain't she?"

Mac looked up from his drink and noticed that Hancock was sitting beside him on a rickety old bar stool, sipping a Nuka Cola Victory. He looked the same as he always had, only wth a glint of mischief in his black eyes.

"Wha- who is?"

Hancock glanced at him curiously, inclining his head as if to say, _you really don't know?_ "Von," he continued, gesturing in the air with his drink. "The Minutemen's new head honcho. Not only is she a stunner, but she's a hell of a general too! If gunpowder, a pre-war jumbo jet, and rock music had a love child, she would be it."

In response, Mac said nothing, though he knew that this description was not inaccurate. Von was definitely an enigma- an ancient language so extinct that no one alive today could ever hope to translate it. Her secrets had all been lost to time, and he was an idiot for trying so hard to uncover them. Yes, he loved her, but no amount of love could bring someone back from the dead. She was Nate's, not his; that much, they both knew. And, the sooner he accepted it, the easier it would be. But he didn't want to accept it- no, he wanted to keep her close, no matter how much it hurt.

"I know that look, MacCready. She's got her claws in you, doesn't she?"

"F- er, shut your trap, Hancock. Even if she did, why would I tell you? So you can move in on my-"

He froze midsentence, realizing that he'd already said too much, and tried to backpedal. But Hancock was onto him, like a Deathclaw drawn to the scent of blood. "I see," he replied, nodding thoughtfully as though he'd seen this coming all along. "It all makes sense now. Can't say I blame you, though- I'd get on the law's good side too, if that's where she wanted me. But don't worry, I won't be stealin' your girl. That's totally against my code, not to mention uncool."

That said, he got up and headed for the exit, leaving Mac alone in his thoughts once more. He stayed for a few more drinks before deciding that he didn't trust Hancock to keep his promise and that he should probably go find Von. She was probably upstairs, as far away from the hustle and bustle of the settlement as she could humanly be, and he didn't blame her for it. Indeed, the streets of Goodneighbor were no place for any traveler, especially a woman, to be alone after dark, and it was his job to keep her safe.

When he got to their room at the Rexford, however, Von wasn't there. She hadn't left a note either, but her combat rifle remained at the edge of the bed- very out of character, since she'd carried that thing with her since they'd met. Concerned for her safety, he decided he'd go look for her; yes, she could defend herself against ferals and radroaches, but she'd be hopeless against the street thugs... especially without a weapon. So he tucked her combat rifle into his jacket and staggered out into the streets to find her.

-

Von stood in front of the Memory Den for a moment, pondering her options briefly before she swung the door wide open. Hancock had warned her about this place before, insisting that reliving the past was not to be trifled with and that it was more addictive than any chem out there. But she had already conquered chems, and figured that she could handle something a little stronger. Perhaps, if she could see her previous life just one more time, she could convince herself that it was over and devote herself fully to her new life in the Commonwealth- the one in which she was reunited with Shaun, and in which Mac, not Nate, was the one who held her heart.

Despite warnings from Irma, the petite blonde woman who operated the place, Von opted to press ahead. She had her own reason for wanting to do this, and she didn't feel like discussing those reasons at length with someone she didn't know. But the first session was free, so she sat in the plush red chaise and let Irma lower the glass dome over her head.

"Just relax, darlin'," she soothed, her voice lulling Von into a sort of meditative trance. "Close your eyes and count to five... Four... Three... Two..."

Before she reached _one_ , Von had already zoned out. She blinked and, within seconds, was back in 2077- under her own roof and wearing her own clothes. The house was just as pristine as she'd kept it then, and she saw herself too, young and oblivious as to what horrors awaited. But nothing could have prepared her for the moment when she caught sight of Nate, alive and as beautiful as she'd always remembered.

_Hey, Olivia? I was thinking we could go to the park later. We'll take a picnic lunch, and it'll be fun._

His voice was comforting, a beacon in the long night that had become her life. She wanted to reach out and touch him, so badly that her chest ached, and she had to choke back a sob as she watched herself lift Shaun from his crib- talking to the Vault-Tec rep at the door, giving Nate a kiss as Codsworth prepared breakfast. But the memory suddenly dissolved into ugliness- she saw Kellogg shooting Nate, Shaun being taken away, Mac dragging her away from Kellogg's mutilated body as she fired endlessly, despite having run out of ammo long ago...

"Von? Oliv- what the hell, Irma? Get her out of there right the fuck now!"

Gunshots. Garbled conversation, words she couldn't decipher. And then it was over, just as quickly as it had began. She was back in the Memory Den now, woozy and half-conscious; several feet away, Mac's form shimmered in the distance- he had her combat rifle, and it was pointed at Irma's head.

"What the fuck, Irma? Why did you let her do this? Why?"

"Business is business, MacCready. Look, I'm sorry about your friend. But shooting at me isn't going to do anything, except make a mess of my establishment. I've half a mind to take your caps for repairs."

As she said this, she gave Von a sympathetic once-over. "I'm sorry, sweetheart," she whispered soothingly. "I never meant for you to go through that again. If I'd known, I never would have..."

"No," Von insisted, her brain sloshing around in her head like a bowl of jelly. "This is all my fault. I'm an idiot, and I never should have come here. I never-"

But Mac had already gathered her in his arms and was carrying her out the door before she could even register what was happening. "No, you're not," he replied, cradling her head against his chest as he carried her down the street to the Rexford. "What you are is in shock, and probably in need of some sleep. We'll talk about this later, whenever you're up to it."

Supporting their combined weight was no easy task for his slight frame. But Mac managed to get them both up the stairs, amidst odd looks from the other patrons, and carefully laid Von atop the mattress, tucking a comfy pillow beneath her head. He had a feeling that he knew what she'd been up to, though he didn't entirely hold it against her- he'd done the same when Lucy died, just to see her face and hear her voice again; and that was when he realized that he'd forgotten what it was like to be in Von's place.

He hadn't meant to cause trouble, only to protect the woman he loved from the world and its cruelties. He'd made her a promise, and he planned on keeping it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last night in my old house, and last update for a while (since i will be without internet until january 5th).  
> sorry if it's a tad disjointed, but it is what it is lol.
> 
> -esp xx


	18. War of Wills

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Von nurses a bad-decision hangover post-Memory Den, while Mac tries to deal with his actual hangover. Results are mixed.
> 
> (also, shameless fluff ahead)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _call to him, and he will come._   
>  _she'll answer him like he's the one;_   
>  _his arms outstretched but, when she's done,_   
>  _he'll be torn apart._
> 
> -jordan reyne, _go tell aunt rhody_

Morning came, and Mac awoke with a splitting headache. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut, though it did little to block out the sun that leaked through several cracks in the window; he groped blindly through his med kit for a stimpak and, shaking, pushed the sharp needle into his neck. He hated hangovers, so he wasn't sure why he had brought this on himself, despite knowing exactly what the end result would be.

In the past, Lucy might have told him that he was an idiot, and that truly being an idiot meant doing the same thing over and over, all the while hoping for a different result. And, if he really thought about it, this was definitely true of his relationship with Von: time and again, he had tried to prove that he cared about her, understand her motives and make sense of them, even when it hurt. But, every time, her response was the same- rarely, she got angry and would give him what-for, but it was far more common that she'd shut down completely and put as much distance between them as was humanly possible. She'd done it after the mess at Fort Hagen, and she was doing it now.

_Oh, Lucy. Things would be so much simpler if you were still here, if Von and I had never met or I'd just kept my trap shut. She drives me crazy, and I wish I hated her, if only to make it easier on myself. But, damn it to hell, I love her._

On the other side of the room, Von was nursing a different kind of ailment. Indeed, she regretted her trip to the Memory Den- instead of alleviating her confusion, the experience had left her feeling hollow and far more uncertain than ever. But it was all self-inflicted: no one had forced her hand, told her that she had to do it. Instead, she had gone willingly into the cave and woken the sleeping monsters inside- perhaps _drowsy_ was a better word, since she knew that pain never truly slept. It was always there, watching from the shadows and just waiting for her to fail.

 _Damn it all_ , she thought, pulling the blankets over her head as she tried to drown out the light. _Well played, Olivia. Now that you've made a spectacular mess of things, maybe they can't possibly get any worse and it's all uphill from... Oh, who am I kidding?_

She couldn't face Mac. She'd hurt him enough already, and it would have been unfair of her to expect that he'd react in any other way. She felt as though she'd betrayed him- in some small way, perhaps she had, and she ached with the knowledge that she was the cause of his pain. This had never been her intention, and she would give anything to undo the previous night and all it had signified.

The mattress shifted slightly, and she was suddenly very aware of his presence as he sat beside her on the bed. "Hey," he whispered gently, so as not to startle her. "Boss, we need to talk about what happened last night. I don't know what's going on, but there's something I need to get off my chest."

In response, she shook her head _no_ out of habit, even though she knew he couldn't see her under the sheets. What had happened- seeing Nate and Shaun, her old life, again had been strange, both enticing and terrifying beyond imagination; even if she had been able to put it into words, she wasn't sure she'd want to.

"No," she answered, her voice muffled by the bedclothes as she burrowed deeper into her fortress of blankets. "If you mean what happened in the Memory Den, I don't know if I'll ever be ready to talk about it. But, if I do feel so inclined, you'll be the first to know."

She rolled over and buried her face in the pillow, but he wasn't having any of it and gripped her shoulder tightly as he tried to roll her over to face him. "Come on," he insisted, with a sigh that was equal parts exasperated and mournful. "I mean, I get it. I do. That's why we should be able to talk abo-"

"Well, I do _not_ want to talk about it, MacCready. This conversation is over."

"Yeah, but Vo-"

"Over."

Mac recoiled slightly at her abruptness but, after a moment, reconsidered. "Oh, no you don't," he went on, pressing onward even though he felt like a radroach about to be squashed by a suit of power armour. "You are _not_ going to brush me off this time, Olivia. This is exactly what I'm talking about. That's not the way you were acting before. That's not the person I fell in love with."

When she didn't respond, he paused for air briefly before continuing. "Don't you get it?" he continued, calmer now. "When I told you how I felt about you-when you told me you felt the same, that you wanted to be closer to me and saw me as more than just a friend, it was like things had finally fallen into place. That life had finally decided to cut me a break, you know, after everything I went through when Lucy died. I get that you're going through some serious sh- uh, issues, right now, but it's like you blame me for what happened to your family. When you're not biting my head off, you're ignoring me and doing things your own way. Now, I know I'm not the most patient person in the world, but I think I've tolerated quite a bit of this new you."

This seemed to get her attention, as she poked her head out from under the sheets to glare at him. "Stop," she croaked, almost pleadingly. "I can't deal with this right now. Please, just leave it be."

"Fine," he snapped, the word sounding much harsher than he had intended. "For someone who says she cares about me, you have a strange way of showing that you still want me around. I just want things to go back to the way they were- you and me, against the world. I miss that, and I miss _you_."

Von sighed, suddenly feeling like an overburdened pack brahmin- with guilt, instead of crates, but the idea was the same. She'd taken on far more than she was capable of, and it was killing them both. He was right about one thing, though: she _had_ changed, and not for the better.

"I miss you, too," she admitted reluctantly, her voice wavering ever so slightly as she forced herself to look him in the eye. "I had no idea it was getting this bad, and I'm sorry. Perhaps it would be for the best if I... if I did things on my own for a while."

"You don't mean..."

There was a familiar sadness in Mac's blue eyes, and Von felt a surge of guilt rise up inside her chest like a tsunami. "That's not what I meant," she replied cautiously as she moved into a sitting position. "It's just that... well, I have to find my son, and maybe getting into this Institute is something I should do alone...."

She trailed off and sighed as she rested her forehead against his cheek. His skin was warm against hers and, for a moment, she wanted nothing more than to peel off her vault suit and strip away the distance between them. Not for sex, but for comfort- to feel his heart, the core of his being, beat in time with hers, if only to remind her that she wasn't completely alone in this fucked-up world.

For a moment, Mac was silent, but he pulled her closer and stroked her hair as he listened to her breathing. She was confused, yes, but not ill-intentioned; she wasn't out to hurt him on purpose. It was just a defense mechanism, something that all grieving people did, in order to keep from being broken all over again. Hell, he'd done the exact same thing when Lucy died- shut people out, been so afraid of letting anyone close, for fear that not suffering was somehow disrespectful to her memory. He knew exactly what Von was feeling, and just thinking about it made his heart ache. He didn't want her to suffer. No one deserved what he'd been through- what they'd both been through- and he wanted to murder everything that had ever caused her pain. 

_Present company included, of course._

He turned to look at her, letting out a shaky breath as he tenderly touched her cheek. "Look at me," he insisted, tilting her chin upward so that she would do just that. "I'm tired of talking about this, so I'll just lay it on the line. I'm not trying to ask for too much, but... if you love me, you need to wake up and start acting like you care. In the end, if we both work on keeping our relationship strong, I think everything'll turn out for the best. If you don't, well... "

Before he could finish the sentence, Von reached over and covered his mouth with her fingers. "It's not like that," she replied calmly, bowing her head so low that her hair covered her face. "You know you're the last person in the world I'd want to see hurt because of me. That's why I told you that falling in love with me was a terrible idea and will only end in-"

"That's crazy talk, Olivia. I-"

"No," she interjected, cutting deliberately through his words. "It's not. I've tried, and I just can't. I can't give you what you need from me, though I wish to hell and back that I wasn't the reason for all of this. I don't want that for you- I never did." 

It looked as though she were about to cry , but Mac was relieved when she didn't. He hated seeing her in such obvious despair, knowing that there was nothing he could do about it. If things went on like this for too much longer, it would surely be the end of them both... the end of everything that, up to this point, they'd done together.

"I know," he said finally, standing up as he helped her do the same. "Now come on, boss. Let's go home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song is the theme from resident evil 7, which my other half is playing as i write this.
> 
> i learned _go tell aunt rhody_ on the violin when i was a kid, but the lyrics i was taught weren't half as badass as these. jordan reyne's voice is just so haunting and beautiful, and it made me actually stop and listen to the words... which fit the mood of this chapter like a glove. 
> 
> (back to school + being without power for a week after a tree fell on the line behind my house during an ice storm + pneumonia = why i haven't posted in a while.)


	19. Dear Hearts and Gentle People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> True to her word, Von strikes out on her own as she tries to find Shaun. While she's gone, Mac and Cait have a heart-to-heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _blood on my hands, dripping on the floor to my feet;_   
>  _blood in my chest now, racing with my heartbeat._   
>  _i was condemned when i first saw you-_   
>  _there is no coming back from you._
> 
> -lyriel, _black and white_

Upon returning to Sanctuary, Von was immediately whisked away by the Minutemen for what Preston claimed was a very important meeting- there was an update on the whereabouts of the Institute, he'd told her, and he'd brought in leaders from both the Brotherhood of Steel and the Railroad for help. Elder Maxson, Paladin Danse, and Desdemona had all responded to Piper's request for aid and, while they disagreed on almost everything, they had one thing in common: they all wanted the Institute to answer for their crimes, as did Von herself.

Of course, she wasn't picky and she'd take any help she could get. But they'd barely gotten into the meat of things when they received word that Tenpines Bluff was under attack, and so off she went to kill whatever needed killing. According to Sturges, the settlers' cries for aid- for food, supplies, and getting rid of everything from radroaches to Raiders- had become more frequent in her absence, and she wondered if her impromptu trip to Med-Tek had been to blame. Yes, she'd done it to spare Mac's son, but she'd put her entire faction at risk in order to do it.

Logic argued that she had acted selfishly in her decision to help Duncan - she couldn't save everyone, and how dare she prioritize one child's life over so many others. But what if she had the same opportunity to rescue Shaun, her own flesh and blood, when thousands of other lives were at risk? Would she still do it? Her heart remained convinced that she had done the right thing, in saving little Duncan from certain death. But had she?

From several feet away, Mac watched her leave, thinking about what she'd said to him in their tiny rented room at the Rexford. Even now, she maintained her distance, coldly logical as ever. He'd tried to dismiss it as crazy talk, in an attempt to convince her that her fears were unfounded while telling himself that she didn't mean any of what she was saying. But, though she'd never finished the sentence, he couldn't get past her insistence that loving her was a terrible idea _because it'll only end in-_

_End in what? Tears? Flames? Total atomic annihilation? Damn it, Von. Can't even look me in the eye and give me a straight answer._

He wondered for a moment if, perhaps, Von was right. Maybe they never should have been anything more than friends, but the thought of losing her now was like taking a mini nuke straight through the chest and he didn't want to imagine what would become of him if she ever walked away. As badly as he wanted all of her, he'd take the bits and pieces she'd offered- things like letting him call her by her name and helping him get Duncan's cure- over nothing at all.

As he wandered toward the root cellar, he suddenly changed his mind and headed for Von's little house. Of course, she wasn't there, but Cait would be- assuming that she'd forgiven him for calling her a drug-addled whore that one time, perhaps she could give him something to work with.

"Hey, Cait?"

There was a moment of silence before Cait, who had been sitting on a red plush chair in the far corner of the room, finally glanced up from her tattered copy of _Astoundingly Awesome Tales_. "You," was all she said, her voice dripping with venom as she set the magazine down on a nearby table. "What the bloody 'ell could ye possibly want from a drug-addled whore like me? Lemme guess... You done fucked up with Von and you want me te clean up yer mess. Well, lemme tell ye somethin', Creads: I don' have te like ye just because yer doin' Atom-only-knows with me best friend. Now scram, 'fore I let me fists do the talkin'."

Obviously, she hadn't forgiven him for insults uttered in the heat of the moment. The woman could certainly hold a grudge- even though it had been several weeks since their heated exchange, she spoke as though it had just happened. It reminded him of Von, and how she had held onto his words about N- that other guy she'd been married to- after he'd confronted her in the vault post-Fort Hagen; maybe that's why they were friends, even though Von was nothing like Cait. Von had class- she was charismatic and smart, made those pre-war terminals look like child's play... But, unlike Von, Cait said exactly what was on her mind. Sure, she was abrasive and a bit crass, but at least he didn't have to guess what she was thinking.

"I said I was sorry, okay? No wonder Von's on the fence about this whole thing. What kind of sh- crazy ideas have you been filling her head with, Cait? I'd bet all my caps that this is your fault."

"Then ye'd best pay up, 'cause this's got nothin' te do with me. Why'd ye even give a mole rat's arse what I think, anyway? Von sure doesn't- she keeps ye 'round, after all."

She rolled her eyes, and Mac sighed in frustration. This was already proving to be infinitely more difficult than he'd hoped, but Cait was a valuable resource and he would need her on his side, if he was ever to solve the riddle that was Von. "Look," he finally replied, keeping his hand on his pistol in case she tried to take a swing at him. "I'm sorry for what I said, and I didn't come here to fight. I need your help, Cait. Please- you're Von's best friend. She listens to you."

Cait seemed to consider this for a moment and, after some deliberation, she acquiesced. "Fine," she answered with a nod in his direction. "Y'know I trust ye 'bout as far's I can throw ye. But Von's me best an' only friend, n' I trust 'er with me life- if she sees somethin' in ye, who am I t'argue?"

She motioned him over to where she sat and patted the chair beside her. "C'mere, ye silly thing," she went on, as though addressing a child Duncan's age. "I can tell by that look in yer eyes that she's gone n' said somethin' she didn' mean. Trouble in paradise?"

"Sort of. I mean, I don't really know... She seems, well, different- angry, like everything's my fault. I know Fort Hagen did a number on her, but helping me get the cure from Med-Tek was her choice. I never asked her to drop everything for me, not when she's still trying to save her own son's life and avenge N- her dead husband. If I could bring the guy back to life, believe me, I would, if that's what it took to make her happy. But I'm not him, and now she wants to go back to being on her own. It doesn't seem to matter how much I try to prove that I... that I love her."

The last four words came out as a shaky sigh, like a breath he'd suppressed while looking through the scope of a sniper rifle. He didn't want to lose his cool in front of Cait, but he needed to get this off his chest before it crushed him, and she seemed to understand as sympathy registered in her eyes.

"Well, shite," she exclaimed, shaking her head as she tried to organize her thoughts. "Sounds like Von bein' Von. She's been through a lot, an' I know she's still tryin' te make sense of things th'only way she knows. Could ye do it?"

"Do what?"

"Go te sleep fer two cent'ries n' wake up in a new world where all yer friends n' fam'ly's gone and nothin's like ye remember. I sure as 'ell couldn' do it, n' it's lucky fer us that you n' I don' 'ave te know what that's like. But Von does- 'er entire life's changed, n' I know she's afraid. But I also know she cares 'bout all of us. That's why she risked 'er neck te get me clean, save yer kid- it's why she gets that crazy look in 'er eyes every time she says yer name. She knows yer not Nate- even if ye were a Raider, or some scavver no better than a pack o' wild dogs, tha' wouldn' matter 'cause she loves _you_."

She touched his shoulder for emphasis and, despite his best efforts to stay composed, Mac felt his eyes burn with tears as he bit back the sob rising in his throat. If Cait, who didn't even like him, could say those words out loud, then why couldn't Von do it? Ever since he'd told her that he loved her, on that cold, rainy night in the Commonwealth, he'd been dying for her to say it back. Yes, she'd shown that she cared through actions, but all he wanted was to hear it straight from the source.

"But what if she never says it, Cait? How is it not painfully obvious to her that I'd give up my shooting arm if she'd just tell me she loves me? That's all I want, and I don't care if she never says it again after that. All she has to do is look me in the eye, just once, and tell me she loves me. Or doesn't. I don't care at this point, but the fact that she can't seem to decide which side of the fence she's on is going to kill me."

Cait said nothing at first, her gaze glued to the floor as she attempted to process what she'd just heard. "I dunno," she replied, with a shake of her head. "Yer prob'ly askin' the wrong girl, since Von's like a sister te me, n' that's the only love I know. A lot o' folks talk 'bout love, but most of 'em'd prob'ly slit yer throat while ye sleep or stab ye in the back for a few caps the second ye turn 'round. But, fer what it's worth, I can tell ye that, if Von does somethin' te show she cares, it's real. She's never said it to me either: I just know. And, in yer heart, I think ye know that too."

He didn't respond, but the look on his face must have given him away, as Cait answered his silence by producing a bottle of wine and two shot glasses from the curio beside her bed. "C'mon, Creads," she urged, pushing a glass in his direction. "Chin up an' drink up. 'Ere's te better days."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as promised, i decided to explore cait and mac's relationship with each other in the context of their respective relationships with von. i also love writing in cait's voice, since i can hear her as i write lol.


	20. The Fog Gets to You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Von responds to a distress call from Far Harbour, accompanied by Paladin Danse. Mac has jealousy issues (again) and, when Danse returns alone, he wonders if Von's disappearance is her way of saying she wants out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _so many thoughts that i can't get out of my head;_   
>  _i try to live without you- every time I do, I feel dead._   
>  _i know what's best for me, but i want you instead;_   
>  _i'll keep on wasting all my time._
> 
> -three days grace, _over and over_

When she reached Tenpines Bluff, Von quickly discovered why she'd been summoned: radroaches had gotten into the tato plants, and anything they hadn't destroyed had been stolen by a group of Raiders who'd moved into the area and were threatening to kill her settlers if they didn't pay up. So she waited until nightfall and, under cover of darkness, climbed onto the roof and slaughtered the lot of them with her sniper rifle before they even realized they were being watched.

Satisfied, she leapt down from her perch and headed for Sanctuary Hills. She'd forgotten just how much she'd enjoyed her own company- other people were a burden; they got in the way, weighed her down, and she needed to save her energy for things that mattered, like rescuing Shaun from the Institute's clutches. Yes, she'd come to be grateful for little things- Cait's hugs, the way Dogmeat barked excitedly as if to herald her return, watching the rain with Mac as they huddled together for warmth while waiting out a storm... There was definitely a part of her that missed having him around. But, if she was to be successful in her ultimate pursuit, she couldn't afford to be distracted or concerned with saving anyone's skin but her own.

Indeed, putting distance between them had seemed like the right thing to do after the Memory Den, since it was definitely easier than trying to make sense of it all. After everything she'd done to prove that she wasn't a cold, heartless robot, she had created a potentially irreparable rift between them; if only he had taken her at her word on that night in the Commonwealth, since it would have spared him the pain of realizing just how broken she really was. He was persistent, but his desire for closeness was too much for her and it was becoming an emotional black hole- draining her of resources that would be much better used elsewhere.

_Can you still bring yourself to love me, taking my words for what they are?_

She had warned him about Nate, and just how broken she was. But none of it had stuck, and he kept trying to tear down those walls, only for her to put up higher ones in their places. Perhaps he'd underestimated her, or was overconfident in his own ability to penetrate the frozen fortress she'd built. Perhaps both.

_You're an idiot, MacCready. But you're a persistent idiot: I'll give you that._

When she finally arrived at Sanctuary around dusk, these thoughts vanished into thin air as she was quickly intercepted by Danse and Desdemona, who'd been posted outside of the meeting room in anticipation of her return. "General," Danse began, inclining his head in her direction. "Preston tells me you've been working on a signal interceptor, in order to infiltrate the Institute's ranks. My scribe tells me that they're in possession of a beryllium agitator, which would make a valuable addition to our collection. Please allow me to accompany you to the Institute, so that we might also procure this agitator for the Brotherhood."

Von considered this for a moment. Backup would definitely be useful, though she still felt that she should be the only one to travel to the Institute. She'd worked too hard for this revenge and worried that Danse would steal it from her- or worse, that just his presence would get them both killed before she could rescue Shaun, meaning that all of her efforts had ultimately been in vain.

_I have to find my son. And maybe getting into this Institute is something I should do alone._

Fortunately, she was spared having to answer, as a nearby radio beacon began blasting a distress signal so loud that everyone within 30 feet covered their ears to block out the sound. "Damn it," she muttered in between blasts. "Of course another settlement needs my help, now that I have a thousand other things to do. I should find Preston and tell him to save the world his damn self."

"I know that siren," Desdemona added, lighting a cigarette before offering the pack to Von and Danse, both of whom declined. "That's no settlement radio beacon. That's Acadia, over in Far Harbour- perhaps one of our rescues is in trouble."

"Damn your synths, woman," was Danse's reply. "Now, if you're quite done, the General and I have important things to do."

Von sighed, wondering if bringing other factions into this had been a huge mistake. "No, Danse," she interjected, pausing to reload her rifle in preparation for what lay ahead. "Far Harbour needs our help, and we're going to check it out. As in, you and me- you'll learn to cultivate a healthy respect for all life, even if it kills me."

_Oh, hell. I sound exactly like... Where is he, anyway?"_

She had wanted to see Mac before she left again, but he wasn't with any of the other settlers or anywhere within her line of sight. He was probably in the root cellar, which represented a safe haven for both of them- especially for Von, who wanted to keep their relationship out of the public eye, away from those who might perceive her affection as weakness. In fact, Preston had confronted her about it upon their return from Goodneighbor- told her that he didn't know what was going on between them, but to please keep whatever it was out of official business. But she wasn't sure if or not she could do that, which only further convinced her that her involvement in this was dangerous and could cost her everything she'd worked so hard for.

After instructing Danse to wait for her, Von sprinted off toward the root cellar and hauled the doors wide open. Mac wasn't there, but she knew he'd likely return to it while she was gone. And so she left a handwritten note tucked under the pillow before rejoining the faction leaders and leaving for Far Harbour with Danse at her side.

-

_Follow the light, and look for me where there is none._

Mac set the note down on a nearby footlocker, trying to make sense of what it was Von had meant by any of it. She had a gift with words, and could probably be clear if she'd wanted to, but the few words she'd left behind were just as deliberately obscure as always. She spoke almost strictly in riddles- no wonder the Railroad had taken to calling her Agent Whisper, since she was there one minute and gone the next, just like a whisper on the wind.

Of course, he'd done some detective work of his own and found out that she'd run off to Far Harbour with that idiot from the Brotherhood of Squeals. What the hell was she doing all the way out there, and why Danse as her partner? Wasn't there some sort of synth refuge there, and wouldn't Brotherhood presence so close to it raise at least a little suspicion? Being seen in those parts with a walking suit of power armour was a huge risk, one that didn't seem like Von at all- sure, she took calculated risks from time to time, but this was just plain stupid. Perhaps it was his fault that she'd gotten careless, and he'd never forgive himself if something happened to her- between Lucy's death and his time with the Gunners, he had enough blood on his hands already. And, if he could help it, Von would never join those numbers.

He didn't trust Danse to take care of her. The man had about as much empathy as a sack of bricks and, though not terrible in a firefight, he wouldn't be of any use to Von if she was cold, afraid, injured, or worse. He thought back to that night in the Commonwealth, the promises they'd made to each other- would Danse have done the same, given up his suit of power armour so that she might take shelter in his arms? Doubtful, of course... But what if he had, and she'd gone along with it, in a moment of weakness?

The mental image was too awful to entertain, and Mac tried to push it from his mind. He was losing her- that much, he already knew- and picturing her dead would have been easier than imagining her with someone like Danse. Sure, it sounded awful, but seeing her happy with someone else would suck the air from his lungs- she'd coloured everything in her way, and he'd never be able to look at a damn thing again without being reminded of her somehow.

He swallowed hard and fished around in his pocket for a cigarette, fumbling with an old flip lighter as he tried to stop his hands from shaking. On the first try, he dropped both and nearly set the mattress on fire; on the second, he missed and ended up burning his fingers instead- if there was a silver lining in any of it, at least he wasn't expected to fire a weapon in his current condition. But he needed to see Von... and he _really_ needed that cigarette. So he left the root cellar in search of someone who might be able to help with both.

"Hey, Cait. Got a light?"

She nodded and passed him her lighter, laughing as she watched his efforts. "Give me that," she insisted, taking both from him and lighting the cigarette herself before returning it to him. "Yer shakin' like a leaf in nuclear winter n' it's not even cold. What on earth's goin' on?"

"Follow the light, and look for me where there is none. What the hell does that even mean, Cait? Have you ever heard anything so purposely vague in your life?"

When she looked confused, he showed her the note that Von had left in the root cellar, and her initial reaction to it was not unlike his own. "What's that supposed te mean?" she asked, shaking her head as she raked her fingers through her red hair. "I know she ran off te Far 'Arbor with that Danse fella. Not sure I like them Brotherhood bastards hangin' around Von any more than ye do, but she's the General n' she's gonna do whatever she wants, I reckon."

Before he could answer, he heard the unmistakeable clank of power armour. After sharing a glance with Cait, they both followed the sound to the bridge, but were unpleasantly surprised when they saw that Danse was alone. Where the hell was Von, and what had happened to her while she was supposed to be under the paladin's protection?

"Goddamnit, Danse," he practically shouted, ignoring Cait's attempts to hold him back. "Where is she? Where's Von? What did you do to her, you overgrown crab shack?"

Of course, the paladin's response was calm and crazy-making in the way only a Brotherhood of Steel veteran could be. "Calm yourself," he commanded, which had the exact opposite effect. "The General and I were separated in battle, though she is a formidable combatant and I trust that she can fend for herself in the meantime."

"Danse, you idiot! How the fuck do you lose the General of the Minutemen? If anything's happened to her, I swear to god I'll blow your goddamn head off!"

But Danse's only response was to laugh as he gestured at his power armour before shaking his head. "You're welcome to try, civilian," he replied, spitting out the last word as though it tasted bad. "In fact, I'll pay you a thousand caps if you can get even one bullet through this suit, and I'm sure you'd win your General's eternal admiration with such a feat. Or are you her boyfriend or something?"

"No," Mac answered, swallowing over the lump in his throat as he hoped that the audible quiver in his voice wouldn't give him away. "And, even if I was, why would it matter?"

Technically speaking, it wasn't a lie. A lot of his relationship with Von was unspoken, and they'd never agreed to use any specific titles for each other- after all this time, she still called him MacCready, even though she knew well enough what his real name was. It made no sense, since she'd allowed him to call her Olivia instead of Von or the more-formal 'General'; maybe it was habit, or perhaps she thought it necessary to keep some form of distance between them even still.

"It wouldn't. But it would definitely explain your lack of respect for your superiors."

By this point, Mac's entire body was shaking with rage. He tried to take a swing at Danse- a terrible idea, in hindsight, since his fist would have collided with that suit of power armour- but Cait was faster and grabbed his arm before he could do any real damage. "C'mon, Creads," she insisted, moving between them to keep him from trying again. "Let's jus' go.This sack o' rocks ain' worth it."

"Listen to your friend," Danse added. "Though her diction is juvenile at best, she has her head on straight. When the General returns, she'll be notified of your _insubordination_. And, if you step out of line again, all I have to do is say the word and Maxson'll put a bullet in your head."

He headed for the settlement's guest quarters, and Mac stared after him in frustrated shock. He'd always hated the Brotherhood, and everything they stood for. But, now that one of them had put Von's life in danger, there was nothing to stop him from murdering them all in their sleep. He and Cait would find her on their own, if they had to... unless, of course, she didn't want to be found. Maybe that was why she'd left for Far Harbour in the first place, allowed herself to get separated from Danse in battle, so that she'd have an excuse to run as far away as she could. Could it be that Far Harbour was the lightless place she'd written about? And, if he _followed the light_ , would he find her there?

On their way back to the girls' shared house, they were intercepted by Preston, who looked thoroughly unimpressed. "A moment of your time," he said, motioning for Mac to follow him as he waved Cait away. "I overheard your conversation with Danse, and I want you to know that I'm not at all pleased with what happened. The Brotherhood has been very generous, offering to help us in our hour of greatest need, and the disrespect you showed them tonight will _not_ be tolerated."

The two walked in silence for a moment, away from the rest of the settlement and toward the forest. "Let's get one thing straight," he continued. "When you arrived, I told you that you weren't to cause any unnecessary trouble with the others. You agreed to my terms- _our_ terms- by staying, and I trusted you to uphold your end of the bargain. Now, I'm not sure what's going on between you and V- er, the General, but whatever it is needs to stay out of official business. And, if you can't do that, then I'm going to ask you to go back to wherever it is you came from. Are we clear?"

Not knowing what else to say, Mac nodded and stalked off past Preston to the root cellar. All of these factions were so damn high-strung, almost like they were cults; this was exactly why he had left the Gunners- why he'd never have accepted Von's offer in the first place, if he'd known that she was the leader of the Minutemen. But he had taken her up on it and, as a result, landed himself in this predicament. The only thing left to do was wait it out, keep far away from the others to secure his place in Sanctuary until she returned...

_If_ she returned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "we've paid our dues in blood and bullets. this is our fight, our island- not yours."
> 
> (spoken by allan lee in-game, but also makes sense in context of the chapter itself, since mac feels that danse is stepping in on his territory because of the tremendous losses that both he and von have suffered.)
> 
> 'overgrown crab shack' refers to the mutated hermit crabs in far harbour- the ones that hide out in pre-war vehicles and are a bitch to kill, by virtue of their being protected by their metal 'shells'; mac's use of the phrase is intended to insinuate that danse's tactics are cheap and that he has no skill.


	21. The Molecular Level

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Acadia secure, Von finally returns from Far Harbour and returns to the task of finding Shaun. But shit hits the fan, as it's known to do, and she heads off to the Institute alone.
> 
> (also, serious feels ahead... freakin' onions!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _it`s not the tree that forsakes the flower,_   
>  _but the flower that forsakes the tree;_   
>  _someday, i'll learn to love these scars,_   
>  _still fresh from the red-hot blade of your words._
> 
> -nightwish, _bye bye beautiful_

It was dark out when Von finally returned from Far Harbour. She was cold and miserable, and her food supply had run out some days ago- she definitely hadn't counted on getting separated from Danse, or getting lost. But the fog crawlers had descended upon them so quickly that they hadn't had time to form any real plans and her only concern was escaping with her life, so that she could continue to fight for Shaun's.

Upon reaching Sanctuary, she was pleased to see that Sturges and the others had completed work on the relay in her absence. Once she was sufficiently rested and replenished her food stores, she could begin the last stage of her plot to infiltrate the Institute; she didn't want to run blindly into things, and had given a ton of thought as to how she might go about it. But she didn't want to wake Cait, or leave without saying goodbye to her friends, so she headed to the root cellar instead- everything she needed would be there, and it would be a safe place to think it all over. Sure, there was no map, but she could at least come up with something of a game plan that hopefully wouldn't result in her untimely death.

Indeed, there was a very real chance that she could die. Her odds of surviving the initial relay- which would rip her body apart on the molecular level and attempt to reassemble it on the other side- were a slim one in three hundred. And, even if she did make it in, it was highly likely that she'd be killed on sight by something called a _courser_. But she'd come so far- the Commonwealth may have been constantly trying to kill her, as Piper had put it, but she had taken everything it had thrown at her in stride. If she could face deathclaws, radscorpions, and giant mutated bugs, then she could surely handle whatever this Institute might send her way.

She sat down on the mattress and had just barely settled in for a long night of plotting when she heard the cellar doors creak open. When she looked up, Mac was standing over her, arms folded across his chest as though shielding himself from some unseen attacker.

"Stop! We need to talk- _right now_ , damn it!"

In response, Von sighed and shrugged her shoulders. She was in no mood for a confrontation, especially not when she was still cold and starving from her trip back home. "Lose the attitude," she retorted, with a toss of her head. "Listen- I'm cold, I'm hungry, and I'm way too tired to deal with this right now. Why are you so mad at me?"

_Seriously? She's really going to act like she doesn't know why I'm pissed off?_

"Where to begin, Olivia? First, there was Fort Hagen; then, there was the vault, and the Memory Den... Then, you run off to Far Harbour with that tool from the Brotherhood, without saying goodbye. Then, he comes back alone and tells me you're missing; then your friend Preston tries to run me out of town because I gave Danse shit for losing you. I've been worried sick about you, and all you can say is 'why are you mad at me'? How can you do this to me and just act like everything's fine?"

As he said this, Von nodded her understanding, but her tone when she answered didn't match the look on her face. "I already told you," she stated firmly. "Back at the Rexford, I said I needed to do some things alone. And, since you didn't disagree with me, I thought-"

"No," he snapped back, cutting her off midsentence as shock registered on her face. "You didn't. You didn't think at all. And that's why I'm angry. I told you that I didn't like the way things were going, and that they'd have to change if you wanted me to stick around. But you decided to throw everything I said out the window and do things your own way. So I'm not going to bother you about it anymore, because-"

"Because what? Because you aren't getting your own way, or because you're too much of a child to understand what I told you? I thought you knew what I was going through, that I could trust you to be patient with me and understand where I was coming from. But no, you'd rather give up because I'm not what you expected of me."

"Damn it, Olivia.," he sighed exasperatedly, raising both arms in mock surrender. "That's not it at all. What's killing me is that you don't get it- when you aren't scaring me half to death with these suicide missions or wishing I was your dead husband, you're leaving clues that even the most experienced Railroad agent wouldn't know the answer to.. Like why you keep telling me you care, but you still won't take that damn thing off."

He gestured to the wedding ring around her neck, and he watched her face change several times before she levelled her gaze at him. Already, he regretted his choice of words. But it was when she glared at him with a fury that would have made a grown Deathclaw run screaming for its mother that he realized he'd fucked up.

"How dare you," was all she said, her voice as calm as the sky before a rad storm rolled in from the Glowing Sea. "If that's how you feel, then I don't suppose it matters what I say. You've already made your choice, in which case you don't have to worry about it anymore, because I'm leaving."

As usual, she'd beaten him to the punch. She'd hit him where it hurt before he'd had an opportunity to say his piece, and she was so much better with her words than he was- the irony of it wasn't lost on him at all.

"You don't mean that," he inststed pleadingly, hoping to convince her that she didn't mean it. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have-"

"That's quite enough, MacCready. Now get out of my sight- you are dead to me."

"But Vo-"

"I said that's quite enough. And that's _General_ to you."

With her final blow delivered, she grabbed her pack and stalked past him, stopping only to throw open the cellar door before returning to the surface. Mac watched her leave, swallowing over the scream that rose in his throat like radscorpion venom. He wanted to grab her and give her a good shake, beg her not to go. But the damage had already been done, and he could never take back what he'd said.

"No," he croaked feebly, his breath catching in his chest as he forced himself to put one foot in front of the other. "No. Don't do this. I'm sorry."

Indeed, he had no idea what had possessed him to bring her dead husband into this mess, or why he'd thought it a good idea to bring it up at all. She'd never forgive him; the pain in her eyes had made that abundantly clear. And, like Lucy's death, it would haunt his dreams forever.

-

Despite a significant head start, Von broke into a run. She had no idea where she was going, only that she needed out- of Sanctuary, the Commonwealth, this godforsaken hell she called a life.... She was done with all of it. But she couldn't, wouldn't cry- she had anticipated this moment, braced herself for it, from the beginning. But, as with Nate's death, she hadn't realized just how woefully unprepared she was for the reality of the decision, until now.

She could hear Mac's footsteps behind her, each one forcing the dagger of his words deeper into her heart. He was the last person she'd ever have expected to betray her like this, and it ached just as much as if he'd physically shot her in the back with his sniper rifle; her breath came in short, shallow gasps as she fought the urge to break down and cry right then and there; Nate never would have done something like this. He loved her. And she knew well enough that one simply didn't hurt the person they cared about- not like this.

The footsteps became fainter and, once she was confident that she'd lost him for the time being, she ducked behind one of the broken-down houses and fished through her pack for a vial of Calmex. Hands shaking, she emptied the entire thing into the back of her neck and let the syringe fall to the ground with a crack. Then, summoning every ounce of courage and energy she had left, she forced herself to run toward the relay platform as fast as her trembling legs would allow. At this point, she didn't care if she disintegrated- her heart had already been ripped apart on the molecular level, so what did the fate of her physical body matter?

Using the last of her strength, she punched a few keys on a nearby console and her creation buzzed to life, shooting bright blue sparks across the sky. Then, she dragged herself onto the platform and promptly passed out; she was still unconscious when the beam emitter fired, carrying her away to the depths of the Institute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, no one saw _this_ coming from a mile away... /sarc.
> 
> from the beginning, it was pretty obvious that these two weren't on the same page, and that they're at very different stages of the grieving process. as you can see, it's basically a bunch of little things that added up and became big things.
> 
> ..but is it the end of this precarious partnership? stay tuned?
> 
> -
> 
> this chapter is super late, on account of it's depressing af and i didn't want to post it on v-day or my birthday. then i broke my leg and spent a week in the hospital, so there's that too.
> 
> me right now: http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/000/511/258/66a.png


	22. Science & Secrecy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac has some serious regrets about how things ended, especially when people start asking questions about Von's absence. Meanwhile, our protagonist wakes up on the other side of the Institute relay and discovers the shocking truth of her son's whereabouts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _lifeless and soulless_   
>  _and loveless and hopeless-_   
>  _a pathetic mess in a heap_   
>  _on the floor;_
> 
> _i am the catalyst,_   
>  _destroyer of my own world._
> 
> -kittie, _what have i done_

Before he had time to react, Mac watched as Von's form darted through his peripheral vision. And, before he could stop her, she'd turned on that weird computer, collapsed on that platform thing she'd been building to access the Institute, and was gone faster than he could blink.

"OLIVIA, NO!"

The voice that emerged from between his lips was high-pitched and trembling, too panic-stricken to be his. But it had to be, because everyone else was asleep and the closest inhabited settlement was several miles away. Still shaking, he dropped to his knees and listened to the anguished echo that floated through the night air as his heart pounded in his head. Everything was spinning; every noise was amplified, and the buildings blurred together as he tried to catch his breath. It reminded him of that one time he'd hit the Jet with Hancock and Magnolia, when he'd first arrived in Goodneighbor: his whole body felt weak and shivery, and his stomach roiled with every breath he took... His lungs burned like wildfire, and he was pretty sure he'd pass out if it went on much longer.

Suddenly, a light flickered on in one of the windows. A few moments later, Cait was at his side, followed closely by Preston and Mama Murphy. "Holy shite" she exclaimed, her Irish accent dancing gently in the midnight breeze. "Creads, look at me- ye look like ye've seen a ghost. What in Atom's name's goin' on?"

She squeezed his hands reassuringly, and Mac felt himself tear up as he wondered how he was going to tell her the truth: that her best friend had disappeared into the depths of the Institute- unconscious and defenseless, no less- and that it was his fault. Surely, she'd be angry. And, with Von out of the picture, Preston would definitely deliver on his promise to throw him out- Goodneighbor had worn out its welcome and, if he couldn't stay here, he'd have nowhere to go. He needed to support himself and Duncan, but there was no work in the Capital Wasteland and any Minutemen-controlled settlements would be out of the question; Far Harbour was cold and irradiated, and Nuka-World was crawling with Raiders- hardly safe havens for his little boy to grow up in.

"She's gone," he finally managed, deciding that the simplest explanation was the safest. "Vo- er, the General... We were, uh, talking about things; then, she got mad, and now... Now she's on her way to the Institute."

He pointed to the tall thing- some sort of beam emitter?- across the street, which was now a smouldering heap of ash on the ground, and he swallowed a sob as Cait folded him into a protective embrace. "She hates me," he blurted out, the words muffled by her shoulder as he leaned into the hug. "If it weren't for me, she never would have left. If anything's happened to her, I... Oh, Cait. I've failed her. What have I done?"

She said nothing, but it was Preston who spoke next. "That's awful news," he stated matter-of-factly, eyeing the other settlers, who'd begun trickling out of their cabins in response to the commotion. "The Institute is no joke, though the whole reason General Von built that thing was that she believed they had her son. I don't see what any of it has to do with you, Mr. MacCready. But, if there's anything you can tell us that might help get her back, then by all means do."

He shook his head in response, but Cait elbowed him in the ribs. "Tell 'im, Creads," she insisted, her voice wavering slightly. "I know it's not what Von would've wanted, but her life's dependin' on it. So, if ye really... well, I'll let ye say yer piece."

Overcome by nerves, Mac swallowed over the lump in his throat and gripped Cait's hand tighter, as if for strength. "We were close," he admitted finally, blinking as he choked back tears. "And, by that, I mean I was in love with her. I kept it to myself at first, until she helped me take out the jerks who'd been threatening to kill me. It felt right at the time, so we agreed to give it a shot. But she insisted on keeping the whole thing a secret because she wasn't over her dead husband, and we both knew it- she wouldn't tell me she loved me back, and it hurt. So I lashed out at her, and was stupid enough to bring _him_ into it. Now she's gone off to the Institute by herself, and I just... If she knew I was even having this conversation with you guys, she'd kill me. But she's everything to me, and I'll deal with her being angry if it means we get her back."

As he said this, he leaned against Cait's shoulder and watched the others' faces for a reaction of any kind. They were almost as good at hiding their thoughts as Von was, but something in Preston's eyes gave him away. "I see," he replied simply, resting a hand on Mac's shoulder. "That explains a lot about how the General has been handling things lately, as well as the altercation with Paladin Danse. I'm sorry, my friend- I'll see what we can do about getting her back. Until then, you take all the time you need."

"Don't you worry, dear," Mama Murphy added helpfully, clasping one of his hands in her own. "All's not lost. Oh no, not at all. You see, MacCready, the General... she's _alive_!"

She made a grand sweeping gesture with one hand, and Preston rolled his eyes as though he'd seen this many times before. "Not now, Mama Murphy," he warned, wagging a finger at her as he adjusted the hat atop his head. "He's been through enough, and your chem-addled ramblings won't do any go-"

"She's alive," Mama Murphy repeated, ignoring him as she turned to Mac with a crazed look in her eyes. "The Sight never lies, kid, and I can feel General Von's energy- she's out there, and she's afraid. But she loves you. And, if she loves you more than she loves her solitude, she'll come home. I've seen it."

"Don't listen to that shite," Cait interjected, throwing an arm over his shoulder for support as she helped him to his feet. "This ol' bag's so full o' chems that her brains oughta be mush by now, so take anythin' comin' outta 'er mouth fer what it's worth. I wanna believe that Von's safe too, but we're dealin' with the Institute- they're not exactly known fer lettin' folks like us live." 

Mac considered this for a moment as he watched the others' faces. And, while he didn't put much stock in the ramblings of a chem-addicted old bat, he wanted to believe what she was telling him and that Von really would be returned safely to the surface. "Please," he begged, his voice shaking as he braced himself aganst Cait's shoulder. "Mama Murphy, I know there's more. I need you to tell me everything y-"

"That's all I got," she responded, rubbing her eyes dramatically. "I'm tired now, kid. But bring me some chems and maybe we can-"

"No," Preston cut in. "I told you, Mama Murphy- no more chems, and no more taking advantage of folks who need our help. Cait, take Mr. MacCready back to his sleeping quarters- I'll deal wth this mess."

-

There were bright lights, followed by strange whooshing sounds and the impact of a body hitting the cold concrete... All in a day's work for the Institute, except that the aforementioned body was not one of their synths.

Von sat up and rubbed her head, blinking as she tried to find her bearings. She felt a bit dazed, like she'd been run over by a 2077 Corvega Classic, and the light hurt her eyes. But her vision soon adjusted to the brightness, and she could make out a terminal a few feet away from where she lay on the cold concrete. It was far beyond her hacking skills, refined as they were, but she still managed to slip the holotape Sturges had given her ages ago into it. Once she located her son, perhaps she could take back the tape and use it to study the secrets she'd learned.

She wandered down the hallowed halls, listening to the ambient music that played as she made her way to the elevator. So this was the Institute- the hub of scientific and technological advancement, and elusive boogeyman of the Commonwealth that folks aboveground were so afraid of. But the building itself was sleek and modern, and clean-cut people in uniform bustled to and fro- how could something so beautiful possibly be evil?

As she stepped off the elevator, she was greeted by a uniformed scientist whose crisp, white lab coat was as pristine as anything she'd seen before the war. "Stop," he barked, motioning for her to step closer. "Your recall code."

"My what?"

They stared at each other for a moment, confused, and Von studied the man's face intently. He was a stern-looking man, with strong, masculine features and a deep voice that might have scared anyone who wasn't her. His skin was pale and looked more like plastic, and she couldn't tell if he was really a human or not.

"Your recall code," he repeated. "Your name and serial number will work too, in the even that you've forgotten."

_He thinks I'm a synth._

Realizing that she knew nothing about these people, and how she'd be dealt with if they realized she wasn't actually a synth, Von decided to play along. "Oh, that," she answered, shaking her head as though she'd forgotten something very important. "It's V0-N3, I think. Serial Number 0L1V1A."

Silently, she cursed herself for not being able to come up with something better. But, in the heat of the moment, her name had been the only thing she could think of that might pass as a serial number- she had no idea what Institute serial numbers even looked like, after all. But it seemed to appease the stranger for the time being, as he nodded approvingly and waved her on ahead without another word.

She continued down the hallway until she reached a large room with stark white walls. In it, a child sat behind airtight doors with some pre-war toys and an old, tattered teddy bear- his face looked familiar, and she tried to figure out where she might have seen him before. But it was only when he looked up at her that she realized why she recognized him- she'd know those eyes anywhere. They were Nate's eyes, glassy and grey as a winter morning.

_Oh my god. Is that...?_

Suddenly, she was a teenager again, fresh off the plane from London and off to her very first class at CIT. Programming 1101 was well underway, when a boy rushed in, shirt untucked and hair still a mess, about ten minutes late.

_"Nathan Hadley, I presume," the professor, Dr. Richards, had sighed. "How nice of you to grace us with your presence. Take a seat next to Miss von Brandt in the front row. Perhaps her punctuality and respect for my time will rub off on you."_

Of course, it hadn't. Despite her influence, Nate was a terrible programmer and joined the military within months of graduation. But he'd been a wonderful husband and father, a kind man who loved his family and lived to make them happy.

_"Hey! Hey,Olivia!"_

_"It's Von. But what can I help you with?"_

_"Hey, Von- I'm Nathan, but you can call me Nate for short. You're really pretty, and I was wondering... Did you wanna grab a burger with me after class tomorrow? I was thinking we could study for the midterm, since you're the smartest in the class and it's gonna take a miracle for me to even get a passing grade."_

She'd accepted his invite. But, instead of studying, she'd spent the night with him at the campus diner, sharing bottle after bottle of Nuka Cherry and staring into his eyes... The same eyes that now peered back at her from behind that airtight door.

"Shaun? Shaun, is that you?"

She leaned over and pressed her face against the glass, desperately trying to get a better look. There was no way that this child wasn't her son- he had to be. He had Nate's eyes, and her own deep-brown hair. "Shaun," she sighed breathlessly, her voice shaking as she tried to steady herself. "Oh god, Shaun. I've come so far to find you! Mommy's here, sweetheart."

In response, though, the child seemed to panic. "Who are you?" he demanded, his grey eyes widening wth fear. "I don't know you. Leave me alone! Father, help me!"

"Your dad's gone, buddy. But I'm here- Mommy's here now."

But the child- Shaun- continued screaming, waving his hands and frantically shouting for thie mysterious Father person, and Von felt her heart shatter into a million pieces. Her own son, who she'd risked life and limb for, had no idea who she was. Then again, she should have expected it- he'd barely been a few months old when they'd entered Vault 111, so it was unfair of her to expect that he'd know her on sight. Still, it hurt to hear him scream for a parent who wasn't her.

"Tell me, Shaun. Who is Father?"

But then, the child stopped midsentence and froze, seemingly rooted to the spot, as an elderly man made his entrance. "Shaun," he said, gesturing to her with a sweep of his hands. "S9-23, recall code _cirrus_. He's a prototype, and we've only just begun to test the effects of extreme emotions on our synths. As for me, I am Father. Welcome to the Institute."

So this was the man her son had been calling out for. She already hated him, and she didn't bother to disguise it as she stared him down, hands on her hips. "Give me Shaun," she demanded, stepping closer until she was toe-to-toe with the man. "The real Shaun, _right now_."

She hated the way her voice shook when she spoke, knowing how weak and emotional it must have made her seem. But she didn't care enough to hide it- she'd already been through hell on the surface. And, as soon as she had Shaun safely in hand, she'd kill this man where he stood.

"I know," came Father's response, which was so calm and collected that it made her want to rip him apart. "You've gone to such lengths to find him."

"Answers, asshole. Now."

She trembled with anger, the hand resting on her combat rifle just itching to blow the man's head off. But Father silenced her with a knowing gaze-one that again looked familiar but that she couldn't quite place. "I promised answers," he continued, his voice soft and metered as the ocean on a warm day. "And answers you shall have. You have traveled very far, and suffered a great deal. But your tenacity and dedication have been rewarded, and it's an honour to finally meet you, after all this time."

When she looked confused, a look of sympathy briefly flickered over his hardened features. "It's complicated," he went on. "And, as hard as it may be to accept, I suspect that you've figured it out already. I am Shaun- I am your son."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so many feels right now.


	23. Endless Ocean, Endless Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having discovered Shaun and his ties to the Institute, Von struggles to accept the truth she never anticipated or wanted... and wonders if she made a mistake.
> 
> (warning: feels ahead.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _i watch the clouds drifting away,_   
>  _still the sun can't warm my face._
> 
> _i know it was destined to go wrong-_   
>  _you were looking for the great escape_   
>  _to chase your demons away._
> 
> -within temptation, _forgiven_

"I am Shaun. I am your son."

At Father's words, Von felt her blood run colder than the most frigid reaches of Far Harbour. "Bullshit," she spat, although part of her knew that he was telling the truth- he had to be, since he, like the synth child, had Nate's grey eyes."If you really are my son, then please- help me understand. What happened to your father..."

"Was unfortunate," Father finished for her, smoothing his pristine, white coat. "Upon reviewing records of the incident, I can see that what happened to him was merely collateral damage. It was, indeed, a tragedy, but I hope that you'll understand in time that it was necessary... and that you'll give us a second chance because, through science, we are family. The Institute, me... and you."

Von considered the proposal for a moment. Ever since waking from cryostasis, she'd wanted nothing more than for what remained of her family to be whole again. But, after everything the Institute had done, how could she ever be part of it? How many thousands of innocent lives was she willing to trade, for the slightest chance at a future with her own flesh and blood, and could she ever reconcile this version of Shaun with the child who'd been stolen from her?

She thought back to the moral quandary she'd found herself in when "liberating" the vial of Prevent from Med-Tek. She'd chosen one life over the needs of many, though it had seemed right at the time- Mac needed her help, and she would have done anything in her power to-

_No. Oh god, not now._

Truth told, she'd be happy if she never saw his face or heard his voice again. After what he'd said to her, she wondered why she hadn't just paid him off to leave her alone, as she'd initially planned, or turned him over to the Gunners. Perhaps she should have, though a part of her felt guilty for even thinking such things. In the end, it had been her fault- she'd agreed to his suggestion, knowing well enough that she'd never be able to deliver on her half of the deal. A part of her heart still belonged to Nate, and always would- surely, Mac understood that, as he likely still carried a torch for Lucy somewhere in that selfish little heart of his. Still, she'd tried her best to give him what he wanted, but it hadn't been enough, and they were both paying for it now.

She closed her eyes, blinking back tears as she wept bitterly for the reality of it all. She had a tough decision ahead, and she could only choose one: if she saved her Wasteland family, it would mean the death of her son- her only child, for whom she'd put herself in harm's way and spilled more blood than she could ever hope to remember. And, if she sided with Shaun and the Institute, she'd be sealing the fates of every person aboveground that she'd come to know and love. Cait, Preston, Curie, Codsworth... and even Mac, who had been the cause of her greatest pain. Sure, he was an ass, but he didn't deserve to die.

"I'm sorry, Shaun. I can't do that."

As she said it, she watched his face carefully and tried to decipher what his response would be. "I'm sorry too," he replied simply. "But I hope that you'll reconsider. If you'd like, perhaps you can stay here for a few days, just to think things over. It's not every day that such an opportunity presents itself and, once you've had a chance to see the great work we do here, I'm sure you'll agree."

Knowing that her only option was to return to the surface and face the others, Von nodded and followed Father- Shaun- to her new living quarters. Her room was clean and bright, with fresh linens and plumbing that still worked- she couldn't remember the last time she'd had a warm shower or a clean, fluffy towel to dry off with. The food was rad-free, and there was more than enough to feed everyone on her settlements for years, but she didn't touch a single morsel. Instead, she stuffed it into her pack for later and, after the longest shower she'd taken in her life, went straight to bed.

-

_That night, Von had a dream. In it, she was a teenager again, sitting at a booth with Nate at the C.I.T campus diner. The place was dilapidated and looked as though a bomb had gone off inside; there was fire all around, and people were screaming as their bodies were ripped apart by the detonations. Yet she and Nate remained untouched, just sipping their sodas and staring deeply into each other's eyes, as they had on their very first date._

_"Nate," she whispered nervously, her red-painted lips tightening around the straw. "They finally did it- everything's burning, and we're all going to die. I'm afraid, Nate- what am I going to do without you?"_

_Though his lips didn't move, she could hear his voice as clearly as though he'd spoken aloud. "Don't worry, Olivia," she heard him say, as he reached across the table and clasped her hand tightly. "I might be dead, but I'll always be with you. Everything's going to be okay, I promise."_

_She squeezed his hand as tightly as she could and stared at him intently, just in time to see him ripped apart by an atomic blast. But he held her gaze as he disintegrated and, a moment later, his eyes turned from grey to blue. When the dust settled and the last of the flames flickered out, Nate was gone; everything else remained exactly the same, except that it was Mac who sat across the table from her at the campus diner, still holding her hand as though nothing had happened._

_"It's going to be okay," he repeated, echoing Nate's earlier sentiment as he laced his fingers through hers. "Do you trust me?"_

_"With my life."_

_"Then come home. It's stopped raining fire, and everything is safe now, I swear."_

_She reached up and touched Nate's wedding band, which burned red and seemed to sear her flesh. "It hurts," she whispered, her voice breaking as she yanked her fingers away. "It burns, and it's hurting me. Make it stop."_

_In response, Mac reached over and touched her face. His skin was surprisingly cold against hers, and he removed the chain from her neck without even flinching. "There," he said, passing the ring and its chain back to her. "You're safe now. Carry it with you, but you can't wear it or you'll die."_

_"What's that supposed to mean?"_

_"I don't know. But I love you, and I want you to promise me that you'll never wear that thing again. Can you do that?"_

_She thought about it for a moment, then nodded her head in understanding. "I promise," she replied, slipping the ring into her pocket as she let go of his hand. "Will I ever see you again?"_

_"Of course," he replied, pressing his inhumanly cold fingers against her cheek. "It always hurts at first. But I'll walk with you until there are flowers instead of flames."_

Again, she didn't understand what any of it meant. And, when she woke, the pillow beneath her head was soaked with tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor von... so many feels!
> 
> in case it's not obvious, the dream represents a reconciliation between von's two lives (pre and postwar); the fire imagery and the burning ring are symbolic of her old life as a noose around her neck that's keeping her from ever moving forward.
> 
> the song for this chapter is the main one i used while writing, though there are shades of seether/amy lee (broken) in here too.


	24. Orange-Coloured Sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After several days with no word from Von, Mac and the others have begun to fear the worst. But, below the surface, Von has finally made her decision- will she return to her life aboveground, or rise from the ashes as the new face of the Institute?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _and i think about what my life would have been,_   
>  _if you were still here beside me,_
> 
> _and i wonder if you approve of_   
>  _the choices i've made-_   
>  _i'm loving you;_   
>  _i still need you._
> 
> -winter in eden, _cry_

A few days passed, and Von soon came to appreciate the vastness of the Institute. Compared to Sanctuary, which was small and where everyone was on a first-name basis with everyone else, the people here left her alone and let her spend the days deep in thought... just the way she liked it.

She wasn't quite sure why she'd allowed Preston to appoint her the de facto leader of the Minutemen, or why she hadn't protested when he'd given her the title of General. Anyone could see that she was hardly cut out for it- certainly, she'd been a good enough mother to Shaun before the war. But she was an introvert and preferred her solitude over taking responsibility for so many other people. That's why she'd kept her job and returned to work almost immediately after Shaun was born, while Nate had taken leave from the U.S. Army in order to care for their new addition. She was barely able to look after the three of them.. but an entire settlement full of people, all of whom were at least semi-dependent on her for survival? Surely, putting her in a position of leadership was just as ridiculous in theory as it was in practice.

Needless to say, it was a bit of a shock when she woke that morning to a group of men and women in white Institute cloaks standing over her. "Miss Olivia," one of them said, and she bristled at the sound of her birth name- no one called her that without permission, only one of whom she'd extended that privilege to postwar. "Father requests your presence in his office immediately, and he's asked that you wear _this_."

The doctor passed her a crisp white coat that looked almost identical to the ones they were wearing. She accepted, draping it over her vault suit, even though it seemed to weigh as much as a full set of power armour. If her mind was made up about this whole thing, then why did it feel like she was choosing which vital organ she could do without? It reminded her of the dream she'd had some nights ago, in which Nate-slash-Mac had warned her about the ring around her neck. Up until now, she'd considered that a vital organ too- it was all that was left of Nate, of her pre-war life, and had sustained her in her darkest moments thus far. But now, all she could think of was what Mac had said to her in the dream.

_Carry it with you, but you can't wear it or you'll die._

Now, she understood what it had all meant. The burning ring was a symbol of the past she still mourned, a noose around her neck that would keep her from ever moving on... and, if she continued to carry it alone, she'd surely suffocate, consumed by grief. And, since Mac had removed Nate's ring from her in the dream, then perhaps he was the one to help her carry that burden as she took her first steps forward into the uncertain future. She didn't know if she was strong enough to let go of that pain, but she'd have to try.

She was still considering her options when she arrived at Father's laboratory. He'd clearly been expecting her, as he sat at a desk with his hands clasped as he peered at her over his terminal. "Welcome," he said, his tone all business as he motioned for her to sit down. "I trust that you've sufficiently acclimated to life here in the Institute by now, which means that the time has come to make a decision..."

 _Oh god. Not yet._

"...As to who my successor will be."

_Wait, what?_

"Successor?" she remarked, both surprised and relieved that the heat was off her for the time being. "But whatever for? You told me yourself that you _are_ the Institute, and-"

"Exactly," he finished for her, the corners of his mouth seeming to dip downward as he did so. "I am the Institute. It's my whole life's work, and I've worked too hard to let it all die with me. That's why I need a successor, someone who can take over my role after I'm gone from this world."

But Von had stopped listening, her heart thundering in her chest like a jackhammer. "You're dying?" she squeaked, sounding like a child with a head-cold as she tried to gather her thoughts. "Are you serious? All this tech- all this scientific advancement... Isn't there someone in here who can do something?"

In response, he shook his head no. "It is unfortunate, " he answered back. "It's a rare form of terminal cancer- very aggressive and, as such, incurable. But back to why you're here- I know that things aboveground have been hard for you, and that you've come all this way just to find me... I've said before that, through science, we are family. And that's why I want to name _you_ as my successor. When I finally die, I want you to continue my work- make the Institute greater than it's ever been. But that's quite enough from me- will you accept my offer, Mother?"

_Mother._

It was the one word she'd been dying to hear for ages. And, coming from her grown son's mouth, it sounded both strange and beautiful- almost sweet enough to make her do anything he asked. Yet it felt hollow, though that was besides the point: if she was barely in control of the Minutemen, then she was foolish to think that she could ever handle something as large and powerful as the Institute. But Shaun was her son- was it not a mother's duty to put the needs of her children before all else?

_Absolute power corrupts absolutely._

She thought about it for a moment, knowing that the fate of the entire Commonwealth rested on her shoulders. But she could only choose one- was her son's legacy worth more than her friends' lives, and would she be able to live with the consequences?

"No," she finally replied, shaking her head for emphasis. "Find someone else to be your successor, Shaun. I don't want this place."

"Very well," he answered with a sigh. "In that case, I'll give you time to pack your things and you'll have safe passage back to the relay. But remember that, from now on, you are an enemy of the Institute and will be treated as such. Are we understood?"

Barely able to process what was happening, Von agreed to his terms before she could talk herself out of it and headed back to her room to pack. But, as she left, Father picked up the phone on his desk and made a quick call to the head of his security team. "I've got one for you," he whispered, so that people in the hallway wouldn't hear him as the office door clicked shut. "She knows too much. Don't let her leave here alive."

-

It was a warm summer morning in Sanctuary Hills. The settlers were hard at work, and the sunrise was as orange as though the bombs were falling all over again. But a black cloud hung over the settlement, blanketing it in fear and uncertainty- most only knew that their General had been taken in by the Institute several days before; maybe she'd be replaced by a synth double and sent back to kill them all, or perhaps she'd decided to turn them over to whoever was in charge down there. But only a handful knew the truth, and that it was far worse than anyone suspected.

Mac watched the others from his little hut, staring at the contraption Von had built- the one that had taken her away- as if willing it to spontaneously combust. He hated everything it represented- the Institute, Von's departure, and the circumstances surrounding the end of their relationship. If only he'd kept his damn mouth shut, then perhaps she'd still be here- as Mama Murphy had said in her ridiculous prophecy, if Von truly loved him more than her solitude, she'd have been back by now.

He leaned back and took a sip of the vodka that sat beside him. That bottle was one of many he'd gone through, in the time since she'd left- it was how he'd coped with Lucy's passing and, though he knew it was a terrible idea, there was nothing to stop him from drinking himself to death. Cait and Preston had tried bringing him food, and Curie occasionally left purified water or stimpaks on the doorstep, all of which had gone untouched. Without Von, the colour had disappeared from his world- he hadn't slept since she left, and he avoided the root cellar like most people avoided hungry Deathclaws. Everything reminded him of her, just as he'd feared- sunlight burned and, every time it rained, he cursed nature for mocking his despair.

_Oh, Lucy, I wish you were here. You'd know what to do._

For a moment, he thought about what Lucy would have done. She'd probably say that he was being dramatic, tell him to get over himself and consider the effect his words might have had on Von- that telling her to just take off her dead husband's ring was cruel and that he should have just given her the space she needed to work through her issues. But he'd been so sick of her constant need for distance- she needed more space than the entire Commonwealth could give her and, if that wasn't enough, then...

 _You're being a fool, RJ,_ he heard Lucy say, as though she were standing right there beside him in that little room. _You had no right to say those things, and you know it. What if she'd said the same to you- replaced her husband's name with mine? You know I love you, to the stars and back, but this is so much bigger than you._

She'd said something similar once, not long before she died. He'd wished a friend's husband dead, after said husband had fu- run off and spent the night drinking, instead of at home with his family. Ever the even-keeled mediator, Lucy had always endeavoured to understand both sides... and she didn't hesistate to call him out when he refused to do the same.

_Maybe you're right, Luce. Maybe I was hard on her. But I can't change that now- she's probably dead, or joined up with the Institute. And what about the others? Cait lost her best friend, Preston and the Minutemen lost their General, and Codsworth lost his master, after waiting more than 200 years for her to come home, all because of me. How do I live with myself, when I've hurt so many people? Can't I just start over?_

Of course, he'd wait until everyone else was asleep before acting on anything. He didn't want to cause the others more pain and, besides, he'd cheated death so many times already that it only made sense to wipe the slate clean on his own terms. Perhaps he'd turn himself over to the Gunners and serve justice for his treason, or charge a group of super mutants... But they still made him think of Von- her laugh, as they ran away from the suicider that nearly ended them both, or the smile on her face as she rifled through a copy of _Guns and Bullets_ after dropping Barnes like a sack of bricks. Even death wasn't safe from her grip on his soul, and it hurt more than anything in the world. 

Eventually, sleep did come. But, later that night, a siren shrieked through the dark- so loudly that it shook the entire settlement awake. Still drunk from his earlier exploits, Mac shambled out of bed and rushed out into the night. As if by pure luck, he arrived on the scene just in time to hear Curie's next words, which sobered him up immediately.

"Mon dieu!" she cried out. "Come quickly, Monsieur Preston: Ze General 'as returned!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahaha, gotcha! you thought she was going to join the institute, didn't you? :)
> 
> (in case you haven't noticed, i've become rather fond of the little internal conversations that both von and mac have with their respective dead spouses. i find it just adds a whole other layer of emotion to the story, and to their strange 'situationship'.)


	25. Into Each Life, Some Rain Must Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After her escape from the Institute, Von returns to the surface- bleeding and beaten within an inch of her life, but alive. When Mac finds out that she's back, he's not quite sure how to feel... but what happens next is a game-changer for them both.
> 
> (warning: onions ahead!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _if i could begin to be_   
>  _half of what you think of me,_   
>  _i could do about anything;_
> 
> _when i see the way you act,_   
>  _wondering when i'm coming back,_   
>  _i could do about anything-_
> 
> _i could even learn_   
>  _how to love like you._
> 
> -rebecca sugar, _love like you_

"Come quickly, Monsieur Preston: ze General 'as returned!"

Upon hearing those words, Mac took off like a human firecracker and dashed into the crowd, desperately searching for any sign that he wasn't dreaming. He could see, from their hunched-over positions, that Preston and Sturges were moving a body and, from a distance, it looked nothing like Von's. But he knew it was her- he felt it in his core, and a sharpshooter's instinct never lied.

As he drew closer, he could see that their hands were covered in blood, and that more still dripped steadily to the floor from what looked like a gunshot wound that had been torn open. It was clear that she'd been badly injured, and it made his entire body shake with rage- he'd seen Deathclaws show more mercy than the Institute seemed to be capable of, and he wanted to hurt everything that had hurt Von. If he could take even a fraction of it from her, he would. But she'd likely prefer to suffer in silence through the whole ordeal before she'd let him do that... Right up to her dying breath.

"Come now, Madame," he heard Curie say, over the commotion. "I will tend to her injuries, though it will take more than a stimpak to fix this mess. We must get her to the sick bay, tout de suite!"

Combined with his half-drunk state, it was too much too soon for Mac. He took a deep breath and swallowed over the guilt that crashed down on him like a tidal wave. He felt just as helpless as he had when Lucy died, and the mere though of it made his stomach turn with fear; what if Von was close to death, and she died before he had a chance to make things right? If anything happened to her, then he was as good as dead- sure, he had Duncan's feelings to consider, but the little guy barely knew who he was and was well taken-care of... He'd heard nothing from anyone, since the vial of Prevent had left Goodneighbor, so it seemed safe to say that everyone in the Capital Wasteland had forgotten him completely. Before their argument, Von had been the only person who'd have noticed or cared enough to be sad if he died. But, if she was dead herself, then...

_Stop it, Mac. She's not dead yet- hell, for all you know, it's just a scratch and she'll be back in action tomorrow._

But tomorrow came and went, as did the next few days, and there was still no sign of Von. Cait told him to stay out of the way, let Curie do her job and wait for updates like the rest of them; Preston had gone as far as to suggest that, under the circumstances, his presence might upset her and interfere with her recovery. But he was tired of waiting and, now that his hangover had passed, decided to take matters into his own hands.

He waited until early in the evening, when everyone else was asleep or at supper, before finally making his way to the sick bay. The door was closed, but closely guarded by Curie, who glided forward in an attempt to make him leave.

"Curie, let me in! I have to see her!"

His voice was desperate, trembling and about three octaves higher than normal. But Curie shook her head as she waved him away. "I am sorry," she replied simply. "As per my instructions, she will see no one until she has sufficiently recovered from her injuries. She is very badly hurt, and any interruptions can affect her chance of a successful recovery."

"No, you don't understand. You _have_ to let me see her, Curie. I'll shoot my way in, if I have to. Don't make me-"

"I have my orders, Monsieur."

Of course, he knew better to think that he could appeal to the emotions of a creature who wasn't capable of them. Fortunately, though, he didn't have to, as Von poked her head through the door, likely in response to the noise. She still looked to be in rough shape, but Mac's heart skipped a beat as he sighed with relief that she was alive.

"It's all right, Curie," she said softly, her voice breaking slightly as she lifted her head. "I'll be fine. Send him in."

"Very well, Monsieur MacCready. Ze General will see you now."

She stood aside, and Mac wandered into the little room, closing the door behind him as he turned to face Von. She was back in bed now and looked to be asleep, though her eyes fluttered open as soon as she heard him enter. She didn't speak, but he knew that they were thinking the same thing. 

_Where do we go from here?_

"Von," he sighed, trying and failing to keep his composure as her name escaped his lips like a breath of fresh air. "I mean, General- you... you made it! You're alive!"

In response, she glanced down at herself and sighed exhaustedly. "Yes," she answered, still hoarse from whatever had transpired underground. "I'm all here. Not one piece of me got stuck in that godforsaken relay, though the pain could've fooled me into thinking I'd left some vital organ behind."

She tried to sit up, but winced in pain and quickly changed her mind. Her green eyes filled with an otherwordly anguish, though she remained silent, and Mac felt his heart stop as he looked at her. He wanted nothing more than to throw his arms around her and hold her until she couldn't possibly be any closer. but he knew that he shouldn't, at least not yet.

"So... How are you feeling?"

He wondered if she could hear the quiver in his voice as he said it. But, if she did, she certainly didn't give it away. "Fine," she replied, finally managing to pull herself into an upright position. "I'm fine, MacCready. And you?"

"All the better for seeing you."

His words were followed by an awkward silence, and they stared at each other as though they'd just met and were trying to get a read on the other's motives. And that's when he noticed that Von wasn't wearing her husband's ring.

"Uh, General," he stammered, not quite sure whether she'd still allow him to call her by her name or not. "You're, uh, missing something."

When she looked confused, he pointed at her neck, and she nodded. "Yes," she replied finally, dropping her gaze to the floor before raising her head to meet his. "It's in my pocket, and I'll carry it with me for as long as I live. Words don't exist to describe my pain, or my hatred of both Vault-Tec and the Institute. But I have to be strong enough to let it go- if I keep holding onto the way things were, I'll surely die."

"Who told you that?"

"You did," she chuckled briefly, as though at a clever inside joke she'd made with herself. "Well, sort of. But let's just say that it's my promise to you- to all of you, and to this new world we've ushered in. In the time I spent with the Institute, I learned many things- one of them being that I've been an insufferable idiot. Can you ever forgive me?"

Mac nodded his response, relief flooding every fiber of his being as he knelt on the ground beside her. "Of course," he agreed. "But only if you forgive _me_ for being an even bigger idiot. Those things I said- I had no right to put you in that position, and I'm so sorry for everything I-"

But Von silenced him with a knowing look, covering his mouth with her fingers. "It's all right," she replied, slicing cleanly through his words like a knife through flesh. "But none of that matters now. Tabula rasa- literal translation is _blank slate_ , though it's really just a fancy old word for starting over."

As usual, she was intentionally vague. But it didn't bother him this time, since he understood what she'd intended by it. And, if she wanted to start over as badly as he did, then he was willing to do whatever it took to regain her trust.

"So does that mean you're... taking me back?"

As he said it, he felt his internal temperature rise several degrees as every ounce of blood rushed to his face, likely turning it so purple that it wouldn't surprise him if someone mistook it for a mutfruit. It was unlikely that Von would ever lay all her cards on the table in such an obvious way, but she surprised him by nodding her response as her eyes filled with tears. She didn't say anything, but she didn't have to- he had his answer, and it felt as though the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders as he raised his eyes to the sky in silent prayer.

_Thanks, Lucy. I knew I could count on you._

Wordlessly, he leaned over and hugged Von as tightly as he could, without aggravating her injuries. He closed his eyes, as if to fight the tears that pricked the corners of his eyelids, but he knew it was a losing battle and soon surrendered, burying his face in her hair as he held her against his chest. Her heart fluttered in perfect rhythm with his own and, though he couldn't hear it, he could tell that she was crying too. The sobs were so intense that her entire body shook with the force of them, but he knew that her tears were of relief, not sorrow.

"Wait," she croaked, her voice raw and thick with some emotion he couldn't quite read. "There's... there's something I have to tell you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp, there it is, folks! after everything these two have been through, i figured they deserved a little bit of a break before the real fight begins... freakin' onions!
> 
> while i don't care for the original version of the song i used for this chapter, i heard it covered by youtuber annapantsu and promptly died inside because her voice is gold.
> 
> i may as well warn you that the final chapters will be full of feels as this little story nears its end. to everyone who's stopped by to read, comment, or leave kudos on it, thank you so much~ you're the best!
> 
> -esp xx


	26. Set the World on Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff and feels and (super-awkward) sexy time, with an half-assed attempt at plot squished in for good measure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _when it all comes crashing down_   
>  _and it's winter all year round;_   
>  _when the sky is fire-red_   
>  _and the world is just a shelter underground._
> 
> _when there's nothing left to lose_   
>  _and the lost cannot be found,_   
>  _i'll find you._
> 
> -kerli, _i'll find you_

"There's... there's something I have to tell you."

As the words left Von's mouth, she dropped her eyes to the ground, and Mac was just as confused as ever. "What is it?" he asked, his voice still weak with emotion. "If something's on your mind, boss, you just let me-"

"I love you."

For a moment, he was stunned. He had to be dreaming, or somehow still drunk- there was no way that she'd finally said it, at least not if any of this was real. But it _was_ real, and the surge of crimson that coloured her cheeks was proof of that.

"Holy sh- oh god, Olivia..."

He wasn't sure whether she'd still be okay with him calling her by her name. But he didn't care- the only thing that mattered was that she'd finally said it, and just hearing it was all he needed. He was so relieved that he wasn't sure whether to laugh, cry, or maybe both at once- words failed him, threatened to turn into tears every time he tried to speak, though perhaps they were unnecessary to begin with.

"You mean it?" he finally managed, choking on the last word as his breath caught in his chest. "Oh, wow. I just... You have no idea how long I've been dying to hear you say that."

In response, a smile flickered briefly across Von's face, and she blushed as red as a tato plant. "Perhaps not," she said, resting her head against his cheek. "But, if I were to guess, I'd probably say about as long as I've wished I could say it. I wanted to tell you sooner, but loving someone who wasn't my husband just felt... strange. I almost let it slip that day, back at Fort Hagen, but I caught myself before anyone noticed."

_"Yes, Cait's a strong woman, but I love her like a sister. And you... I trust you already know how much I- uh, never mind."_

_She did, too. How on earth did I miss that?_

"Now, you see," Von continued, her voice bringing him back to the present. "It wasn't that I didn't want to tell you. I was just so afraid of disappointing you that I didn't want to get your hopes up, in case I failed. And I did, but it was only when I realized that joining the Institute would mean losing you forever that I knew I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. So there, you have it- I do love you; I suspect I always have, and that you ever doubted that kills me inside."

She bit her lip as a single, silver tear streaked down her cheek, and he instinctively pulled her closer, as if to shield her from the world. "It's okay," he whispered gently, stroking her hair as she snuggled closer. "I never doubted you. I guess it's just been so long that I forgot what it's like to lose someone, and I acted out, like the selfish little kid I've always been. I almost lost you because of it, and I'm sure as h- heck not going to let you go again."

For a moment, they just stared at each other in silent understanding, and Mac swallowed over the sob rising in his throat as he looked at her. Even in her war-weary state, she was gorgeous- sure, her hair looked like a mole rat's nest and the vault suit she'd worn from day one was covered in blood from her various injuries. But her rad-storm-green eyes still glimmered with determination, and it made him want to kiss her until she couldn't breathe. So he did just that, and she responded in kind.

Unlike the first, tentative kiss they'd shared, on that rainy night in the Commonwealth, Von couldn't deny that she wanted this. Heat stirred in her belly as she leaned into his embrace, and she allowed herself to melt into every touch as though it were her first time all over again. His kisses were insistent and demanding, and an electric current shot through her as his fingers twisted into her hair. Even in a sitting position, she could feel her knees turning to jelly, and her entire body shuddered violently as he planted a trail of feathery kisses along her jawline. It still felt strange, but in a good way- sure, he wasn't Nate, but wasn't that the whole point of moving forward?

Though it took energy she wasn't sure she had, she pulled him on top of her and had just started unbuttoning his shirt when he stopped and pulled back, breathless. "Olivia," he sighed, leaning over to kiss her again as she swallowed the sound of her name. "I've wanted to do this to you since... Since forever, I guess you could say. But are you sure you want this? I mean, it's okay if you d-"

"Don't be silly," she laughed weakly, running her fingers across a scar on his chest. "Of course, I want to. All that's stopping me is the vault suit, so shut up and help me get this damn thing off."

It took a few minutes, and some careful maneuvering, but they eventually managed to get Von's vault suit off. In the dark, her hands found his belt and clothes flew everywhere until both were completely naked. Von shifted to one side, to make room for both of them on the tiny mattress, and Mac just gazed at her for a moment, almost unable to believe how perfect she looked: her green eyes seemed to glow, and her dark hair was a stark contrast against the luminescent backdrop of her skin. She was curvy and soft in all the right places, stretched out in front of him like a centerfold in a pre-war magazine. It had been so long since he'd been this close to someone, and he was so in awe of her that he couldn't help but stare as though committing her to memory. At least getting it up wasn't going to be a problem.

"Uh, wrong hole. That's my belly button."

"Shoot. Sorry."

They both laughed nervously, but quickly picked up where they'd left off, and he teased her knees apart with his own before gently slipping into her. Von arched her back and gasped, digging her fingers into his shoulders as she tried to keep from crying out... because, if she did, chances were that everyone would come running and get way more than they'd bargained for.

_Dinner and a show. How, uh, romantic._

She was shaking now, though she wasn't sure if nerves or pleasure or both were to blame, and clawed at the mattress with one hand while grabbing Mac's wrist in the other. She closed her eyes and tried to focus on his breathing, which grew ragged and shallow with every thrust as he tried to keep himself from letting go.

"Holy shit," he blurted out, not bothering to censor himself as he bowed his head to kiss her neck. "You're... god, you're amazing. I'm so hard right now, I could break uranium rocks in a rad storm."

"You don't say," she replied, a nervous giggle escaping her lips as she reached up and stroked the back of his neck, hoping to relax them both somewhat. "In other news, water is wet and another settlement needs our help. But I'm glad to see you've decided to give cursing a try- it's good for the soul."

"Anyone ever tell you you're a terrible influence?"

"Am I?"

Mac nodded his response and made a strange noise that was half-giggle, half-sigh as the first waves of orgasm crashed into him like a tsunami. His entire body went as rigid as a post, then slackened against Von's as he rested his head against her chest. Her heartbeat was steady and relaxed, unlike his own, which was still frantically fluttering like the wings of a bloatfly on Psycho as he struggled to catch his breath.

"Oh wow," was all he could say, panting like he'd just escaped from an entire family of hungry deathclaws . "Well, damn. That was like... what, 2 minutes? Not one of my prouder moments, but it's been four years since the last time I..."

"Four?" came Von's response, sounding out of breath herself as she moved closer and draped an arm across his chest. "Try two-hundred, then we'll talk."

They were silent for a few minutes before Mac finally spoke again. "I'll make it up to you," he vowed, planting a soft kiss on her ear as his breathing slowed to normal. "Once you're up to it, I swear I'm going to bang you like a barn door in a hurricane."

"Is that a promise?" Von asked, her lips curving upward into a smile. Her grin was infectious, and Mac felt it spreading across his own face as he nodded his assent.

"You're damn right, it is."

Too tired to move, put her clothes back, or attempt to hide what they'd been doing from whoever came to check on her in the morning, Von allowed herself to succumb to sleep. She finally felt at peace with the decisions she'd made and, for the first time in forever, she was free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, so the second half of this chapter was super-cringey... i think i even cringed a little as i wrote it lol.
> 
> that said, i wanted their first time together to be realistic. if you think about it, neither of them has gotten any in a really long time, so it only makes sense that things would be awkward and kinda fumbly (is that even a word? 'cause, if it isn't, it should be).
> 
> i know this has been a long time coming (horrible pun intended- poor maccready); perhaps i should change the tags to include 'like stupidly slow burn' or something. also the song for this chapter is super gorgeous and you should all listen to it immediately (because feels).


	27. A War of Our Own

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The feels-fest continues... and Von opens up about her plans to end the Institute, once and for all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _there’s no drink_   
>  _to allay their thirst;_   
>  _'til the world burns,_   
>  _they won’t rest their heads._
> 
> _stay- outside it’s raining fire;_   
>  _stay until the flames die down._   
>  _stay, my love, and fight_   
>  _this war of our own._
> 
> -stream of passion, _a war of our own_

When Von awoke, she was still in the sick bay and could hear the other settlers hard at work as they went about their daily routines. Her vault suit still lay crumpled in a nearby corner, but Mac was gone, and she wondered if, perhaps, she'd imagined the whole thing. But, just when she was starting to question her own sanity, he appeared in the doorway with a can of purified water and his med kit.

"Wake up, sleepyhead," he whispered, giving her a gentle kiss on the forehead as he sat beside her on the bed. "I wanted to be here when you woke up, but you've been out of it for almost a whole day and I was starting to get lonely. Besides, Cait was dying to know how you were doing- she's just finishing up in the garden, but she said she'd be here shortly. How are you feeling?"

"Strange," she replied carefully, her head spinning as she glanced around the room. "In a good way, of course, though it's all very surreal. Did we really...?"

She trailed off, blushing furiously, and Mac smiled to himself as he tilted her chin upward for a kiss. It was the first time he'd ever seen her at a loss for words- her expression was priceless, and he loved knowing that he was the cause.

"We totally did," he answered, winking at her as her face turned even redder. "It was awesome, even though performance anxiety kinda ended things earlier than I would have liked. And you're so cute when you're embarrassed. Did you know that?"

In response, Von rolled over and rested her head in his lap as she peered up at him. "Oh, stop," she replied, her voice shaking like she'd taken a bath in ice water. "When you've been through what I have- the Great War, cryostasis, the Institute relay- the line between dreams and reality gets pretty fuzzy sometimes."

"Wait," he said, looking down at her with a smirk. "Are you saying you've had dreams about us... doing _it?_ "

"And you haven't? God, you're _such_ a little shit. So what if I have? It's not going to make things weird between us, is it?"

"Of course not," he answered, grinning like a kid who'd just gotten away with murder. "So maybe I have. Make that _definitely_ have... which means that you have to tell me what you dreamed about, so that I can, uh, make them a reality."

Von rolled her eyes, but the corners of her mouth kept twitching into a smile until she stopped trying to hide it. "Very well," she agreed, pulling herself into an upright position and hugging the thin blanket to her chest as she rested her forehead against his cheek. "I'll hold you to that."

"Fair enough,", Mac laughed, ruffling her hair as she groaned in protest. "In the meantime, you can hold me however you want."

"Oh wow, that was cheesy as fuck." A girlish giggle escaped her lips as she laced her fingers through his. "I love you, dumbass."

"Shots fired," he teased, tilting her chin upward for a kiss. "I love you too, stupid."

"Aw, c'mon. You two're makin' me sick with all yer mushy love talk."

They looked up to see Cait standing in the doorway. She was carrying a basket filled with all sorts of treats- a sprig of mutfruit, razorgrain bread, a few bottles of Nuka Cola... and some Jet, Hancock's contribution to the care package. "Glad te see yer awake, boss,"she said, sighing with relief as she sat down on Von's other side. "We were startin' te think ye were done fer."

"I thought so too," Von replied, her expression sober for a moment. "They double-crossed me, you know."

In response, Cait's eyes went wide and Mac squeezed Von's hand tighter, as if to give her strength. "Whose face are we breakin'?" Cait asked, and Mac nodded at her as they both leaned in closer. "Only thing better than gettin' pissed is pickin' a fight. Am I right, Creads?"

"Right," he responded, without really thinking as he instinctively pulled Von's body against his. "Whoever did this to you, they'll pay. What happened down there?"

A lump rose in Von's throat, but she swallowed over it and soldiered bravely onward. "The Institute," she said finally, her voice breaking as she recalled everything that had transpired below the surface. "Turns out they had my son after all- perhaps _had_ is an understatement; he's the one running the show."

Cait gasped, and Mac felt his jaw drop open, though he remembered his manners and dutifully closed it as Von continued. "You see," she went on, leaning against Mac's chest for support. "The Institute needed uncorrupted human DNA to create more human-like synths. So, when they found Vault-Tec's records of the experiments in Vault 111, they came and took Shaun- I was unfrozen just long enough to-"

Tears sprang into the corners of her eyes, though she forced herself to keep talking as she gripped Mac's hand even tighter. "I saw the whole thing," she continued, pausing to wipe a stray tear from her cheek. "They shot my husband, stole my son... and I couldn't do anything about it. They used my baby's DNA to create those monsters... While I was down there, Shaun told me that he's dying and he asked me to be his successor. Can you imagine? I said I'd think about it, though I knew from the beginning that I wanted nothing to do with the Institute. When I told him as much, he promised me safe passage back to the relay... and that's when he sent those goons after me. It was everything just to get out of there alive."

By the time she finished the story, Mac's left hand was numb from where she'd all but squeezed the life out of it. But he didn't care- he was too busy imagining how he'd put a bullet between the eyes of every last Institute bastard. Someone was going to pay for what had happened to her, and the look on Cait's face told him that she felt the same way.

"I'm sorry, boss," Cait offered, shaking her head in dismay. "I always hoped ye'd find yer son, but not like this. An' let me tell ye somethin': ye an' I might not be blood sisters, but yer the only family I know. An' I'll do whatever it takes te make this right. No matter the cost."

Mac opened his mouth to say something, but Von silenced him with a knowing look. "I know you would, Cait," she answered softly. "If there's anyone I trust to help me survive this, it's both of you. And that's why I told Shaun I wanted nothing to do with his little vanity project. _You_ are my family- not Shaun, and not those... those _things_ he created. And that's why I want you two with me when I take them down."

At this, both Cait and Mac sat up straight, mouths agape and eyes as wide as dinner plates. "Wait," Mac cut in, grasping both of her hands in his as he turned to look at her. "So you want to take the fight to the Institute, and kill your own son... Olivia, that's... that's suicide! I can't let you do that. I forbid it."

"No one forbids me anything," she replied stubbornly. "Either you join me or you stay here and take care of the settlement, though I'd much rather you be where I can see you. Those are your options."

Mac sighed, his heart dropping into his stomach. He knew it was useless to try and talk her out of something she'd made up her mind to do. But killing her own son was out of the question- if he were in Von's shoes, could he bring himself to kill his own flesh and blood? Even if Duncan were to become a monster, on the same scale that Shaun had, he'd still have a hard time shooting him. Would he have had the mental fortitude to refuse his only child?

"There _has_ to be another way, boss. This is your son we're talking about- you can't just kill him like some wild dog."

"What choice do I have, Robert? It's a matter of life and death- either Shaun dies, or we all do."

It was the first time she'd ever called him something other than _MacCready_. No one had called him by his name since Lucy died and, while it sounded strange coming from Von, it meant that she cared and was no longer concerned with keeping up appearances. Yes, he was aware of her fear that affection meant weakness- that's why, up to now, she'd insisted on keeping their whole relationship a secret. But, as far as he was concerned, it was one of her greatest strengths. She'd given him second chances that he knew he didn't deserve, and she loved him- not in spite of his past, but because of it. And, if he didn't help her take down the Institute, it would undermine that love, as well as the faith she obviously had in him.

"You're right, boss. Count me in."

Cait nodded her approval, giving them both a thumbs-up as she prepared to make her exit. "I'll spread the word," she added helpfully. "I'll talk te Preston, n' the Railroad... Maybe those Brotherhood bastards'll even lend their fancy flyin' airships to the cause if we play our cards right. An' fer fuckssakes, Von- put on some goddamn clothes before ye freeze yer arse to death."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooooohhhh, shots fired!


	28. Institutionalized

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Under Von's leadership, the Minutemen join forces with the Railroad and the Brotherhood of Steel to take down the Institute. Mayhem ensues.
> 
> (all-out war, part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _many stand against us,_   
>  _but they will never win-_   
>  _we said we would return_   
>  _and here we are again_
> 
> _to bring them all destruction,_   
>  _suffering and pain._   
>  _we are the hammer of the gods-_   
>  _we are thunder, wind and rain._
> 
> -manowar, _warriors of the world united_

With Cait's help, word of Von's master plan to take down the Institute spread around the settlement like wildfire. Desdemona and Elder Maxson both agreed to lend their troops to the cause, and many of the settlers, some of whom had never even held a gun before, volunteered out of respect for their fearless leader. Mayor Hancock sent food, medical supplies, and other provisions by caravan from Goodneighbor, and people travelled to Sanctuary from all corners of the Commonwealth to aid in the fight.

As far as most people knew, the General of the Minutemen was dead, having succumbed to her injuries- at least that's what Piper had written in the latest issue of Publick Occurrences, in hopes of throwing the Institute off their trail. Preston and Danse were on crowd-control duty, and groups of settlers were posted at nearby guard stations to keep an eye out for any trouble. From her perch on the roof of a nearby house, Von- in her General's uniform- surveyed the scene and glanced nervously at both Mac and Cait, who stood on either side of her, as she prepared to make her announcement.

"Listen up, everyone," she began, her voice lodging in her throat as she thought about the carnage still to come. "Brotherhood soldiers, Railroad freedom fighters, fellow Minutemen, and friends... We are on the verge of a new world- a world that's free from the tyranny of the Institute. But freedom is not free. Everything has its price, and this war will cost us more than we're willing to pay. But it must be fought, for the greater good."

She was shaking now, and Mac sensed her trepidation. He reached over and took her hand, expecting that she'd reprimand him for such a public display of affection, but she didn't: instead, she returned the gesture and kept talking, using her free hand to address the crowd below. "Look around you," she continued, her voice rising in volume and intensity as she motioned for them to do just that. "Look to your left, and to your right. Both of those people will be dead by tomorrow; But, for today- whether you're a Brotherhood knight, Railroad agent, Minuteman, or none of them- they are your brothers and sisters in arms. Today, we are one. And today, we go to war! Who's with me?"

In response, the crowd roared, and Von raised one fist into the air. Everyone else followed suit, and the air was filled with enthusiastic battle cries from the people below, though the whoops were quickly drowned out by the blades of Brotherhood veritbirds that were landing nearby. As the throng dispersed, Von and her friends made their way down from the roof, and she waited until Cait had left to talk to Preston before pulling Mac aside.

"Listen," she said matter-of-factly, as she fished through the pocket of her uniform. "If I don't make it ba-"

"Stop it, Olivia. Don't say that. You and me, we're gonna make it outta there just fine, you understand?"

But Von shook her head in response, knowing better than to agree to terms she had no control over. "I can't promise that," she went on, clasping his hand tightly in hers. "But I can promise that, if I do make it back, we'll leave this place behind and find somewhere new to call home. This is no longer my sanctuary, but we'll make a new one that's far away from here, untainted by the shadows of what's already come to pass. Until then, however, I want you to have _this_."

As she said this, she produced Nate's wedding band from her pocket and slid it off its chain before placing it in his hand. Mac stared at it for a moment, turning it over and over in his hands as it glinted in the sunlight. "Oh, wow," he sighed, giving her a gentle kiss on the forehead as he slipped the gold band onto his thumb- the only place it would fit, since Von's late husband had obviously been a behemoth by comparison. "I suppose I should thank you, though it doesn't feel like enough after everything you've already done for me. Maybe, once this war is over and I've repaid a fraction of my debt to you, I'll stop feeling so guilty about constantly taking when I should be giving."

"Nonsense," Von answered as she leaned closer and rested her forehead against his cheek. "Say what you will about keeping things even, but you don't owe me a thing. Anything I've ever done, however misguided, has been because I love you... and that will never change. But don't do this for me: do it for your son, so that he might one day know a different world from the one the Institute has corrupted."

She glanced around one more time before gesturing to the vertibird behind her. "Ride with me," she insisted as she signalled for Cait to rejoin them. "There's a secret entrance to the Institute through an old drainage pipe near the C.I. T. ruins, and I've asked the pilot to drop us off at the old police station that the Brotherhood uses as its headquarters. The pipe's only a short walk from there, and staying out of the main combat area increases our chances of making it in undetected. Now, let's go- we have a war to fight."

Combat rifle in hand, she turned on her heels and headed for the vertibird, but Mac grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back. "Olivia, wait," he practically shouted, over the roar of the chopper blades. "I love you!"

"I love you too."

They stared at each other in silence for a moment before he pulled her into a hug and kissed her, hard. He wanted to remember this moment- everything, from how his arms encircled her waist, to the softness of her skin and her lips pressed against his- and he wanted her to remember it as well, just in case one of them didn't make it. He wouldn't, couldn't picture her dead- it just seemed wrong somehow, like a Deathclaw dancing through a field of fever blossoms. And he knew that he'd never survive losing her- after everything he'd been through already, he needed Von to come out of this alive.

_Lucy... Or Nate, or Atom, or whoever's listening... Keep an eye on her for me. Make damn sure she gets out of there, would you?_

He watched Von get into the the vertibird, then climbed into the back seat beside Cait and gave her a quick salute as they manned the miniguns on either side of the aircraft. He barely had time to fasten his seatbelt before liftoff but, as they ascended, he glanced up at the sky and and closed his eyes, wishing that the sunlight could somehow absolve him of his past indiscretions.

_See, Luce? I'm a soldier now. And I'll make you proud, I promise._

-

Moments later, the vertibird landed at the police station. Von dismounted from the aircraft and motioned for Mac and Cait to follow her as she headed towards the old drainage pipe. The sights and sounds of war were everywhere- Brotherhood gunships hovered overhead, and armoured knights were on the ground, firing on any Institute personnel they could see; the Railroad had organized a creeping barrage, and a handful of Minutemen charged into the fray, one of the settlers having assumed command of the group. The smell of gunpowder mingled with those of blood and burning flesh, and Von had to duck as a severed head flew past her- she didn't know, or want to know, whose it was, but it didn't really matter. For the moment, her priority was getting into the Institute, so that she could teleport Preston in to help.

They each downed a container of Rad-X and wandered through the tunnel for several minutes before reaching a secret room with three Institute synths. After shooting one each, they headed deeper into the tunnels, which led directly into the sewers below C.I.T. Though the Rad-X was helpful at mitigating some of the effects, the rads still made them queasy, and the whole place reeked of death and decay... which probably meant that there were feral ghouls nearby. There was a distinct aroma of rotting flesh and, while he was still deathly afraid of ghouls, Mac hoped that they'd see one just so he could blow its head off- finally some justice for Lucy, after all this time... That was, if the smell didn't kill them first.

"Ugh, gross. I hate getting wet, and that's just about the worst thing I've ever smelled in my entire life."

"Smells just like the bathroom after Salisbury steak night."

"Not helping, Cait."

As they reached the next set of tunnels, Von entered first; Cait followed her, and Mac stayed behind with his sniper rifle, keeping an eye out for anything that might be following them as they made their way into the depths of the drainage pipe. 

"Careful," Von whispered, gesturing around them. "We're in Institute territory now, so we need to stay on top of our game. If shit goes south now, the entire mission's a failure, so just fucking run if you value your lives. In the meantime, keep your eyes peeled for-"

"Feral over here! Get down!"

Fortunately for Mac, Von seemed to sense how badly he wanted to avenge Lucy's death and she let him kill the ghouls that barrelled toward them like demonic toddlers sent straight from the depths of hell. He was also relieved when she didn't make him loot the bodies, since she also seemed to know that she was the only one able to stomach the grisly task: Cait cringed, and Mac covered his eyes- and nose, and mouth- as he resisted the urge to throw up.

"Oh man, that's gross. You're not touching me until you've washed your hands at least 10 times."

In response, Von looked up from the corpse she was currently looting. With a straight face, she extended her arms and wiggled all ten fingers- which were dripping with blood and radioactive goo and whatever else ghouls were made of- in his direction. He recoiled in disgust, which caused her to break into a smile, and she covered her mouth with her sleeve to keep from laughing. Cait joined in, and Mac figured that he may as well laugh at himself; it _was_ , after all, rather amusing that he- a guy who shot people for a living and had been covered in more guts and brains than he could ever hope to quantify- was this grossed out by a feral ghoul.

_Oh, the things I do for love._

They walked for a few minutes, stopping only when Von signalled with her left hand in the air. "All right, you two," she said softly as she turned to them with a meaningful glance. "On your guard, and do exactly as I tell you from this point forward. We're here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> blood and guts and feels... oh my!


	29. War Never Changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All-out war, part 2... blood and guts abound, with a few feels thrown in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _though this might just be the ending_   
>  _of the life i held so dear,_   
>  _but i won't run-_   
>  _there's no turning back from here._
> 
> -within temptation, _stand my ground_

Eventually, Von, Mac, and Cait made their way through the maze of tunnels and into a strange-looking room with a terminal: the one Von had landed in when she'd first arrived in the Institute. She walked up to the console, pressed a few buttons, and inserted a holotape- the machine thrummed to life and a bolt of blue light crackled through the room. And, when the smoke cleared, Preston and a small band of twenty uniformed Minutemen stood beside them, weapons in hand.

"General," Preston greeted Von, saluting her as he clasped one hand over his heart. "Cait, Mr. MacCready... So this is the Institute. They could've just held out down here forever. Why'd they need to come mess with us?"

"Doesn't matter," Von replied, patting her shotgun as she returned the salute. "What matters is that they're going to pay for what they've done."

"That, they certainly will," Preston agreed. "In any case, here we are. No turning back now."

He fished through his pocket for a moment before handing her a small device that looked a bit like a bottlecap mine. "You're gonna need this," he went on. "It's a fusion pulse charge. Attach it to the reactor, and we can detonate it remotely- it'll trigger an explosion so big that it'll destroy everything the Institute has ever built. Just make sure we give the civilians a chance to escape before we blow the place: we're not here to commit mass murder. But we'd better hurry- they're gonna realize what's going on if we take too long. Sturges, stay here and make sure this thing's ready to go when we get back."

Von nodded, and she motioned for Mac and Cait to follow her as all twenty-four of them headed deeper into the building. They entered the old robotics room, and Von used her hacking skills to disable the laser turrets from an old computer- no sooner had she cracked the code, a shot rang out and she turned around just in time to see someone's head explode into a cloud of red mist.

"We've got company," Preston declared, as the rest of the group scrambled into position. "Let's do this, General."

Still reeling from what they'd just witnessed, Von tried not to think about it as she and her surviving crew dashed into the fray, guns blazing. They fired as quickly as they could, leaving chunks of scrap metal and smouldering plastic in their wake, synth components joining the bodies of her comrades on the cold floor. By the time the group made it to the lower level, only seventeen of them remained and it was too dark to see if Mac, Cait, and Preston were still among them. Von's heart raced at what felt like hundreds of beats per minute and, when she touched her cheek, her fingers came away slick with blood- someone's weapon must have clipped her in the face at some point during the battle, though whose weapon had inflicted the wound was anyone's guess.

Thankfully, the bioscience lab was well-lit, and she was relieved to note that all three of her friends were still alive- a small comfort, in the grand scheme of things, but a comfort nonetheless, in that it allowed her to refocus on the task at hand. There weren't as many people in this area, which allowed all but one of Von's group to make it into the atrium, unscathed. But they were met with heavy resistance and even heavier fire as the scientists and their synths attacked. Body parts, both organic and mechanical, flew all over the place, making it hard to see, but Von and her crew kept right on firing, just hoping that none of their own would get caught in the crossfire.

"General, look out!"

A synth head flew in Von's direction, but she used it as a projectile and kicked it right into an Institute scientist's face- so hard, in fact, that it stuck there and, when the scientist tore it off, took a chunk of his skin with it. The scream was unlike anything she'd ever heard before, but she tried to stay focused on what was going on around her: in a nearby corner, Cait grappled with a courser; a few steps from her, Mac had a shotgun rammed down someone's throat, and Preston was using his laser musket to bludgeon a synth that had grabbed one of the other Minutemen. It was utter madness and, when a Brotherhood knight in a full suit of power armour and the synth he'd been fighting crashed down from some unseen location above, Von barely had time to get out of the way- crisis averted, she looked up just in time to see an entire group of synths shooting at her and, thinking quickly, used the scientist whose face she'd obliterated as a human shield.

"Fuck you," she spat as she tossed the now-lifeless body aside. "Right in your sorry ass!"

She'd lost track of her friends after the Brotherhood knight- who had just ripped off one synth's arm and was now beating another to death with it- had entered the melee. But she could still hear them, which was enough reassurance for the time being.

"It's party time, eh," Cait shouted as she punched the courser square in the jaw. "How's it feel te get yer arse kicked by a girl?"

"Ask this guy," Von called back as she ripped off someone's arm- not caring if it was a human or a synth- and shoved it into his mouth. "He's an expert on the subject. Too bad he's busy dying."

By the time the battle in the atrium ended, the ground was littered with bodies and only eight of Von's group- Cait, Mac, Preston, four Minutemen, and the General herself- remained. All of them were covered in blood and most were injured: Von's earlier wound was still bleeding, Preston's hat had a bullet hole in it, and Mac was sporting a gash that stretched all the way from the innermost corner of his left eyelid down his cheek, thanks to a flying synth appendage that had hit him in the face; Cait had a black eye, and one of the surviving Minutemen was missing a finger on her right hand. The Brotherhood knight, whose spectacular entrance they'd capitalized on, was also alive and looked to be unscathed until he removed his helmet, under which his nose had been completely caved in.

 _Nothing the Mega-Surgery Centre can't fix,_ Von thought to herself as she gathered the remaining survivors and led them toward Shaun's quarters.

-

Several minutes and flights of stairs later, Von and her team burst through the door of Shaun's room. She'd expected some resistance here, though it appeared that everyone had abandoned their posts and were either dead or had fled the area to save their own skins; the only one still here was Shaun himself, who looked to be asleep but sat up as soon as he heard movement.

"Mother," was all he said, looking straight at her. "I didn't expect to see you again. Tell me, under what righteous pretense have you justified this atrocity?"

In response, Von bowed her head solemnly before looking him straight in the eye. "I'm sorry," she replied simply, matter-of-factly. "I never wanted it to be this way, but it's for the greater good. The Commonwealth deserves to determine its own fa-"

"Spare me," Shaun replied, cutting her off midsentence. "You've spent time up there, and we both know it's doomed. But none of that matters now. The only question left is why you're standing here- is it regret, or have you come to gloat?"

Von thought about the question for a moment. Perhaps it was a bit of both, but he was right- none of it mattered now. And so she kept her opinion to herself, settling instead on what seemed like the right thing to do.

"Shaun, if you help me, fewer people will die. Will you?"

In response, Shaun glared at her, his grey eyes- Nate's eyes- filled with indignation. "Why?" he demanded. "And don't even try using the family card to guilt me into it. You had your chance to help me, and you cast me aside instead. Why would I ever consider helping _you_ destroy everything I've built? All our work, laid to waste..."

Von hesitated, but her companions' unspoken reassurance was all she needed to compose herself. "Help me," she repeated, her voice calm and clearly at peace with her decision. "If you do, we can try and minimize the casualties in all of this. You want your people to survive, don't you?"

"Very well," Shaun answered with a sigh, as it dawned on him that he was on the losing end of these negotiations. "The terminal behind me... Enter access code 9003. That will disable some of the synths. Now go- get out of here before I change my mind."

Von hurried over to the terminal and entered Shaun's code, using it to override the lockdown. Once she'd issued the evacuation order, as she'd promised Preston she would, she motioned for the group to follow her and left the room without ever looking back.

-

As they neared the reactor chamber, Von and her team found that they encountered considerably less resistance, as most of the remaining Institute personnel had already fled- save for a few loyal ones, who would ultimately go down with their rapidly-sinking ship. With no time to put on the hazmat suit she carried in her pack, Von downed as many containers of Rad-X as she could stomach, then headed into the reactor. The rads made her nauseous, but she steeled her nerves and swallowed over the vomit rising in her throat as she tried to focus long enough to get the fusion pulse charge in place.

"Got it! Come on, guys- let's blow this joint!"

She made her way down from the reactor and took a healthy dose of Radaway as Preston ordered the survivors out, then followed them back to the room they'd entered from. "Fire it up, Sturges," she commanded, making eye contact with her remaining companions. "Get us out of here."

"Hang on a minute," came his response. "Some kid just showed up. Says he's the General's son."

"Mother, please- take me with you! Don't leave me here to die!"

When she looked for the source of the voice, she was surprised to see the synth Shaun standing there- the same one she'd seen when she'd first arrived, before she'd figured out that he wasn't really her son. "You're not my son," she answered, perhaps more coldly than she'd intended. "My son is dead, and I'm not your mother. Whoever told you that is lying."

"No one told me," Shaun- synth Shaun- protested pleadingly. "You're just saying that so you can leave me here and not feel bad about it!"

For a moment, Von found herself torn. Of course this thing wasn't her son- anyone with a brain cell could see as much, but did it, or he, really deserve what she knew was coming?

"Come on, Olivia. We can't leave him behind- he's just a kid."

She felt Mac's hand on her shoulder, and she turned around to look at him. "We _have_ to take him," he insisted, tugging on her hand like a little kid who wanted to keep trick-or-treating despite it being well past his bedtime. "It's not his fault. He didn't ask for any of this- how can you just leave him here to die?"

He sounded almost like he was going to cry, and Von knew that he was probably thinking of Duncan, which explained his emotional ties to what was happening. "Fine," she agreed, conceding defeat. "Take it- him- to the Railroad HQ and let them figure it out. I want nothing more to do with any of this. Sturges, get us out of here."

"Sure thing, General," Sturges replied with a salute. "I'll send you and your friends to the detonation site, and the last of us'll take the kid back to Desdemona before she and her crew leave Sanctuary. Now, hold onto your hats, ladies and gentlemen- shit's about to get real."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> was gonna have von leave synth shaun behind, but good guy mac wasn't having any of that shit lol.
> 
> also, if you're looking for good battle music, i listened to "united we stand, divided we fall" and "to glory", both composed by two steps from hell. seriously, go check them out: they're badass.


	30. Rebuild, Renew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the Institute's reign of terror draws to a close, Von and company prepare to return home. Also feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _i sing to life_   
>  _and to its tragic beauty-_   
>  _to pain and to strife,_   
>  _all that dances through me._
> 
> _the rise and the fall,_   
>  _i lived through it all._
> 
> -josh groban & the corrs, _canto alla vita_

There was a zapping noise and, a few minutes later, Von and what was left of her group were on top of the Mass Fusion building- the tallest building in the Commonwealth that had survived the great war. And, just outside of the executive suite was a big red button... the one that would bring about the end of the Institute, her son, and all the horror that both had wrought on the innocent people just trying to live in peace.

"Go on, General," Preston urged, gesturing toward the button. "You know what you have to do."

Von nodded her response, then closed her eyes and, before she could talk herself out of it, slammed her hand down onto the button. At first, there was only silence as the group held their breaths in collective anticipation. Then came the explosion and, just like that, it was all over.

_I can feel it wash over me: the heat, the force, radiation... the fear._

_It's the end of the world, all over again._

"Holy shit!" Preston exclaimed, jolting her out of her trance. "That was one hell of a bang, wasn't it? So the Institute is destroyed... it's finally over. You did issue the evacuation order, right?"

Von didn't answer right away, instead trying to catch her breath as she allowed the reality of what she'd done sink in. The Institute was indeed destroyed, and her son- her only child, her last link to the past and only remaining connection to Nate- along with it. She wished that there had been another way, but she'd done what she needed to do, in order to ensure the survival of everyone she'd come to know and love.

_I close my eyes, and I see my life before all of this. Before the bombs. Everything can change in an instant, and the future you plan for yourself shifts, whether or not you're ready. At some point, it happens to all of us."_

"General?"

"Sure," she replied, disguising the quiver in her voice with a laugh. "I mean yes, we gave everyone a chance to get out. I hope as many innocent people as possible were able to escape."

It was obvious that Preston hadn't picked up on her distress. Or, if he had, at least he had the decency not to say anything out loud. "Good," he replied emphatically, tipping his hat in her direction. "I hate that we had to do that, but they left us no choice. It was war."

_This was not the world I wanted, but it was the one I found myself in: the Commonwealth- my home, ripped apart and put back together._

"...But it's not all sunshine and rainbows from here," she heard Preston say, over the chaos and noise in her head. "I don't want to minimize what we've accomplished here today. The Institute was our most insidious threat, and they kept us divided for centuries. But there will always be threats, and our job is far from over. So enjoy your victory, General- it'll be time to get back to work soon enough."

He turned and headed toward the elevator, leaving Von alone with her thoughts once more. Behind her, Cait and Mac whispered amongst themselves- maybe they didn't know how to talk to her anymore, or how to react, now that she'd gone from being General of the Minutemen and leader of the free world to The Woman Who Murdered Her Son and Destroyed Humanity's Best Hope For The Future, all in a matter of hours. But that fear was soon forgotten, as they both approached her once more.

"I guess that's the end o' that," Cait said finally, moving to her best friend's side and resting a hand on her shoulder. "No more Institute holdin' us hostage. Helluva job ye did there, boss. Helluva job, eh Creads?"

"Right," Mac responded, taking a seat on some nearby cartons to Von's right. "Looks like that closes the book on the Institute. I can't believe we- I mean, you- actually did it. You okay?"

Von sighed and shrugged her shoulders as she stared across the Commonwealth at the smoke and fire- the smouldering wreckage that, just moments ago, had been her son's legacy. "Depends on how you define _okay_ ," she replied, settling for the simplest and most honest explanation. "I spent all this time looking for Shaun, only to lose him all over again. I really wish that there'd been another way, but I did what I had to do. It wasn't an easy call, and it'll be a long time before I'm at peace with some of the choices I made. So many lives lost... But maybe those of us left behind can finally start to rebuild, pick up the pieces and move on."

She felt a sob bubbling in her cheat, threatening to burst forth like a tsunami, and tried to cover it with a laugh. But the others saw right through it, and they both hugged her as tightly as they could. "I'm sorry," Mac said, cradling her head against his chest as he stroked her hair. "I didn't want you to have to go through that again. I know I can't give you back your family, and that the road ahead will be long. But I've got you, and I plan on walking this earth with you until the day I die."

"Bet it feels good te hear that," Cait added, clasping both of Von's hands tightly in her own. "I'm here for ye too. And, if y'ever need anything, even if it's just te talk, ye just let me know. But it's been a long day- I'll be over here."

She headed inside, leaving Mac and Von by themselves, and they just stood there in silence for a moment as the sky darkened around them, the moonrise all but obscured by smoke. "Hell of a view," Mac said finally, brushing a stray tear from Von's cheek with his thumb. "The stars sure are bright tonight, and they're almost- I repeat, _almost_ \- as gorgeous as you."

"I bet you say that to every girl who blows something up."

She laughed softly, and Mac smiled to himself, relieved to hear her sound like herself again. "You're something else, Olivia," he replied, pulling her closer. "You're strong, you're beautiful... And I don't know what kind of karma I cashed, but I definitely don't deserve someone as good as you."

"Oh, stop," Von teased, snuggling closer. "You put up with my shit for longer than most people would have- I wouldn't have blamed you a bit if you never spoke to me again after some of the things I said... rather, I didn't say. But I felt that I wasn't worth it, that I didn't deserve happiness. And that's why it took me so damn long to-"

Mac silenced her with a kiss, and a surge of emotion washed over him as he held her closer. "It's okay," he answered, dropping his voice to a whisper so that she wouldn't hear the quiver in it. "It doesn't matter how long it took to say it. What matters is that you did, and that the day you told me you loved me was the greatest day of my life. And I'm not just saying that because you saved the world- I mean, yeah, you _did_ save the world, and you did a damn good job- but you also saved me... from myself."

In response, Von said nothing but leaned against his chest as she stared up at the sky, and it was several minutes before she spoke again. "I wonder," she mused, pointing up at a particularly-bright star. "I've never believed in God, or Atom, or any of that religious mumbo-jumbo, but maybe that's where we go when we die. Maybe Nate and Lucy are up there, and they're looking down at us. Do you ever wish she was still alive- that she was here with you, instead of me?"

The forwardness of her question caught him off-guard, and he wasn't really sure how to answer. For all the times he'd wished Lucy back, he was no longer the person he'd been when she died. And, while he knew he'd always miss her, he wouldn't trade the time he'd spent with Von for anything in the world.

"No," he responded carefully, making sure to look her in the eye as he said it. "I mean, I miss her to death, and she'll always have a place in my heart- just like Nate will, in yours. But that time has come and gone- that was the past, and _you_ are my future. You're all that matters to me now."

A few more minutes passed in silent understanding before they turned to face each other. "It's getting late," Mac said finally, taking his hat off and placing it on Von's head. "We've got a long walk ahead of us- Cait's probably feeling like a third wheel, and I'll bet everyone at Sanctuary can't wait to see you. What'd'you say we get out of here and find ourselves some more trouble?"

"Sounds like a plan," Cait called from the executive suite, where she'd been rummaging through the desks left behind. "But don' worry. I'll drink both yer sorry arses under the table n' hold yer hair- or yer hat- while yer prayin' te the porcelain god. What else are friends for?"

She produced a bottle of wine and three shot glasses from her pack and poured one for each ot them. "I propose a toast," she declared, with a grin. "Te friendship, love, n' me best friend savin' the world. I'll drink te that any day."

Mac nodded his agreement. "To second chances."

"To us," Von added, and Mac noticed that she looked up at the sky again as they clinked glasses. "But let us not forget the ones who've gone before. We'll never forget their sacrifices- they died as heroes, and we'll tell their stories in the dark of the night... for warmth, and for courage."

-

 _I thought, I hoped, that I could find my family- cheat time, make us whole again... the way we were. But now, I know- I know I can't go back. I know the world has changed, that the road ahead will be hard. But, this time, I'm ready, because I know war..._

_War never changes._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no more institute, yay woo!
> 
> i adore josh groban and this song- the rest is in italian, though the verse i used up top is the only one that's in english... if you understand italian even a little bit, give it a listen (or use google translate) and you'll understand why i picked it for this chapter.
> 
> ("we'll tell their stories...courage" is a line from another video game i love; though the context is different, i thought it fit perfectly here.)


	31. Atom Bomb Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Von and friends return to Sanctuary to celebrate their victory (and by 'celebrate', I mean get super drunk). Mac delivers on his promise to "make it up to" Von, this time with success (and minus the cringey teenage awkwardness).
> 
> (This chapter should have been called "Wasteland Wasted: Mostly Just Smut".)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _and i would be the one_   
>  _to hold you down,_   
>  _kiss you so hard_   
>  _i'd take your breath away;_
> 
> _and, after, i'd wipe away the tears-_   
>  _just close your eyes, dear._
> 
> -sarah mclachlan, _possession_

When Von, Mac, and Cait returned to Sanctuary, there was a party already in the works. Everyone was wearing suits and dresses, the settlement had been decorated with various flags- one each for the Minutemen, the Railroad, and the Brotherhood of Steel- and there were colourful lights draped everywhere. Over in the corner, Deacon had set up a makeshift bar and was helping Codsworth serve drinks to the settlers who were lined up down the block; several people carried around trays of drinks, and it wouldn't have been a real party without Hancock, who was hanging out by the soda fountain and sharing his stash of Jet with anyone who passed by.

"Well then," Von remarked casually, turning to look at the others. "Don't know about you two, but I'm feeling a tad underdressed and I'm probably still covered in ghoul guts. Speaking of ghouls, I seem to recall someone insisting that I wash my hands ten times, so I've got my work cut out for me."

Once they'd all bathed and gotten dressed, the three of them met up in front of the dining area. Von was almost unrecognizable in her sparkly red cocktail dress, her hair pinned back in an elegant chignon, and both Mac and Cait nearly walked right past her until she called out to them, waving them over to her position.

"Oh, wow," Mac sighed, once he caught sight of her. "Is that really you in there, boss? You look... beautiful! Not that you weren't already. It's just... I don't think I've ever seen you without that vault suit on."

"Nice save," Cait teased as she produced a bottle of vodka she'd "liberated" from Mass Fusion. "Next time, jus' quit while yer ahead. But he's right, Von. That dress was made fer ye."

In response, Von just laughed. "All right then," she said, taking the bottle from Cait and letting its contents burn her throat as she swallowed what she could. "I hereby proclaim you king and queen of flattery. Not that I was looking, but hey- it's nice to know that I've still got it, after all this time."

"Well, you've definitely got whatever _it_ is to spare."

Cait rolled her eyes. "C'mon now," she said, taking her bottle back and gulping back as much as would fit in her mouth. "I can take a hint. Gives me an excuse te find out more about that mayor friend of yers, just in case I decide te go ghoul tonight."

She downed the rest of her vodka bottle and, with a quick wave, headed off to roam the party on her own. Mac watched her leave and, now that he had Von to himself again, slid an arm around her waist as he pulled her in for a kiss. Sure, he didn't mind Cait hanging around, though he preferred not to share.

"Well, hello, beautiful," he declared as he leaned over to whisper in Von's ear. "That dress is gorgeous on you, but it'll look good on the floor of the root cellar too."

He slipped his fingers through hers and kissed her again, this time with as much passion as he was capable of, smiling to himself as she blushed profusely. "Stop it," she insisted, though only halfheartedly. "Everyone's watching!"

"Then let them watch. I love you, and I want everyone to know it."

Von smiled her acknowledgement and waved over one of the makeshift bartenders. "Very well," she replied, taking a bottle of wine and opening it without letting go of Mac's arm. "If that's the case, then we may as well celebrate. Lord knows the last time I went to a good party was years ago- one of Nate's army buddies hosted a smashing soiree over at the Harbormaster Hotel, and it was the social event of 2073. Both of us were so drunk that we didn't remember any of it the next day and, believe me, we paid for it. I don't drink too often now, but I wouldn't mind cutting loose tonight, after everything we've been through. We _did_ save the world, after all."

She raised the bottle in the air, as though clinking glasses with an imaginary friend, then drained half of it in one gulp before passing it to Mac. "Correction," he added, the blood-red liquor burning his throat on the way down. " _You_ saved the world. I'm just glad I was able to be there when it all went down."

"Oh Robert," she teased, his name on her lips sounding as though she were singing it. "No need to be humble. Without you and Cait, I never could have done any of this- the two of you are everything to me, and I need you."

She took a deep breath and gulped back another mouthful of wine, then leaned against his chest to steady herself. "I wish it hadn't come to war," she admitted, downing the last of the wine as she flagged down another server. "I never wanted to hurt Shaun, much less kill him. I always wanted to be a mother, and to have it ripped from me... So much time, gone to waste."

"Well, we could always, uh... you know. If you wanted to."

But Von shook her head, taking another bottle of wine from the nearby server's tray and taking a smaller sip this time. "If only I could," she replied, brushing a strand of hair that had fallen in front of her eyes. "As much as I want to, you see... Well, before the war, Nate and I decided that we only wanted one child. And so I had this thing- this implant, I guess you could say- put in, so that I wouldn't be able to make any more babies. The procedure required surgery and doctors today simply wouldn't have the tools needed to remove it safely. I don't regret my decision- only that I couldn't save Shaun from himself."

She took another sip of wine and handed the bottle to Mac, letting her fingers brush over his as it changed hands. "Anyway," she slurred, swaying slightly to the left as she attempted to regain her balance. "Enough feeling sorry for myself. I washed my hands of ghoul guts ten times for you, just like I promised... Of course, I seem to recall a promise _you_ made- something about barn doors and hurricanes, I think. Come on, let's ditch this crowd."

Mac nodded and let Von lead the way, both of them stumbling and holding onto each other for support as they staggered across the settlement to the root cellar. No sooner had the door closed behind them, he grabbed her by the waist and slammed her body against the wall, kissing her until she couldn't breathe. Her mouth was soft and warm as she kissed back, and she unbuttoned his shirt, sending jolts of electricity rippling through his skin. Hands shaking, he slid her dress up over her hips and slipped one finger into her most-sacred space; she whimpered softly, closing her eyes as she bit down on her lower lip and braced herself against the wall.

“Please” she whispered into his ear, trailing her tongue along the crook of his neck. “Make me come.”

“Is that a challenge?” he growled, his voice so thick with need that it was unrecognizable. "Because you're on, pretty lady."

He was far too drunk to be nervous anymore, so he lifted her up and carried her over to the tiny mattress in the corner, leaning against the wall for balance until she was safely on her back. Von pulled her dress over her head as he fumbled awkwardly with his belt; he then dropped to his knees at the foot of the bed and planted a trail of feathery kisses along her inner thighs before sliding his tongue into her. She was hot and slippery, and her skin seemed to take on a life of its own as it burned red, like a bloodleaf in full bloom- he kissed her there the same way he had her lips, with just enough suction to make her shiver. She grabbed the back of his head with one hand and rocked her hips against his mouth, writhing like a woman possessed.

“My turn,” he rasped, a low moan rising from somewhere in the back of his throat. “I could do this all night, but I can't have all the fun. Kiss for luck?"

Of course, she was only too happy to oblige. Her mouth was smooth and warm against his cock, and he let his head fall back as she teased him with her satiny tongue; his entire body shuddered in response, and he knew there was no way he'd be able to keep going if she continued like this.

Quite mercifully, she didn't. Von grabbed his shoulders and, with a strength that belied her stature, pulled him into her. A low growl of desire rumbled deep in his chest and he opened his mouth to cry out, but she swallowed the sound of her name as he slid easily into her quivering warmth. She clamped down on him like a vice, and he fit so perfectly inside her that he wanted to stay there forever- she completed him, in every sense of the word, and he found himself trying to match her pace as he concentrated on the noises she was making, trying to figure out how close she was to the edge.

Von wasn't sure how many drinks she'd had, only that she'd lost count hours ago and that she didn't care. Her entire body thrummed with energy- or was it liquid invincibility- as she rolled over and pinned Mac's wrists above his head. If she could, she'd freeze time and never leave this place- now that the alcohol had lowered her defenses, she felt more sure of herself than she had during their first time together. Though the signs weren't as obvious, she'd suffered from performance anxiety as well, and it had kept her from truly being in the moment... but not this time.

"Slow down," she whispered, her hot breath sending shivers up his spine. "We have all the time in the world."

She squeezed her eyes tightly shut and curled her fingers into his shoulders. The entire room spun in a haze of colour, and all Von could hear was the sound of her own heart pounding in her head as she neared the ultimate end. She felt it crash into her, glorious and violent as a vertibird colliding with the ground- in that moment, there was fire in her veins, and the last thing she felt was Mac's fingers digging into her hips as she fell forward into the sweet embrace of sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hooray for slightly less cringey fun! 
> 
> i don't write smut very often~ i'm a lot better at feels, and this was definitely outside of my comfort zone (which is why it took forever), but i still enjoyed writing it.
> 
> was going to combine this chapter with the next one, but decided to separate them for length.


	32. One More Tomorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the morning after, and mistakes were made... but, for Von and Mac, last night wasn't one of them. And, as they're about to find out, there's another surprise still to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _should the sun not dawn again,_   
>  _i will burn the sky;_   
>  _should this world come to an end,_   
>  _i will make it right._
> 
> _should the stars all lose their shine,_   
>  _i will light up mine;_   
>  _should your angel drop his wings,_   
>  _i will help you fly._
> 
> -elysion, _the promise_

When Von awoke, her head was pounding as though a behemoth had caved it in with its club and she immediately searched for her med kit. She'd never been so grateful for her underground shelter, as her brain hurt just thinking of what the sun looked like aboveground, and she covered her eyes with one hand before shoving a stimpak into the back of her neck.

Beside her, Mac rolled over and groaned, burying his head under the nearest pillow. "Holy crap," he yawned, rubbing his temples before reaching for a stimpak of his own. "Oh man, it's bad. It's like a bomb went off inside my skull. Still worth it."

"Worth it," Von agreed, massaging the area she'd injected with the stimpak just moments before. "Though it'll be a while before I can even look at a bottle of wine the same way again. Mistakes were definitely made, but what happened down here wasn't one of them."

She snuggled closer, resting her head against Mac's chest as she listened to his breathing. His heartbeat was relaxed and slow, a pleasant distraction from the contant throbbing in her brain as her headache began to subside. "I've been thinking," she went on, pulling a stray bobby pin from the remains of her updo. "If you could live anywhere in the Commonwealth, where would it be?"

"Good question," he responded thoughtfully. "I mean, Goodneightbor is great for work, but a terrible place to hang your hat- don't get much rest when you're sleeping with one eye open. But Diamond City isn't great for long-term prospects, especially if you're a guy who shoots people for a living... Bunker Hill, maybe? That's the only place I can think of where we'd be right in the middle of things and you'd be safe, though we'd have no alone time and be squished in with all those people. What about you? Where would you go, if you could live anywhere you wanted?"

Von considered this for a moment. For all the talking she'd done about leaving Sanctuary once the war was over, she hadn't really given much thought to where she'd go when all was said and done. "Spectacle Island," she declared finally, leaning over and planting a kiss on his forehead. "I mean, sure, it's infested with mirelurks. But, if we could clear them out, it would make a beautiful place to call home... It's as far away from here as I can possibly get, and it's close to the Castle, in the event that the Minutemen need me to put on my General's hat again. Maybe we could rebuild one of the little cabins, grow some food, and make a go of things in this crazy world. Just you and me."

"Interesting," Mac answered, giving her a kiss on the cheek. "You're a strange creature, Olivia. But you're _my_ strange creature. And, if Spectacle Island is where you want to go, I'll go there with you."

He pulled her closer and brushed away a strand of hair that had fallen in front of her eyes. "That was the best," he continued, giving her hand a squeeze. "Last night was amazing, and I finally feel like everything I went through over the last four years was worth it. After what happened to Lucy, I thought I'd be sad and alone forever... Then, I met you."

In response, Von smiled and laced her fingers through his as she peered up at him. "Indeed," she answered, resting her forehead against his cheek. "I have a hard time believing that she would have wanted you to be either of those things forever, just as I know that Nate wouldn't see me lonely and sad for the rest of my days. If he could see us now, he'd probably tell me I did the right thing, sticking with you."

Mac nodded and pulled her closer, burying his face in her hair. "Who knows," he replied. "Although I think Lucy would agree that you're the best thing that's happened to me since she died. Sometimes, I'm convinced that she sent you- whether that's true or not is obviously up for debate. Either way, I always knew there was something special about you, and I'm glad I found it."

They lay in silence for a few moments, and Von stared at the ceiling as she contemplated all the loose ends she'd have to tie up before leaving Sanctuary for good. The settlers were in good hands with Preston and the Minutemen, and she'd give Cait a settlement of her own- Warwick Homestead was close enough that she could visit frequently, but perhaps her best friend would prefer city life... And then, there was the issue of what to do with Nate's body. She'd always felt guilty for not giving him the burial he deserved and, though Vault 111 had, mercifully, spared him from both the elements and the Commonwealth's critters, she knew that he belonged in the ground with the remains of her previous life.

"Hey," she heard Mac whisper in her ear, pulling her out of her trance as she focused on the strange, beautiful weight of his arms around her waist. "You ready to face the day?"

"Only if you are."

-

Von and Mac spent most of the morning stuffing whatever they could carry into their packs as they prepared to leave Sanctuary Hills. They hadn't told the others yet, as they planned to break the news over supper that evening, though both had mixed feelings about leaving this little place behind. In particular, Von knew that leaving Sanctuary meant severing ties with her past- she wasn't sure she was strong enough for it, but she would have to be, if she ever wanted to fully begin anew.

Suddenly, however, a little voice broke into her thoughts. "Daddy? Daddy, is that you?"

"Duncan? What are you- c'mere buddy, I've missed you so much!"

The look on Mac's face was one of pure joy, and Von wished that she'd been in possession of a working camera, so that she could capture it forever. Father and son embraced for the first time in four long years, and a pang of sadness echoed in her chest- the empty spot where Shaun should be, no doubt. But she smiled through her tears as she watched Mac's little boy run into his arms and listened to the excited chatter, grateful that she had been able to spare him her pain.

"Daddy," she heard Duncan say, bringing her back to the moment. "Who's your friend with the pretty hair?"

This caught Mac off-guard, as it was not a scenario that he had ever conceived of. His early relationship with Von had been volatile at best and, after it had ended, he hadn't known that she was ever coming back from the Institute; even after they'd reconciled their differences, neither of them were certain- until last night, at least- whether or not they'd both still be alive when the war was over, and he'd never discussed with Von what Duncan would call her.

Fortunately, he was spared having to answer, as Codsworth shuffled in at that exact moment. "Miss Olivia," he said, holding out a tray with some razorgrain bread and purified water. "Sorry to bother you, but- ah, it looks like your guest has already arrived! In that case, I'll just leave this here and be on my way, mum!"

"Miss Olivia," Duncan repeated, turning to look at Von. "You're pretty, just like my mommy. She lives in the sky now, but she watches me when I sleep."

He pointed to the sky, and Von smiled through her tears at the little boy. Duncan was almost a carbon copy of his father, except for his big brown eyes- Lucy's, probably- and she found herself wondering what Shaun would have looked like at the same age. "I hear you, buddy," she responded carefully, keeping her voice quiet so that the others wouldn't hear it break. "My family is up there too. I bet they're keeping your mom company, since everyone needs friends. Do you have a best friend?"

"Nah. Betsy the Brahmin lives on the farm with me, but I don't have any people-friends. Will you be my best friend, Miss Olivia?"

"Of course, buddy."

She was trying to keep it together as best she could. This much was obvious to Mac, who hadn't let go of Duncan since his arrival. He knew how hard it must be for Von, to witness such a happy reunion, all the while knowing that she'd never see Shaun again. And, even though she was holding it together pretty well, her eyes told a different story- Duncan was too little to notice, but Mac could see it, clear as day.

"Hey, is everything all right?"

True to form, she nodded and bravely swatted away the tears as she pretended to shield her eyes from the sun. "Fine," she insisted, her voice betraying her as she choked on the word. "Don't worry about me. I'll let you two get caught up, and I'll just be-"

"I like her, Daddy. Can Miss Olivia be my new mommy?"

"Why don't you ask her, buddy?" Mac offered, ruffling Duncan's shaggy brown hair. "I'm sure she wouldn't mind."

"Okay. Will you be my new mommy?"

Von could only nod in response as she tried to keep her composure, a flood of emotion washing over her as she attempted to process what was happening. She'd always wanted to be a mother and, even if this wasn't how she'd planned on assuming the role, she would do it- for herself, and for the little boy who had never known a mother's love.

"Yes," she replied, through tears, as she stooped to Duncan's eye level. "I'll be your mommy, sweetheart. I'll be anything you want me to be."

She held out her arms, and Duncan looked to Mac for approval before running into them, hugging her as hard as his little body would allow. She hugged him back, her heart full to the brim with love for the little boy she barely knew but had fought to save anyway.

"Miss Olivia, why are you crying?"

"Because I'm so happy to meet you."

Having overheard this exchange, Mac smiled to himself as he watched Von and Duncan from his position. As usual, she'd said exactly the right thing to put the little guy at ease, though there was no doubt in his mind that she had meant every word of it... and that she'd be a wonderful mother.

-

That night, Von and Mac left Duncan with Curie and headed to Vault 111, to retrieve Nate's body for burial. They took the elevator down to where the cryopods still glistened in the dark, and Von shivered at the thought of facing her past again. But this would be the last time she'd be forced to confront it, at least in a physical manner.

When they approached Nate's pod, Mac had expected Von to become cold and rigid again, as she had before. But she didn't, instead reaching for his hand as she pressed a button to open the chamber door and leaning against his chest to steady herself.

"We did it," she said, lowering her eyes to the ground before steeling her nerves and forcing herself to look at her late husband's body. "We found Shaun, and I brought him home to you, just like I promised. You can rest now."

The two of them carried Nate's body to the elevator and back to the surface, where Cait and the others had dug a grave about four feet deep. They took great care not to drop him as they lowered him into the ground- Von's arms were shaking so intensely that she thought the might fall to the ground, but she willed herself to keep her composure as her friends each placed a token in the grave as tribute: a trifold American flag from Preston, a handful of caps from Cait, and various flora and fauna from the other settlers. For her part, Von had brought along her General's hat and set it atop his chest- they were both soldiers now.

She waited to see what Mac's response to all of this would be, since she knew that it couldn't have been easy for him either. He'd never gotten the chance to give Lucy the funeral she deserved, and yet here he was, helping her bury her husband; whether he admitted it or not, he was incredibly brave-more so than she'd ever given him credit for. And, when he removed a carved wooden soldier- one that she knew Lucy had made for him before she died- from his pocket and placed it into the grave, she nearly broke down crying all over again for both of them.

"General," Preston said, saluting her as he handed her a folded American flag of her own. "I don't know much about pre-war protocol for military funerals, but I understand that it was customary to give a flag to a soldier's widow after he fell in battle. Perhaps you'd like to say a few words before..."

He handed her a shovel and, as everyone gathered around, Von realized that she had no idea what to say. What did people typically talk about at funerals? She'd never even been to one pre-war and didn't know much about military funerals either, but she'd have to improvise. So she focused instead on Mac's arm around her shoulders- a gesture that reminded her that she wasn't alone in her desire to forget the past.

"Friends," she began, her eyes filling with tears as she leaned into Mac's embrace. "We are gathered here today to honour the memory of Lieutenant Nathan Hadley- also known as Nate, born on April 17, 2045 and deceased October 23, 2077- as we commit him to his final resting place. He was a wonderful husband and father, a brave soldier, and a terrible programmer. But his fighting spirit will live on in all of us whose lives he touched, and I know that he'd be proud of every single one of you standing here today. May he rest in peace."

She took a deep breath and shoveled the first mound of dirt onto the grave. Having done her duty, she stood and watched as she others filled in the small hole, effectively burying the remains of her past forever, before letting Mac take her by the arm and lead her back toward Sanctuary Hills.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so these two idiots finally get their happy ending and von gets to be a mommy after all... yay <3 
> 
> as a literature major, it feels only appropriate to mention that the end scene between duncan and von was inspired by one of my favourite poems:
> 
> _motherless baby_   
>  _and babyless mother-_   
>  _bring them together_   
>  _to love one another._
> 
> -christina rossetti


	33. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A nice, neat little ending, tied up with a bow.

The sun rose over Spectacle Island, warm and orange as fire. Mornings on the east coast were deceptively cold, but this one found Von in her garden plot, picking a fresh batch of mutfruit from the trees she'd planted- they'd pair nicely with the yao guai ribs she planned to prepare for supper that night.

She set down the basket she was carrying as Duncan, who'd been chasing Dogmeat around the nearby razorgrain patch, ran up to her and waved his little arms excitedly. "Miss Olivia," he exclaimed, bouncing up and down as he handed her something shiny. "Look at the pretty seashell I found for Auntie Cait!"

"Uh, that's a mirelurk egg, buddy. But I'm sure she'll love it, as long as it comes from you."

Dogmeat trotted up to them, happily wagging his tail as he pressed his wet nose against Duncan's cheek. The little boy's eyes went wide and he burst into peals of adorable laugher as he threw his arms around Dogmeat's neck, which made Von smile. Her 'boys', as she called them, were attached at the hip- Dogmeat and Duncan did nearly everything together: they went swimming in the lake, explored the ruined cabins, played in the fields until sunset and even curled up to sleep side-by-side. She knew Duncan would miss his furry, four-legged friend, but they'd be reunited before long.

"Are you packed yet, buddy?" she asked Duncan, who was now sitting atop Dogmeat's back like a prince atop his royal steed. "You know, Auntie Cait's on her way here right now. And, when she goes home to Diamond City, she's taking you with her."

After leaving Sanctuary, Von had turned her house at Home Plate over to her best friend, who was much better suited to what passed for urban life these days. Duncan would be starting school soon, and Cait had been more than happy to take him for half the year- that way, he could meet other kids and make some friends his own age, and it would give his parents some time to get their new farm off the ground.

"Promise you'll be good, okay? Make sure you eat all your vegetables and help Auntie Cait around the house when you can. And don't forget to say your prayers every night."

Duncan nodded, and Von ruffled his hair as he threw his arms around her knees- the highest he could reach. "I promise," he said, the _r_ in _promise_ sounding more like a _w_. "I'll say to the sky-people that I love Daddy and Mommy, and Miss Olivia, and Auntie Cait, and Dogmeat..."

Von kissed the top of his head as she handed him a mutfruit from her basket. "That's my boy," she continued, choking up as she gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Daddy and I will come visit you soon. We'll bring Dogmeat, and I'll have to find a special treat for you. How about a nice big plate of mutfruit pie? I promise Daddy won't eat it all, as long as you behave."

Again, Duncan nodded before hurrying off to play in the vegetable patch, Dogmeat at his heels, and Von went back to tending her garden as Mac emerged from their shack. "Hey there, beautiful," he greeted her, wrapping his arms protectively around her waist as he pulled her in for a kiss. "Hard at work as always, I see. How are you feeling?" 

"Well, it's a beautiful sunny day. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, a warm fire, and my family... I daresay it's the best day in the world."

"Every day with you is the best day ever."

He planted a kiss on the back of her neck, and she blushed furiously in response as she slipped her fingers through his. "Listen to you," she replied with a laugh. "You sure know how to make a girl feel good about herself. This girl, anyway."

His embrace was comforting, and Von allowed herself to luxuriate in it as the sun rose higher in the sky. A few moments passed in silence, both of them just admiring the view from the little island- their new sanctuary. The scene was beautiful, dreamlike, and she held Mac's hand even tighter, as though she feared he would disappear if she let go. 

"Happy," she heard him say, to no one in particular, before resting his head on her shoulder. "For the first time in my life, I'm happy, and I have you to thank for it. There's no bond stronger than that."

Just then, a small boat pulled up near the docks and a messenger in a postman's uniform stepped out. "Telegram," he announced, as Von and Mac neared his position. "Message for General Olivia MacCready of the Commonwealth Minutemen. The sender didn't say who he was, only that it was important I get this to you."

He handed Von a piece of paper and headed back to his boat without another word. "I wonder," she mused aloud, unfurling the scrap of paper as Mac leaned in to read it over her shoulder. "All it says is _look up_. Maybe Preston needs me, or..."

She trailed off as the sky turned black and rain poured down with an unparalleled fury. When she looked up, something dropped out of the sky- a Nuka Cherry bottle, Nate's favourite. And inside was Mac's wooden soldier- the one Lucy had made for him before she died, _the one he'd placed into Nate's grave before they'd left Sanctuary_.

Von and Mac turned to look at each other, confusion painted onto their faces as Von reached down to pick up the bottle. She inspected it thoroughly, her eyes searching the sky for a passing airship or creature that might have dropped it, but there was no one in sight.

"Can _you_ explain it?"

Mac shook his head, slipping an arm around her shoulders as they made their way back to the farm. He had his suspicions, though he wasn't about to tell Von what he was really thinking. He knew she didn't believe in any of that spiritual mumbo-jumbo, as she'd called it, but he remained convinced that Lucy- and perhaps Nate as well- had played a role in bringing them together. Maybe this was some sort of sign that everything had gone according to plan after all.

"Nope. But I guess some things just aren't meant to be explained."

Seemingly satisfied with this answer, Von rested her head against his shoulder and let him lead her back toward their homestead. She placed the bottle containing the wooden soldier into the bottom of her steamer trunk, where it would remain safe until the end of the world.

e n d

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's a wrap, folks!
> 
> when i started writing this, i never expected to get a novel's worth of plot out of it. but it just kinda pulled me in and, almost a year later, here we are.
> 
> thank you so much to everyone who read, commented, or left kudos on this little project~ you're the best! 
> 
> as for what's next, i'm not really sure. maybe a couple of one-shots that could be considered canon with the events of this story, or maybe something unrelated... i definitely plan on exploring von and cait's relationship further, so perhaps the benign invervention quest will show up in future (hint hint).
> 
> until next time,
> 
> -esp xx

**Author's Note:**

> just some fluff i tossed off based on this weird dream i had once, which sort of influenced the direction my first playthrough took; was supposed to be a smutfest, but feels got in the way.
> 
> other than this intro, every chapter has a song to go with it, so i'll post the link in future notes if you'd like to hear it. also, a fun fact: von's last name is of german origin and means _from the area cleared by fire._
> 
> enjoy, hopefully. :)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [This Warmth of Mine](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11583627) by [espiritus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/espiritus/pseuds/espiritus)




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